He believes

Belief: Confidence in someone
T has that in spades for me. Way more than I think that I have in myself and my writing.
Thursday I allowed him to stay home in the morning as we had a dentist appointment at 11:50. His tooth has been bothering him. Every time he laid down to go to bed, during the day, suddenly there would be a sharp pain from his jaw to his ear. I was worried that my insurance was not in place and that I was going to end up paying an arm and a leg, which at this time is not an easy task for me. Bonus, not only was my insurance in place but up to the first $200 was 100% covered and everything after that was 60% off. Well damn but isn’t that awesome. (His two appointments were covered within the $200 limit and a $15 balance yet!)
Thursday was a weird day for me. I spent a lot of time with weepy eyes. At the time, I did not know what it was that was bothering me. I do know now however it is not something I am ready to openly blog about. V told me that having ‘leaky’ days, as she calls them, are perfectly fine to have. Yet my mood had not plummeted. I was still having a good good day. Even with all those tears.
T is a little strange and I say that with absolute pride because so am I. He was pumped that he was going to see the dentist. Quite a change from when he was little. The tooth had previously been filled last year. It had been a deep cavity and T chose to have a silver filling put in. Now though, either the tooth had chipped or part of the filling had come off.  Now as an aside, my mouth is not filled with silver fillings but back in my day (making myself sound as though I am 145) that was the only type of filling we could get. None of this fancy white filling like these young whipper snappers get these days. But white is stronger than silver in the filling wars. When he discovered that he was going to have to come back and get a filling the next day T was super exciting. (No word of a lie when we returned yesterday morning he announced to the office at large how much he loved having his teeth filled. I am still terrified of it.)
A white filling was required as Dr. K had to remove all the old filling and refill. She did not charge me extra for the white one which was yet another bonus. But that was a Friday bonus and I am writing about Thursday. After both appointments T did try his darndest to get me to allow him to stay home using the arguements that a) his jaw may start to hurt in the middle of the afternoon on Thursday and b) the frozen tongue syndrome on Friday. He went to school both days.
I had my revelation as we were talking on the way to school Thursday about why I was weeping. T of course had the answer for me. Just Quit. Don’t do it anymore. I had to explain that it did not quite work that way. That I have responsibilities to fulfill. T was silent for a moment.
‘Mom maybe they will hire you and than you can stay home and write full time.’
I was a little shocked as it seemed like a full change in conversation. And than it dawned on me that he was talking New Reader Magazine where I had submitted my poem.  I laughed a little and explained to him while that would be a dream come true, that that was not how things worked. There was no way that they were going to hire me to write full time. But I lived in that fantasy world for a brief moment.
‘Well mom, than you need to write a long book. One with 25 chapters. You will get published and can stay at home and write.’
I smiled and told T that that was what I was doing with Juliette’s Journey. Working title only. And he nodded and sat back.
I was sitting at home after dropping him off when it struck me how confident T was. He made the announcements, the one about the magazine hiring me and publishing my book, as if they were already done deals. He does not have fears like I do. He does not mistrust the words that I write as I sometimes do. He looked at me and he only saw that I was going to do this. No matter what. And that was when I realized that T really believed in me. He did not even consider that I may fail at writing. He believes in this dream with all his heart.
I realize I have a lot of work to do. I have to live up to his expectations of what I am capable of. And I do not want to let him down. I always tell T that he can do whatever he wants to do. If all I do is talk about my dreams yet never chase them, I am saying one thing while showing him another. And I want him to reach for the moon and stars. I want him to dream big and go for it. He is amazing. He is smart. He is a great looking kid. And I need to be the one to show him how to Jump.

New Reality

I was laying in bed this morning  and began to count down that I had 24 days left until I am going to be returning to work. It took me a minute or so to realize what I was doing and give my head a shake. I am not going to waste the next 24 days worrying and fretting about going back to work. I do not know how people are going to react to me. I don’t know how I am going to feel until I get there. So I pushed it out of my mind.
I was having a conversation when the comment made was I was going to be walking back into my life. Which gave me pause. Had I been so involved with work and being perfect and bending over backwards for others, that my life was work? That is not how it is today.
I am already in my life.
Yes I am going to be returning to a job that pays my bills and rent. But in no way is it my life.
My life is:
Brother & Family
My girlfriends
The dreams I have that I am going to make come true
Work is but a brief interruption in my new reality.

She’s a little pushy

This is going to be a wee bit of a brag.

T has informed me that the time has come for me to move beyond my poetry to short stories. He would like to see me stories like his. The Adventures of Pickle. Kids book he has created.

I have been mulling over an idea or what I thought the idea was going to be. Last night I grabbed my notebook and opened up a new page in Evernote Notebook Fiction. I wrote for an hour. At times my fingers flew across the keyboard as my character began to take shape. Imagine my surprise when my main character morphed from male to female and the male lead is becoming a secondary character.

I wrote 1249 words last night.

I could have continued writing but than I would only be going to bed now. I have not written a short story since the early 2000’s. I am so excited and even now she is hovering at the edge of my conscious poking me as though saying ‘Hey Jay what are you doing? I am here, c’mon let’s get going I have so much to tell you.”


Thank You

I started this blog just over a year ago.
As of today Monday Feb. 27th I reached a milestone. I have 250 followers on my blog.
I want to say thank you to everyone. And I am beyond humbled that my words are being read by people I have never met. That I can entertain you.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 💗💗


I knew what I wanted to be as a teenager, when I grew up. I knew it in Grade One when I wrote my first story.

I wanted to be a writer.

What I did not know than, there is no wanting to be a writer, it is who I am.

***I wrote this while I was writing a journal entry. I had goose bumps when I realized the validity of that statement.****

My Best

Picture via Facebook. Created by @treeowl

I am at my best. Every time I push myself to write. Every time I have an idea. I no longer strive for perfection. I am happy how I am. I will grow and evolve but always as I do I will be doing my best.
“I am a woman with dreams that I am finally ready to persue. I am beginning to think that this is my evolution and I am awakening from hibernation.”
I wrote both of those statements yesterday in regards to myself. I was having a conversation with a friend at the time. And after I made both of these, I had a profound sense of relief. That another piece of the puzzle has slide into place.
Recently when asked to do something, my response has been ‘I will do my best.’ Prior to this, I would take on more and more work or tasks pushing myself beyond the limits that I impose on others so as to not overwork and burn them out. But not Jay. Jay is Superwoman and she can go for years on empty with a false smile on her face. (Yes I realize that I wrote about myself in the 3rd person but I have found another topic for myself to ponder) I do have limits though. I may crash through all the barriers before I come to the firey crash but it will end. And away I go down a road of disrepute.
Back to my best. My best is going to have to be good enough. For those who are use to me going above and beyond, well they are going to have to get use to this me. The me who is not going to keep her fingers on all the pulses. The me who is going to live life and work her job. Not work her life and live her job. The me who is right here, happy and well along the way to healthy. Both physically and mentally.
When the statement ‘I cannot wait to see you at your best’ was made to me, I did not even hesitate to think before shooting back the above response. What do you mean see me at my best? I am at my best. I give my all and if that falls short for you, well my friend I guess you are missing out on this me and you are looking for a me that does not exist. Now I know that he did not mean anything rude by his statement and I did not take it as such.
Yet again it made me think about how I have been in the past. Previously if this comment was made to me, I would have gone into a tailspin. To me that would have meant that I was failing at something and I needed to shore up the defences. I would panic and force myself to work hard, push more. For what? To fall apart when I cannot meet that ideal I have created for myself. No one else did this, this is a reaction that I have built into me. Oh wait, yes someone did help to create this mess but I am already leaving it behind me.
As for my dreams. What do I dream of? I dream of writing every single day. And I do. I dream that I will win the lottery. Haven’t yet but I keep on buying and dreaming. I dream of what T and me are going to do this summer. I dream of romantic dinners and walks under the moon. Ha, that one is a dream dream. I dream.
These are not the dreams I allowed myself before. Before it was all about ensuring that I had my head on straight. Took care of the bills the rent the loan putting food on the table. I was the responsible one at all times. This is not to say that I am going to ditch my responsibilities and run off to live on a beach somewhere (however we will add that to the romance and winning lottery dream) but I am reprioritizing. My dreams are very important. Never again am I going to stifle, deny myself the dreams that I have.
I am shaking the dust off my wings and I am going to soar higher than I have ever been. 🙂

7.5=Perfection for Me

This morning as I am sitting here reviewing my week, I am proud of myself. I am also cautiously optimistic. I have now had 4 days of being good. As in my mood has been elevated. I have felt good. I have been laughing. And well I am doing things. I have cleaned the apartment 3 weeks in a row. 3 weeks I say that is amazing.
I had the music blaring, well not blaring because I have neighbors, but it was loudish. Have I mentioned that I downloaded Spotify to the Xbox so I can play it out of the t.v.? Oh yeah. Only issue I have is that it doesn’t pick up where I left off when I close it down. It does on the computer but that is life right? So I was dancing around the apartment, singing to myself having a great time. I opened the blinds all the way and sunlight was streaming in. My beautiful babies were thrilled to feel the sunlight on their leaves.
I threw the blankets in the dryer and figured that I would jump in the shower before doing the last load of laundry. And I mean the last load. I have been doing laundry almost every day this week so I was pretty much done. I only had the floors left to wash when out of the corner of my eye espied the laundry basket and thought to myself ‘Oh yeah I need to put that load in.’
Laundry is going and I am filling the sink so I can wash the floors when it suddenly hits me. The reason I had not thrown the last load in was so I could shower. And I had done a hot wash on the blankets and now a warm wash with this last load. Smacked myself in the head and laughed. Seriously only I would do this. Washed the floors and sat down. The apartment smelled nice and fresh. My laundry was about finished. The bed was made. It was awesome.
Also, there have been multiple outings. Monday I only went next door to the gas station but as it had been a ‘down’ day this was big. Tuesday I made myself go into work for some groceries. And I talked to fellow co-workers. On my own. Wednesday was ‘Meet the Psychiatrist’ day. I did really well, not bursting into tears or anything, but once I was in the car I burst into tears. Sobbed all the way home.
Thursday was a good day. Friday after dropping T off at school I went to work to get a few items for myself and for the school week. I only had a few twinges and did not have to give myself a pep talk to go in.
Friday V and her son came for coffee. Well as he is 3, he had a juice box. It was so much fun. We laughed and talked. Her son finally warmed up to me and even sat on my lap for a while. When he wanted my attention he shouted ‘auntie, auntie’ until I responded. And when they left I did not feel tired. I was energized.
So as I sat here yesterday, realizing that I needed a few things, I figured I would shoot Auntie K a text and see if she was up to an outing. And she was. I did have a mission. I was on the hunt for my Sandalwood incense. Not sure if everyone is aware of my obsession for Sandalwood scent. I love it. And was most dismayed that Wal mart was no longer carrying them. And all my other go to places were no longer selling them I was devestated.
Decided that I wanted to check Only Deals and see if they might have them. OMG I was so thrilled they had them. And lots of them. Despite them being $2.99 + tax I bought 4 packages. As an aside when I got home I lit three of them and had them in their holders before I even had taken my jacket off. Than we went off to Red Apple where well not as discounted as they say. Needed laundry pods but I only use Sunlight. So we went off to Canadian Tire who does not carry Sunlight laundry pods which entailed a visit to Wal-mart.
We meandered. And dreamed. Looked at the summer patio furniture. Talked and laughed. Did I buy a few things that maybe I should not have. Weekly deep treatment for frizzy hair. Which I have in spades. The small package of powdered donuts, again maybe not necessary but damn they were good. The entire package was eaten. Did I maybe spend a little more than I should, yes. Was it a great afternoon of fun with Auntie K? Damn right it was.
I had a great idea for a short story on my way home. Have written only the first line but it is percolating.
I also have had a realization.
I am not going to worry about what ifs. As in what if I have good mood for a week but than have a not good day. What if I have a couple of consecutive not good days? It is alright. The amount of time that I spend in the not good days, is becoming less. I am getting stronger. And while I do not wallow, as long as I do the small tasks that I set for myself to achieve every day, I feel accomplished and let the emotions ride. I am going to enjoy the mood I am in right now, enjoy this moment.
I still have not been able to read. The day will come when I can. Until than, I am not going to worry about it.
I am extremely proud of what I have done this week. I cared for myself. I was able to deal with a difficult situation, that is, talking about myself, without falling apart. All in all, I would give this week a solid 7.5 and that is perfect for me. 🙂