I wish….

I wish that there were more hours in the  day. To accomplish all that I want to accomplish. (Work, exercise, clean, down time, read, write, did I mention clean?)

I wish that I would not feel the need to nag and nag and nag. To allow T the space in which to grow. (But at 18 he is released into society and I do not want to let out a caveman)

I wish that I was able to read each and every blog that I follow. To interact and connect with all those wonderful writers. (There are so many I feel I neglect)

I wish that I was able to carve out more space in my life. To allow others entry. (This though means letting them passed the facade I have created to protect myself.)

I wish that I was more confident. That I did not sometimes (always) undermine my worth.

I wish…..I wish…..I wish……

I wish that I would not feel guilty when I failed to accomplish all the above.

Because really I am doing the best that I can. 

Photo via:

http://zerowastenews.org/Cartoon-Section/cartoons.html

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Beautiful Truth

I have spent all day trying to come up with a poem for today’s daily prompt. And yet nothing would form. I was actually a little afraid that I was going to fail in doing the prompt every day this month and let down Confessions of an Irish Procrastinator. And given that she was able to put one out today the pressure is on. 😦 (For all who have been following me and wondering about the smiley faces it is the only one I can figure out on my notebook. Appears I might have the frowny face down now. Everything else I need through my phone and yeah…….)

Okay so I thought long and hard about this one. And it turns out that what I am about to write is intensely personal.

For the longest time, my vision of myself has been skewed. I had this voice, this tape in my head that told me 1) the only reason that men would be interested in me had to do with my sexuality 2) that I totally failed at everything I did.

I ran so hard and so fast from that voice.  I took pills, I drank a lot of alcohol to silence that voice but the damage was done.

This year, when I fell down and went Kaboom! I finally was able to see. I saw that the voice I was hearing, it was full of bullshit. I am a smart, independent, confident woman. I do not need to use my sexuality to entice men. I do not need to use my body to make them like me. My brain is more than enough to draw them in.

As well, I do not in any way fail at the things I do. I am pretty darn good at what I set my mind to. I can walk the walk and hell baby I can talk the talk. I will make you twist and shout!

The vision that I had of myself has been so very very wrong. I was a crippled version, bent over beneath angry words, and abusive behavior that screwed up the way that I saw myself, saw the world and how I was to interact within it.

Now, there are no images, there are no angry voices, there is no one but me living within my head. And I tell myself I am a good woman. I am a good mother. I am a good friend. The vision that I have of me, and the woman I want to be, is no longer skewed, but a beautiful truth.

 

Versatile Blogger Award

I was nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award this evening by the delightful sierraleonegirl  in a weekend of nominations. Thank you so much my girl.

What is the Versatile Blogger Award?

  • The versatile blogger award is given to bloggers by bloggers to as a recognition of the uniqueness of their content and individuality.
  • It is also a way to honor bloggers who bring something special to your life whether everyday or now and then.
  • The award is run by VBA. Check them out

 

  • Rules!

When you are nominated for the Versatile blogger award, you have to play by a number of rules and these are the rules.

  • Thank the person who gave you this award.
  • Include a link to their blog.
  • Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly
  • Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award — you might include a link to this site.
  • Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.

 

I an not going to nominate anyone because over the last couple of days I have nominated all that I would have nominated here. I do invite those who would like to to participate as I always love discovering new facts out about y’all. I read your stories but having the deep dark secrets behind the stories is awesome. And I may create a character based on you. The cons of having a writer friend. As y’all know.

Okay 15 things that no one knows about me:

  1. I was pigeon-toed at birth. I had to wear lovely shoes that had a bar going across to keep my feet straight. To this day when I am really tired, my feet will turn inward if they are propped on table or end of couch.
  2. I also had a lazy eye. That was corrected by wearing an eye patch.
  3. I broke my arm after learning how to jump off a swing. Forward jumping. I decided that I would try backwards jumping and well…….
  4. I am a non-practicing Catholic. There are just too many things that I cannot resolve to my satisfaction.
  5. I am a secret romantic. I want to be swept off my feet. Flowers sent to me, dinner at a nice restaurant. Told to dress up.
  6. I am rather opinionated.
  7. I like to talk, a lot.
  8. I swear, a lot. T is forever telling me to watch my language.
  9. I can take little pieces of information and come up with the whole picture. Whether I am suppose to know or not.
  10. My bff and I are twins born 9 3/4 years apart. We look nothing alike, we sound nothing alike, yet we are soul sisters. She knows everything about me. From the moment we get up until we go to bed, we are messaging one another. Or sending voice messages.
  11. I am separated.  And although at first we could not stand one another, the Ex and me, we are at a point where we are friends.
  12. I want to make you cry! LOL I have realized that with my poetry, I want to make people feel. I want to touch a cord within them. Mom use to joke that she always knew how good a book was based on how many times I cried. Or used Kleenex. I want to be able to do that.
  13. I spend a lot of time reading the blogs that I follow. I have mentioned before but will mention this again, I am so afraid to miss any of your posts that I have them emailed to me. Instantly.
  14. I love to cry. As odd as that sounds when I read I love it when the writer can make me cry.  Being able to connect through the words before me, to feel what the writer is trying to convey, means a lot to me. Sometimes I will have to stop reading because the pain is so overwhelming. Yet I will continue to read once the initial wave has passed.
  15. I love to sing. I use Spotify and it is awesome. I can spend an entire weekend writing and listening and never get to the end of my list. And I keep adding to it.
  16. Okay there are only suppose to be 15 things but I just had a thought…..let me know your favorite song. I love to discover new artists.

So there you have it. 15 things about me and 1 request. Have an awesome night/Monday wherever you are in the world. And thank you for reading me.

Me no Mentor

So before I begin I want to give a big thanks to Confessions of An Irish Procrastinator for giving me a wee bit of a kick in the ass to do this. She had decided to do the daily prompt every day for the month of May and asked for ride alongs. I am a ride along although I started 2 days in. If you have not had a chance to check out her  blog please do. I giggle every time I read one of her posts. And you do not need to be Irish nor a Procrastinator to enjoy.

I have thought long and hard about today’s word prompt. And I will tell you it has been difficult for me. Believe it or not I even googled the word to see if there was an alternate meaning that would work for me. Alas, there is not. Therefore this post is going to be short and sweet.

At no point and time will I ever mentor anyone. Never ever ever and this is accompanied by vehement head shakes.

I am the world’s worst teacher at anything. I do not have the patience to explain things over and over again. I become very frustrated and will end up just pushing whomever I am trying to teach out of the way (usually T although I believe he does it wrong just so I will) and do it myself. I get very irritated and do not know why.

See, I learn by hands on. Maybe I will listen to someone explaining to me what needs to be done, but for the most part I would rather play around with computer, phone, till, scales what have you, until I figure it out myself. Even if you do explain it to me, most likely I have zoned you out and figured out 10 different ways to do it faster and better. (Oh yes I know that sounds totally egotistical but that is how my mind works. I have short cuts upon short cuts and what may take someone upwards of half hour or more to do usually takes me 10 or 15 minutes.)

So my way of teaching is to show you once and than set you free. How else are you going to learn if you do not do it? Some people will thrive with this type of mentoring while others will flounder. And than my impatience gets in the way.

Best thing I have decided is to take a step back and not teach/mentor anyone. Let me do what I have to do and everyone else can be the teacher. It really is a better fit all around. Now, mom, wow she can mentor and teach but it is not a talent/attribute that she passed along to me.

Procastination

I am procrastinating.

Have done laundry. Which to be honest I totally forgot I had to do today. Until I used the last of the toilet paper and had to go get the rolls from the linen closet when what do I spy but my laundry basket. With both of my uniforms in it. That would have been a difficult one in the morning, having only the apron to wear to work. Somehow I am thinking that would not go over very well. So laundry is done and in dryer. Well I cannot do anything until the dryer is done so aforementioned uniforms do not end up wrinkled.

Okay laundry is done.

I guess I should explain what I am procrastinating on. I am writing a short story. I pretty much have it figured out however I am opening with the point of view of a really really disgusting slimy character. K asked me if I had to have his point of view and yes because it leads up to the children. The children are scampering about wanting to be written but I cannot until sleazer gets written. He is in my head and as I told DD I need to vomit him out before I can sleep because he will haunt my dreams.

After finishing the laundry I sat down to read a few blogs. That is not really procrastination because I love reading the stories of the people I am following. And than after reading Welcome To Our Campfire’s post A New Family Pet I had to write a short novel in response to it.

Okay now I am going to write……no see K and P are both messaging me. As is DD. So I cannot be rude and ignore them so I shove sleazer back into some dark cupboard and chat away. Well voice msg with K and P. Those are a blast and we are, I am very goofy at times.

Now I am going to write…..oh wait someone new has liked my comment on A New Family Pet and I must go and check out their blog. Bitchin’ in the Kitchen.  So over I go and am delighted to discover a new person who sounds and reads as a lovely person. I spent a good fifteen or twenty minutes perusing her blog, liking away and hitting the follow button. I laughed quite a few times. Okay most of the time.

Now I am going……..yeah I am not even going to pretend. I responded to a few comments in response to my comments. Than I moved into my room and got myself all settled in. Still talking with K who has now fallen asleep. DD is also going to bed. I am alone, with sleazer (he is in my head still not my bed) who is cackling.

I have like 6 emails to read and than I will go and write him. I really will have a bad sleep if I don’t excise him from my mind. Wish me luck.

Oh look I got 2 more emails. 🙂

Further procrastination taking picture with Thomas.

Cat & Story

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I was sitting here and decided to take my hair down. Pulled the clip out and ran my fingers through it, and the smell of my conditioner filled the air. All of a sudden there is pawing and purring behind me. Thomas is kneading the back of my head. I giggle a little and than he begins to slide around me. The above two pictures are his lolling about my neck as though he were a snake of some sort. A Thomas snake.

I was not sure what I was going to post today. I had no idea at all. So I am posting about Thomas. You may not want to read, but he makes me smile.

I did do something today that I am very proud of. I wrote a short story. One that I had an idea for coming out of a bizarre dream image. I almost actually screamed when I woke up but realized that it would make a good story instead. So I wrote. And wrote. And wrote some more.

The story flowed from my fingers. I wrote and it came. There were a few moments when I had a bit of difficulty, but I messaged K and she reassured me all was okay. If I needed to I could take a break. But I did not want to take a break because I was afraid that I would lose the flow of words.

My stories all tend to be a little dark. But as dark as they are, sometimes they have a joy and happiness in them too. Growth. They allow me to come to terms with somethings and I hope that at the same time, I tell a good tale.

This is probably really convoluted. Making no sense at all. But today was a good day. Thomas made me laugh and giggle as he gave me some feline loving. I wrote what I think is an amazing story. And two new poems. Oh yeah, I even worked this afternoon but that is nothing compared to the Writing!!!!!!

Have a great day/evening wherever you find yourself and at whatever time.

🙂

Not in her Shadow

***Originally I was going to write about gratitude. But as usual what I assume/think I am going to write about ends up changing.***
I am my very own worst enemy. Forever I am telling myself why I cannot do things. I have an idea. I want to write about my journey through depression. It will be filled with my own brand of quirky writing and some of my blog posts and poetry. I have gotten as far as writing the introduction to myself. I have ideas but I am not sure how to implement them. Little bits and pieces float around in my brain and yet I am unable to bring myself to actually begin to write. Why? Because I keep stopping myself.
Both Grateful Single Moms and Claire S. had posts this morning that basically kicked me in the ass. Once more the universe is telling me to get my shit together. And if I don’t do it, I am going to miss my opportunity. So why am I so scared to begin? What do I have to lose? If I do not do this I am going to spend the rest of my life regretting it. If I do, an entire world will open before me. Yet I am still hesitant.
Today DD and me were talking about kids and how they can feel like they are in the shadows of their siblings. That they feel they will never come out from there, finding their own niche. My response was that I never had to contend with that, baby bro is 7 years younger than me and male. I mean he has payed me the biggest compliments twice in my life. Once when in junior high he found my atroctious first novel, changed the cover page and tried to hand the work in as his own. It was over 200 pages long of the worst drivel imaginable. Although he was looking for an easy out on an english assignment he still chose my work. And than this year, he told me I was talented. I don’t think he realized how much that meant to me. (I am crying as I write this.)
Than I thought about it and I do have a shadow that I have always felt I have been in. My mom is an amazing woman. I know I have written that like a thousand times and I will write it a thousand more. I can never be as kind, helpful, nonjudgemental and wonderful as she is. She coped with being divorced in the 1980’s. She coped with two children who as teenagers were selfish little snots who caused her so much hurt and pain. She found her dream and went for it. 1999 she retired and moved down to Mexico. For a couple of years she sort of floated around not sure what to do. The original plan was to open a beachside clinic as she is a trained nurse. Yet the more she looked around mom realized that the need was to help the families that lived in poverty around her.
Mom decided that she needed to give back to the community that had welcomed her. She set out to and created a foodbank. Mom travels to meet families in need to determine if they are eligible for assistance. She began a prenatal program for pregnant women. She developed programs within the school and has psychology students going in and working with the kids for free. (I maybe a little off on some of this in regards to the programs developed) She plans and co-ordinates the fund raising.
Clothing is donated for men, women and children. There are cruise ships that stop there and there are so many people who have been in touch with her and bring down school supplies and toiletries. Many people who visit her bring down a suitcase full of humanitarian aid. My mom is an amazing and selfless woman. And I know that I am not in her shadow nor do I need to fill her shoes. Yet subconsciously I think that I am not able to live up to her. An interview done on her several years ago called her the St. Sharon of Chixchulub. She will be the first to dispute this title. I am so proud that she is my mom and all the things that she has accompllished. And I am afraid that I am going to fall short.
Please do not think that in any way shape or form, has mom done anything to deter me. Not once has she insisted that I do things her way. Well she really wanted me to attend University but that was not in the cards for me. I did not have the desire to attend more classes. Maybe if I had been smart and gone into a writing program I would have perservered. Or not. Maybe the life that I have lead has brought me to this point. I know that she is proud of me and wants me to live the best life that I can for me. And I need to believe that. I need to believe in myself.
I have written that before . Goodness but my post is a lot of repetition today.
I do not know why I still doubt myself. Why I can talk to others and help them with their problems or issues and yet am unable to deal as effectively with my own. Every time that I start to talk about belief, all I can hear is Eminem singing ‘Believe’ in my head. Not the enitre song but just when he says ‘Believe’ in the chorus. As though even he is telling me to believe in myself.
I began this post saying it would be about what I am grateful for and yet it has turned into another one of my wandering stories. Covering everything and nothing. Yet I learned something within these words. I am going to end this post with one thing that I am grateful for.
I am grateful for my mom. She has shown me the discipline to reach for my dreams. She has shown me that anything I want is possible. She is my mom. And I love her so.
P.S. Mom is going to be horrified by all of this. Most likely will feel an inkling of guilt. I will get a letter or call later in which she will tell me that I am not in her shadow and I do not need to compare myself to her. That I am a wonderful woman in my own right. And she is right. But she is the woman that I look up to the most so inevitably I am going to compare myself to her. I love you mom.
P.P.S. This is the link to the article about mom written in 2012 if you would like to learn more.