Word of the Day Challenge #80-Untitled Poem

Stare in the mirror
bedecked
beribboned
sacrificial lamb to the slaughter
service to family
to country
not for love.
Smile bright
let no one see the fear
already dreading this night…..
the next few years.
Cowardice lay the nunnery
death for family
derth of friends
stand
do ones duty
this is a must
there is no escape.
Born for this…..
Bred for this…..
look not forlorn
look not askew
a kindness of ravens
autumn’s bare branches alit
harbinger of someone’s death.
Giggling
snorting
dirty puns
saucy peek-a-boo
for the wedding night.
Stripped
laced into bed
knife beneath her pillow.
They thought she had hit the jackpot.
They thought he was the answer to their prayers…..
right they were
not the way they thought
having no idea of the plot
roll the dice
pawn to king
move with dignity.
Bow to partner
curtsy to foe
first step has been made
only she knew the rules
knew the truth
knew how the game was to be played.
©Jan. 5 2020
Picture via Pinterest

Triumphant

Dark abyss
toes curl over the edge
vertigo
looking over
should I fall
or back away.
Depths of blackness
clothed in hair shirt
chastising self 
sins not my own
muddied tears fall
so much easier to….. 
let go.
Eyes flutter open
heart
pounding
drenched in sweat
with fear.
Time I want not to return
time where I resided
died within
withered arms of deranged lover
who beat me
whispered
perverted words of love
I believed
for I had no one.
It took a leap
into ebony fissure
flowing liquid over cracked face
riding the wind
accepting
collecting
damaged parts of myself
amalgamating
into…..
flawed beauty.
Renewal of life
light
within
reaching for dreams
soaring
I am alive again.
©Jan. 2/20
Picture is mine

New Year…..New Me…..New Decade….New Everything

I watched the sun rise
faint pink blush
golden pulses fill the sky
hues of purple
sense of serenity
sense of peace
finally here
in my happy place.
I struggled.
I abused myself.
I tried to hide.
I am not that little girl.
I am not that frightened teenager.
I am not that beaten/destroyed woman.
No longer afraid…..
of what life has to offer.
To dream.
To love.
To chase what I want.
To be me…..
Writer.
Mother.
Daughter.
Sister.
There is more to me
than these four facets…..
there is adoration
there is pride
there is determination…..
I leave behind me
a decade/life time
of pain
of anger/rage
of despair
of thoughts no longer there.
I begin this New Year
this New Decade
strong
beautiful
and solely
100 %
Me.
©Dec. 31/19
Picture is my own

Charmed Monsters

Longing
yearning
ever so tired
grey is the day
this life
this path I trod.
Where is the light?
Where is the joy?
No Eden can I find.
The past…..
Free wheeling
dealing card after card
pain
humility
hungering
feeding upon the blackness
the evil
rooted within.
My past…..
No longer allowed to define
to dictate…..
Cut away
carve away
sword
epee
skewered to the ground
demons chained
eased with dosed medication
mine to do with as I will.
These daemons
still reside within
gentle murmurs
holding pain
holding fear
now my protectors
I need no longer beware.
Sanctuary found
hellions bound
labor of love.
This me
beauty and beast
all rolled into one.
©Dec. 30/19
Picture is part of my Positivity wall

Word of the Day Challenge #79-Untitled Poem

Woven
fantasies
dreams
of what I really want.
I try to deny
pretend
that love is an idea
not anything I am meant for.
Pain deflected
sly smile
shuttered eyes
I have released hope
allowed it to sail away
never to come back.
This heart of mine
colored black
barb wired sharp
honed to strike
asp bite
bitter tears cried
why
where did it
do I go wrong?
Why when I peek
let my fantasies through
love is first on the list
to hold
to have
to be desired
that is all I…..
taking a hiatus
following a path of my own
what come shall be of my own making
no more running
no more fleeing
I am opening myself to everything.
©Dec. 28/19
Picture is my own

Power Returned

***Picture is my own***

Well now this is a bit of a longer whisp of thought but only that I need to write the set up.

Tember was at his dad’s for Monday night and would be dropped off at home Tuesday afternoon for Christmas Eve. Which meant I could lounge around as my shift did not start until 10 a.m. on the 24th. It was not too cold so I did not need to go out early to start the car.

9:35 a.m. I got bundled up headed out the door and pull the car key from my pocket. Only to realize that it is shorter. Significantly shorter. I stared at it stupidly for a moment as I tried to figure out if it was always this short and I was a moron or had it broken.

Tried it on the car door. Nope not working. Called the ex’s home phone. No answer. Called the ex’s cell. No answer. Call work. Panicked. Nearly in tears. OMG I am going to be late for work. Called my boss hoping to catch her so she could pick me up. The one time she forgets her phone at home. Called P one of my besties and fearing I had woke her up hesitantly asked if she could come and give me a ride to work. She could.

I came back in the apartment. Called work. I am trying to figure out how to get home after work. How do I get to work on the 26th? I am on holidays next week so could deal with it then. I text the ex and let him know what had happened. I was at a loss.

As I climbed the stairs to wait for P tears in my eyes I stopped suddenly. What the hell?

‘Jay,’ I said to myself a little sternly, ‘this is something that is completely out of your control. You did not make the key snap. You did not do any of this. So why are you getting so worked up? There is nothing you can do right now so calm down.’

And like that I did. My heart settled and I no longer felt as though on the verge of a panic attack. I felt so powerful taking back my ability to control myself and my emotions. I did not lose it as I would have before. Cursing and angry. I realized that I was not going to allow this small thing to derail my day.

Off I went to work and used the story as a part of my day. Got the name of a locksmith. Ex came and got my keys. He was going to see what he could do for me. Had a great day at work. And it became even better when ex messaged to say that keys were cut and he would leave them with Tember when he dropped him off. I was ecstatic. And to top it off the ex wished me a Merry Christmas. The keys were my gift.

Two years ago…….a year ago……six months ago……I would have let the whole key situation bother me. I would have been down all day. How could this happen? And at Christmas? Not this time. This time I chose to not allow it to dictate my day.

There is a power in this. I have had another step forward in my personal growth. This is not to say that I am never going to get upset again…..and lose my temper over something so trivial……however if I continue to catch these small things and correct them…..learn from them…..I evolve more and more into the glorious woman I be.

Dec. 26/19

P.S. To top it off I went to lock the apartment door only to have my door key nearly snap off. Thank goodness I can use Tember’s. Never rains but pours……And I am still smiling. 🙂

Kaboom!

Today has been two years since my massive Kaboom! This poem is about that. 
Do you see?
Frightened eyes
closed to pain
closed to darkness
absorbed
wrapped in a past
chains biting
reality a rarity
easier to be drunk
easier to be stoned
numbed by pills
aching to be held
no one is there
only myself.
Do you hear?
In ears
stoppered
closed
voices still penetrate
scolding
abusing
no one loves
no one wants
kill yourself
no one will care.
Never ceasing.
Constant tirade of my thoughts
berating
my wrongness
my loneliness
a barrage of self abuse
for I am worthless.
How far do you fall?
I fell.
I continued to fall
a lazy
constant summer circle
no safety net
only a desperate need to control
to destroy
to silence that voice.
How does one gauge?
How does one decide to live or to die?
How can one want to live so badly
yet want to die too?
I chose to live.
I choose to live.
The tears I shed
for the little girl
so long unprotected
for the woman
who hid so long.
I chose to live.
I chose to accept…..
I am pain.
I am rage.
I am fierce protection.
I am the little girl
the teenager
the scalded woman
become anew
into the strong beautiful woman that is me.
©Dec. 23/19
Picture is my own