Freedom

Speeding down the road
top down
music blaring
running as fast as I can
from the pain
from the anger
from the rage.
Black pit
waiting
yawning
chasm deep
endless fall
turbulent.
Assailed
all sides
emotions
hurling at me so fast
I am unable to reconcile.
Where…..
what….
is the problem I run from?
I cannot find.
My mind is cloudy
my heart is closing
my mouth sealed
this way
misery contained.
Seeking sunshine
salt air
warm water
to surround myself
caress myself
lose myself
in acceptance.
Time has come
to clear
sweep
destroy
cobwebs lingering
embracing
truth
love
and self.
©May 11/19
Picture via Pinterest found by The Eclectic Contrarian
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Destruction of Heart

Blindly
tears fill my eyes
staring at the spidered ceiling
unable
unwilling 
to move
to arise
to live my life.
Pain
encompassing 
always there
no relief 
no contentment
only a blackness
surrounding me
entering me
consuming me.
Memories
happier times
loving times
all I have left
destroyed
raped
slaughtered
laughter ringing in my ears.
I lay on the ground
grasping 
anchoring myself
blood running
rivulets
spooling beneath me
nurturing the earth
depleting my soul.
High above
mystic angel
hovers
concerned
unsure
of how to intervene
how to make this…..
this horror
a teachable moment
knowing only that it had to be now.
Flowing through my senses
summer breeze
lilac
honeyed flowers
eyes flutter
open
weak will to live
more strength
surging
flowing from one to the other
I begin to return
turning my back on that black abyss.
Decision made.
Eyes flare with rage.
I will never let you destroy me
again.
March 25/19
Image by David Bruyland from Pixabay

Outsider

‘Hear ye
hear ye
it seems to be 
an outsider
writhing amongst our midst.
Sowing discord
loss
desire
in all whose path she crosses.’
I stood in with the crowd
cowled head
bent to hide the blues
the greens
the halos of my eyes.
No more did I wonder
when I heard these oracles
these leaders
decry the one who does not belong.
I knew it was me.
Cruel beasties
tied to my side
tethered
chained
beholden to do my bidding
as long as I was here
in this place
in this time.
Madman
madder than he was before
rending his clothing
his flesh
screaming of the one who does not exist.
Oooooohhhhhhh
I no longer exist
which means that there……
there are no consequences for acts done.
No need to not try to change
disrupt
agitate
the populous so trodden down
losing hope
beaten
to rise above their pious Lordlings
toss them down
erase them from this life?
Am I truly evil?
Am I Danger?
Have I fallen off the wayside?
Am I truly Lost?
Or am I retribution?
Off with their heads
no cake for the wicked
soon I shall cast off this cowl
making myself known.
Down and down
the Rabbit’s Hole I fall
each level
a new experience
tying me to this place.
 
January 10/19
Photo by Viktor Forgacs on Unsplash

Lost

‘I was lost
but now I am free’
shrieked the madman
hiding behind the tree.
Hair matted
gimlet eyes
screeching about end times.
I have watched him.
His mathematics
calculations
ruminations
formulas only he understands
as he tries so hard to discover
the date of the last day
when the world shall die.
Since I fell down the Rabbit Hole
I have seen…..
Many a breathtaking wonder.
Many a fascinating strange thing.
Many a wicked frightening thing.
None of which
captured my attention
like the madman.
Sitting upon desert sands
blown upon grass so green
I watch
waiting
wondering what shall be.
‘You are the menace.
You are the demon.
You are the downfall of all men.’
I looked around
wondering
to whom he spoke.
It was I.
None other dared to be close
save for myself
the very malodor of him
a tangible taste upon the tongue.
I waggled my fingers
a sardonic grin
twisting my lips
as he stood
imploring
begging
beseeching
help to arrive
to defend him from the She-Demon.
The one who did not belong.
January 8/19

Freedom Found

Cold shadows
undulate down the wall
slithering
skittering
making me cower.
I shrink down
pull my knees close
head tucked in
hiding
hoping I will be unsighted
glanced over
ghost that I am.
Frost
bitter
drowning when all come near
ravens fly
calling my name
subduing chilling screams.
Wrath
plummeting to my
demise
destruction
sudden wings explode
flapping
spiralling
soaring
feeling warmth….
sunlight.
Ice melts
water flows
freedom has been found
with belief of myself.
December 9/18

Rending

Locked in my mind
vicious voice
rending my soul
my belief
in self.
Denouncing the strength
the knowledge
riding over affirmations
burying them in the cemetary dark.
I am lost
I am tired
I am afraid
to look down this road once more.
My knees shatter
I offer up beseechment
leave me alone this time
I won’t fight the next.
Thick mimosia
clinging
wrapping
entangling
knock me from my feet
blood flows
tears collapse
as I shudder beneath.
You silly bitch
hissing voices scream
you have no control 
you have no ability
to rid yourself of me.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
July 18/18

Caught

When you look at me

your smile on your lips

my stomach does a flip

and butterflies soar.

When you touch my hand

pulling me in close

my breath catches

as I stare in your eyes.

I keep telling myself

not to do this

not to fall

for heartache is brutal

I have felt.

Swooning

your lips pressed to my ear

you whisper sweet nothings

stroking my hair.

Even as I fall

even as I let go

I know deep down

this happiness is fleeting.

I do not care.

I will live.

I will love.

I will be myself.