Harsh Reality

The way that I am feeling is in part a response to T crying for his dad last night.

For my inability to see beyond my own ego and knee jerk reaction of being hurt oh yeah that is a big factor.

Because I feel like such a fraud. That I am not really a good mom. I am not even a mediocre mom.

I come home from work, I make us dinner. I clean up, I get T’s lunch for the next day ready. I check to make sure everything has been taken out of his knapsack. Finally, I get to take my uniform off put my jammies on, wash my face and sit on the couch. T is on the computer as usual. I usually flip through Netflix throw something on and read or check messages on my phone.

I head to bed about 8:30, exhausted from my day. From being on all the time. From all the smiling and talking. I have nothing left to give to T but my kind indifference. I love him I do. I am not sure I am the right mom for him.

I want to be that mom who is there for everything. Who is able to stay home and care for her child and be there to volunteer at school. The mom who makes the arts and crafts projects that her child wants to make. Baking fresh cookies. Making dinner with all the four major food groups. But that is not the reality of my life.

My life is tiring. My anxiety is beginning to creep up again and I know why. The weather is changing so there is less sunlight. Less sunlight means less vitamin d. Less vitamin d leads to a plummet in my moods which even my meds cannot help to balance out. So I added vitamin d into my daily vitamin regime and am waiting for my energy to kick in at home. Not only during the eight hours that I am at work.

I am finding it more and more difficult to relate to T. His life is nerf guns and Scrap Mechanic. Watching videos of people playing videos. I do not know how to talk to him. I ask questions and bug for answers. He answers briefly before shutting me out. Again that is my fault.

So I need to change. Changing my behaviour will lead to a change in T’s behaviour. No more supper before the computer and t.v. Off the computer and electronics from 8:30-9 during which time T and me will play cards or talk about what is going on.

I cannot continue to follow this path. It is hurting me and hurting T. I want more than anything to be a mom that T knows loves him so much even if I cannot be and do all the things I want to for him. That is all.

Just that he knows I love him.

Author: Jay-lyn Doerksen

A single hard working mom of a soon to be teenage son. A poet and story teller I have wanted to write since I was a child. This space is where I share stories about myself and my life and the creative poetry that stirs my soul. My hope is you will pull up a chair and a cup of coffee delving into the world that I offer and you find simple enjoyment for a few moments. Welcome to The Wonderful & Wacky World of One Single Mom

2 thoughts on “Harsh Reality”

  1. You are guiding T in his life to know he does not get everything he wants and sometimes you have to be strong to get him to see the message! Life is not all fun and games and we all know that. Stop berating yourself and do the best you can and T will follow. Good luck with your changes that you are implementing!! Always a tough decision.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Intellectual Shaman

Poetry for Finding Meaning in the Madness

Maryam's Blog

My views on politics, Health, Smartphones, Computers, Laptops and other gadgets

Dark Caves and Dusters

Collection of a creator

The life of a dreamer.

"She believed she could, so she did." 🌙

Earthly Comforts

Inspired By Nature

Writing, Reading, Living, but mostly Hiding

Writing, blogging, journaling

Sarah Rajkotwala - Author & Spiritual Teacher blog

Gardening Fairies Flowers Spirituality Angels Love Joy

Small Business Administration Offers.

We are constantly adding new offers to our site. Be sure to come back later.

Learning with Life

Poems, quotes, learning, feelings, introspect, experience as well as discovering..

Poetry Of Tantrik Nihilist

A blog for my lyrics/poetry. Typically, I write about dark things such as nihilism, the occult, social commentary, introspection etc.

Chain Breaker821

#motavation#grief#addict#jesus# grace #recovery#lostloveone#widow#Godsavedme#butterfly

Enchantress Lands

Magic all around

° BLOG ° Gabriele Romano

The flight of tomorrow

Unabashedly Ashleigh

A mom's journey from hardship to new beginnings

Heartwritten Story of a Daughter

—By Gabriele Schmetterling Richter

Captain Q

Poems From The Pirate In My Soul

Big Adventures Little Car

Get outside! Big adventures await!

%d bloggers like this: