I’m Sorry Part Deux

For those of you who saw the poem ‘I’m Sorry‘ you know that there was an incident between Tember and I this weekend.
He lashed out at me. Made fun of my teeth. Not going to lie it hurt. Called them Bunny Teeth. When I asked why he was being like this he told me I did it all the time. Which as you know took me aback. What? He felt as though I was making fun of him in a mean way? When I asked him to explain/tell me a time that I had done this (cite your sources) I got the ‘I love you. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee’
It hurt like a son of a bitch.
I cried.
I wracked my brain trying to figure out when I could have been so hurtful. When had I said something to make him feel like this?
I spoke with a friend of mine who reassured me that Tember would eventually realize what he had done. That he would apologize.
Here is the kicker folks. This happened on Friday after I had purchased the CPU for him. This was after I told him that I had a surprise for him. And than wham! Shot out of the dark.
Now I know what happened. And the poem I wrote lays it out.
My weekend.
The Ex asked to have Tember so they could build a fort together.
Spend time together.
Tember was so excited he left his Xbox at home.
His Xbox people-his Xbox!!!!!
Friday started off good.
He goes to his dad’s and things seem ok.
The glue gun broke so dad had quit making the fort.
This is what he told me.
Told him to go hang out with dad.
Was told that dad was hanging with the girlfriend.
My heart is breaking because I know what this weekend meant.
Get a link that takes me to a picture of myself with the caption ‘look at those bunny teeth.’
Yep.
Regardless of the pursuant conversation I wanted to lash out and tell him that I had purchased a new hard drive for him. That he would not be getting it. But I took a deep breath. I purchased it as a gift for Tember. Telling him and taking it away was cruel. What was to be gained? So I bit back my comment and as per above asked when I had done something like this to him. He ducked and ran.
Saturday tell him I have a surprise.
Also asked him if he was still pissed with me. Yes I said pissed. Please this child has heard so much worse come out of my mouth I am not going to be a hypocrite. He said he never was mad with me and he was sorry.
I told him he hurt me.
I admit I was still really hurt. This is not how I taught Tember to behave.
Here’s the kicker…..
 he was mad at his dad but could not take it out on him so easier to provoke a fight with mom.
Because no matter what she will always be there.
 And once that dawned on me (ashamed to admit that it took me awhile to put 2+2 together) I got it.
Sunday Tember told me he loved me and was again sorry for what had happened Friday evening.
Monday he comes home.
Finds the CPU which by the way in my infantile outbreak decided not to set up for him…….probably best thing anyways as he was able to set it all up the way he wanted to today. He flies into my room and thanks me.
Again tells me he is sorry and did not mean it about my teeth.
I had braces when I was a kid but my front teeth have since moved back to their normal position. To the point where I am embarrassed of my smile. I know that I am buck toothed. I am told over and over that I have a beautiful smile yet as soon as Tember made that comment to me all self-confidence was gone.
I am still not really over it.
I am known to harp and harp and harp on the same subject. I know this. So tonight I needed to say one thing and that would be it.
I told Tember I needed to get this out. Once it was I would never bring it up again. He agreed.
His behaviour was that of a bully. He found something that he knew would hurt me and used it intentionally. This is not how I have taught him. He hurt me.
Forgiveness is an incredible thing.
I figure some are going to say that as the adult I should blow it off. I am not built that way. And he pinpointed the one main thing about me that causes me to be self-conscious.
I needed for him to realize how powerful words are. Which is why I may have gone for a couple of days making him think about how he made me feel. I am hopeful that he is going to remember this. I am hopeful that I am going to remember this.
Out of this experience we learned:
I can think before I speak.
I still am a wee bit childish making my own child suffer for hurting me. (Oh I know there are people reaching for their phones but so what……he learns)
Tember realized why it hurt me.
He took my words about being a bully and hopefully has taken them to heart.
I am his safety net. The one constant in his life that never changes. I might drink a little much. I might swear a lot. I am a proponent of 4/20 lol and enjoy it.
But…..
Not a day goes by that I do not tell Tember and show him that I love him.
Not a day goes by that we do not laugh.
Not a day goes by that even subtly a lesson is learned. And not all lessons are learned by Tember. I have learned my fair share as well.
I am not a conventional mom.
I share a little too much.
Am such an embarrassment because I am a little too open about sex with him.
I am his cheerleader.
I believe that he can do absolutely anything he wants to do.
I adore him and tell him this on a daily basis.
He is my so(u)n (yeah silly I know)…..
my moon…..
my stars……
he is my everything.
©May 19/20
Picture is of us

Virtues

Was up at the bright time of 5:15 a.m. on my second day of holidays. Rolled out of bed and started the coffee. Opened the laptop…..walk away and make bed (adulting) come back and…..wait what? 
My laptop is not open to the login page. It is a blank screen and a blue circle thinking. So I try to reboot. Several times. Alright for those who know me like a gazillion times. Bright side I did not yell and scream and curse. I very calmly waited until 8 a.m. and called the repair shop. To have to leave a message. So I did.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the most patient person in the world. And now I am on holidays the laptop decides to stop working. Old me would have been enraged and in tears. New me decided to walk away and shower. 
Half hour later and we have……message about pc not shutting down properly and did I want to restart which might fix problem or advanced. Me not being a computer expert at all picks restart. And it begins all over.
Nope not waiting for a call. Load up laptop and decide to take old cpu to see about repairing/refurbishing it. More adulting going on here and a lack of…..you guessed it patience. 
I love that I live less than five minutes by car. Pulled up and sat on phone for moment watching 👀 to see how many are going in and coming out. And also realized there was parking right in front. Moved car up. 
This is another new step for me. I know nothing about computers. I know nothing about repairing. I know nothing and am not afraid to admit it.
I also am rarely impulsive. Deciding something and if I truly need it requires some deep thinking. Weighing out pros and cons. Etc. Well not today. Apparently adulting leads to some impulsiveness for when told that am 11 year old cpu is not worth fixing I asked what was available and in the space of five minutes purchased a brand new cpu for Tember. Who is at his dad’s until Tuesday. Which means I have time to set up. 
I now at home staring at the phone willing it to ring. I am lost without my laptop. I do all my things on there. And writing on phone and trying to post can be frustrating. 
Patience is a virtue the old adage goes. It is a virtue I lack ain’t gonna lie. 
May 15/20

Picture is my own