Ugly Reality

You must hate me.
What have I done?
Why?
My body aches
my mind races
forever afraid
I hate that.
Watching every move you make
reading each motion of body
no mistakes
cannot make
for should I
repercussions will be great.
Home
where the heart is
where the soul is rend
hiding away from the world
no one hears my words
no one sees my eyes
dead inside.
Raise your fist
open your hand
cuff the back of my head
love tap
you assure the others
while I look down at my feet.
Subjugated
demeanor has changed
no longer a fun loving girl.
Kick me while I am down.
Beat me while I am up.
Chained to your desires
your whims
my life
a living hell.
©Feb. 28/20
Picture via Pinterest

Pièce de Résistance

***This is a continuation of Expunged Love and  Queenly Insanity *****

Dead
eyes stare forward
tears long since departed
resentment
settled
buried in breast
forgiveness
I can no longer give.
You tore through
whirling dervish
splintered
peace
serenity
fingers everywhere
poking
prodding
rending innocence
shattered breath.
Protracted abuse
bruised lips
I did not care
I could not care
you would find a way
to destroy.
Harlot
whore
took her to your bed
friend no more.
Thrown to the wayside
I crept
I grew
I stripped the veneer
gentility
gone
ferocious teeth
bared to throat
rip it free.
Black
ashes
war paint
war cry
you
your harlot
better bolt
coming for you I am
created me you did.
Death’s Queen
riding
white stallion
scythe to hand
I am a living nightmare
one you created
one you made.

©Feb. 26/20
Picture via Pinterest

Expunged Love

Eyes
bruised grey
hair lank
dead
detached
when…..
who….. 
what….. 
is coming for me?
Nowhere to run.
I wait.
Heartbeat count
fevered brow to pane
it has been ordained
they will collect me.
I care not.
Frost.
Black heart
wreathed
iced
encased
fingers etched glacier blue
cold.
Throw the bitch a bone
I heard your guttural voice
Nothing more
Nothing less
She deserves…..
I forgot your twisted side.
I forgot your hate.
I forgot just what it meant to be
the one who jilted the King.
©Feb. 22/20
Picture via Pinterst

Forgettable

You told me I was unforgettable
he proved it.
You told me that you loved me
he proved that he did.
You told me I was safe with you
that was a lie
you tore my heart in two.
He picked up the pieces
glued them back together
held my hand
every night I cried.
Listened
to every memory
angry tirade
sad blindness
never saying a word against you.
You thought that I would be here
you thought that I would wait
what you did not count on
was…..
anyone can be replaced.
Turns out you were forgettable.
©Jan. 25/20
Picture via Pinterest

Olly Olly Oxen Free

Corner
sitting
staring out the window
leaden sky
pregnant with cold
as is my soul
my heart
now that you are not home.
Spread your wings
little bird
soar free
whispered in my ear
a means to sending me away.
Pouting
glinted ire
ragged tears
hitched rage
pain
aching
never felt this way…..
Hollowed out
messed up in the head.
You complete me!
I screamed
Don’t you dare walk away!
You did
dare that is
anger did flare
stabbed you
again and again
until there was no heartbeat
no more conflict.
Sat in the corner
painted crimson red
now you are dead…..
I have fled…..
come out
come out
where ever you are…..
©Jan. 15/20
Picture via Pinterest

Kaboom!

Today has been two years since my massive Kaboom! This poem is about that. 
Do you see?
Frightened eyes
closed to pain
closed to darkness
absorbed
wrapped in a past
chains biting
reality a rarity
easier to be drunk
easier to be stoned
numbed by pills
aching to be held
no one is there
only myself.
Do you hear?
In ears
stoppered
closed
voices still penetrate
scolding
abusing
no one loves
no one wants
kill yourself
no one will care.
Never ceasing.
Constant tirade of my thoughts
berating
my wrongness
my loneliness
a barrage of self abuse
for I am worthless.
How far do you fall?
I fell.
I continued to fall
a lazy
constant summer circle
no safety net
only a desperate need to control
to destroy
to silence that voice.
How does one gauge?
How does one decide to live or to die?
How can one want to live so badly
yet want to die too?
I chose to live.
I choose to live.
The tears I shed
for the little girl
so long unprotected
for the woman
who hid so long.
I chose to live.
I chose to accept…..
I am pain.
I am rage.
I am fierce protection.
I am the little girl
the teenager
the scalded woman
become anew
into the strong beautiful woman that is me.
©Dec. 23/19
Picture is my own

Two become One…..

Winter
shrouds the ground
covering all in sleeping death
memories stored
forgiveness withheld
oh damn you poor woman.
Life attacks
in so many ways
how can you be sure
which lesson you should learn?
It is easy to differentiate.
At least it is for me.
I run
I hide
I try so hard
not to face the voice in my head.
I turn my eyes
I duck my head
I am weak
I am
I cannot
I will not
oh shit
hear it comes again…..
the voice
whispering
chiding
making me see.
Truth is not easy to face
to see.
It is painful.
Rip back the scab.
Rip back the veil.
It is time…..
amalgamate me.

©Oct. 13/19
Picture is my own