Forgettable

You told me I was unforgettable
he proved it.
You told me that you loved me
he proved that he did.
You told me I was safe with you
that was a lie
you tore my heart in two.
He picked up the pieces
glued them back together
held my hand
every night I cried.
Listened
to every memory
angry tirade
sad blindness
never saying a word against you.
You thought that I would be here
you thought that I would wait
what you did not count on
was…..
anyone can be replaced.
Turns out you were forgettable.
©Jan. 25/20
Picture via Pinterest

Olly Olly Oxen Free

Corner
sitting
staring out the window
leaden sky
pregnant with cold
as is my soul
my heart
now that you are not home.
Spread your wings
little bird
soar free
whispered in my ear
a means to sending me away.
Pouting
glinted ire
ragged tears
hitched rage
pain
aching
never felt this way…..
Hollowed out
messed up in the head.
You complete me!
I screamed
Don’t you dare walk away!
You did
dare that is
anger did flare
stabbed you
again and again
until there was no heartbeat
no more conflict.
Sat in the corner
painted crimson red
now you are dead…..
I have fled…..
come out
come out
where ever you are…..
©Jan. 15/20
Picture via Pinterest

Kaboom!

Today has been two years since my massive Kaboom! This poem is about that. 
Do you see?
Frightened eyes
closed to pain
closed to darkness
absorbed
wrapped in a past
chains biting
reality a rarity
easier to be drunk
easier to be stoned
numbed by pills
aching to be held
no one is there
only myself.
Do you hear?
In ears
stoppered
closed
voices still penetrate
scolding
abusing
no one loves
no one wants
kill yourself
no one will care.
Never ceasing.
Constant tirade of my thoughts
berating
my wrongness
my loneliness
a barrage of self abuse
for I am worthless.
How far do you fall?
I fell.
I continued to fall
a lazy
constant summer circle
no safety net
only a desperate need to control
to destroy
to silence that voice.
How does one gauge?
How does one decide to live or to die?
How can one want to live so badly
yet want to die too?
I chose to live.
I choose to live.
The tears I shed
for the little girl
so long unprotected
for the woman
who hid so long.
I chose to live.
I chose to accept…..
I am pain.
I am rage.
I am fierce protection.
I am the little girl
the teenager
the scalded woman
become anew
into the strong beautiful woman that is me.
©Dec. 23/19
Picture is my own

Two become One…..

Winter
shrouds the ground
covering all in sleeping death
memories stored
forgiveness withheld
oh damn you poor woman.
Life attacks
in so many ways
how can you be sure
which lesson you should learn?
It is easy to differentiate.
At least it is for me.
I run
I hide
I try so hard
not to face the voice in my head.
I turn my eyes
I duck my head
I am weak
I am
I cannot
I will not
oh shit
hear it comes again…..
the voice
whispering
chiding
making me see.
Truth is not easy to face
to see.
It is painful.
Rip back the scab.
Rip back the veil.
It is time…..
amalgamate me.

©Oct. 13/19
Picture is my own

Lost and Found…..Again

It has happened again. I lost myself. Well I did not really loose myself so much as I was ignoring myself.

I suppose it is hard to describe, the ignorance I push. When it was with mom I ran away, stuck my head in the sand, wasted an entire summer because I was ashamed of my behaviour. I had guilt. And I had anger. And it all came to a head. The thing is though it all came down to forgiveness. I forgave mom because I know now that had she known nothing would have stopped her from protecting me. Where once I thought maybe there was a slight knowledge now I know that is not true. So when I say that I need to forgive mom I only mean I needed to let go of my expectations. You cannot expect someone else to act the way you would without having gone through your experience.

This is going to be all over the place. I will probably read once and then post. I need to forgive me. I need to say Jay it is okay.

Last year when things happened I crawled and not for myself. I crawled. I whimpered. I begged. I made believe. I should have packed all my things up and left the first day. But I did not. Am not sure why for when I awoke and recalled that he had cheated, I felt relief. Thank god I dodged that bullet. But I did not want to let go. I can say it is not the man that I was afraid of losing it was how he treated me. And now my realization is sickeningly, it was how my father was. Smarmy. Confident. Sucks you in. Hell now that I look back I should have shut him off after the first time we met.

However and I am not making excuses I was in a raw place. I had finally faced it all. Faced my pain. Faced my rage. Faced the reason why I was slowly killing myself with pills. I was moving into a place of security. A place where I could love myself. But I needed to know that I was lovable.

Problem is I am a fixer. Or was a fixer. In that I want to make it all right for everyone. So I attracted men who needed to be fixed. Hmmmmmm I wonder where that came from. With the knowledge that I have now, I understand. It is not an awesome truth to behold but there it is.

1. Pain and fear are really the controlling emotions.
2. Forgiving oneself is hard to do.
3. Being honest with oneself is the hardest thing you will ever do. You think you are honest? Stop and really look at yourself. Shut down the voice that is always with you. Shut down the preconceived notions and listen. That voice…..the tiny one that is pipping up in the corner, that is the voice that you do not want to face. That is the voice that lays it all out brutally. You have no where to run.
4. There are many outs. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. Food. These do nothing to help. It is an empty hole that cannot be fed.
5. Happiness is a choice. Oh I know how trite that sounds. I know beyond a doubt I have lost at least three quarters of my readers right here. I am a woman who lives with depression. I live in fear that one day I am going to be so far sunk into my depression that I can never return. I am forever analyzing my behaviour. My everything. Do you know that is like? (If you do let me know)
6. As above happiness is something that I can choose. Because happiness is an emotion depression is a disease. Oh my god as I typed that this weight lifted from my shoulders. I can be happy. It is my right to allow myself to be happy. I am not dependent on what others think. I am not dependent on how others see me. I am me. How I see me that is important.
7. It is hard to face myself. To listen. To really hear. I do not want to face how I am. How I have been molded. How I always go after the same type of men. How I would rather place a mask over my face then admit the truth.

I stand in front of the mirror. I look at the woman gazing back. I realize time has come to say: ‘Jay it is okay. So you made a mistake. So you stayed when you know you should have run. You should have packed up that first day but pride made you stay. Woman it is time to let go. Your hurt no longer stems from the act but the wounded pride.’

I am done. I have written what must occur. I have to let it go. I was an idiot. I made a mistake. We all do. Make mistakes I mean. I have unfollwed. I have stopped everything that I see on Facebook. I cannot completely cut him out for without him I would not be at the place I am. However I am now at peace. I have forgiven myself.

©Oct. 13/19
Picture is my own.

Miss Hyde

Grey desolation
bleeds through the colors
stalking me
daring me to run
so it may hunt me.
Hurling through the abyss
I hear mocking laughter
screaming in my ears.
I shriek.
Rip at my hair.
Cover my ears.
Shed tears of sorrow
of hopelessness
of despair.
When did I become so lost?
When did my world go from sun
from flowers
from moonlight dinners
to this?
It hurt.
I sit alone
at a table for two
a single glass of wine.
I sip it slowly
eyes scanning
until I find you…..
my love.
I gave you everything.
He stole from you.
I put aside my hopes
my dreams.
He took your future.
I float in a fog
there is no more worth living
he no longer loves me
he no longer cares.
He never did.
It was all a game.
You lost.
He stole your everything.
Voices
grim
screeching with righteousness.
I grip my head
stronger then they am I.
Stumbling back
I run and hide.

©Sept. 25/19
Picture via Pinterest

Lightening’s Agony

***Not indicative of the place I am right now. I am extremely happy and doing very very very well. 🙂 ***
Brilliant flashes
jagged streaks across the night sky
wind
ripping at my clothes.
I am freezing.
Standing on the water’s edge
I bleakly wonder
do I really want to drown?
Dark whorls
dance across the midnight depths
facet of life unsold
memories
bleak
black
overpowering agony
sink to the sand
head upon my chest.
Tears
life force flooding
rapt am I
with the emotions fleeing
anesthetized
despondent
I no longer know how to feel.
Trepidation
when I reached to take your hand
I begged you to understand
to not leave me senseless.
I allowed time
to ripen around
finally
clasping your fingers with mine.
Bewildered I was
when you tore free
anger blurring your face.
This monster
abasing me
I knew not who you were.
Wretched desire
I lay head on the sand
moon pregnant in the sky
chilling water
lapping at my face.
©Sept. 17/19
Picture is one of my own.
Taken at Matlock Beach.