Coffee Time or Grab a Cuppa

I am pretty funny.
Or rather I think that I am funny.
T not so much so.
He even mentioned to me that much as I thought he was not funny well he did not think I was funny.
How can that be possible?
Everyone thinks I am funny.
Or maybe it is in the delivery?
In the honesty of it?
And how a lot of times I am poking fun at myself?
The other day I was talking with my supervisor at work (K) about how I was an extra body.
Me: So today I am pretty much an extra body.
Well not pretty but an extra body none the less.
K: Sputters to laughter.
I do not even think these things they just fly out of the mouth.
Me to a customer: First day out?
C: Blinks: How did you know?
Me: I can always spot a fellow inmate.
Roars with laughter.
I do not take myself seriously at all.
I use to but no more.
And I am accepting my faults and working on them.
You must be wondering where I am going with this all.
No where I am just going to talk.
So grab a coffee take a seat and prepare to be wowed.
Okay maybe not wowed but I can chatter a bit and share something.
There is a young woman who is a supervisor.
She was a choice that I had interviewed and I really felt that she was not right for the position.
I made an error in judgement and mentioned it to someone and it got back to her.
She went crying to management that I was not giving her a fair shot.
I had a mini kaboom shortly thereafter and she was promoted while I was on leave.
This was 6 years ago.
I am not the mean bitch that I use to be.
I demanded perfection.
Things were to be done my way because it was fast and efficient.
I was a horror show I am sure.
But that was past me.
Present me is much more different.
Present me is laid back.
I get annoyed and upset but I am working very hard to not allow it to chew me up inside.
I practice dealing with what is bothering me and letting it go.
When I have to work with this young lady either as a cashier or in my capacity in curbside I get tense.
She bleeds anxiety.
She snarks at me a lot.
For most part I let it wash over me.
But now she is beginning to interfer with my hard won serenity.
My peace.
Tuesday was a busy day for me.
Plus I was back after being off for several days due to the elbow.
When I came into work there were five orders that had come in the day before which she had done no work on.
And when I asked her why she told me that I was going to be mad at her either way so it was better not to do it.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I have been off with a bum elbow.
I would have greatly appreciated her having done the work for me.
Pick the dry goods and leave the fresh items until the next day.
And I am 48 damn years old I do not need to spend my time being mad at someone for helping me out.
Pause for the eye roll.
coffee time
I was telling this to K on Friday when she mentions that the other supervisor had discussed it with her.
I was so upset I almost burst into tears.
Not because I was sad and hurt.
No because I was so damn angry.
I have not been that enraged in a long time.
Enough was enough
Lesson time for me here.
Where in the past I would have mulled and chewed and allowed her to get under my skin I reacted differently.
I was angry.
I made a decision to talk to my manager.
And that was it.
When he came in I went and talked to him.
Told him that she was stressing me out.
That I had even gone to each supervisor at one point and apologized to them when she was having one of her power binges.
If I was ever that bad I am surprised they did not band together and dispose of me.
I had muttered about killing her one day and he heard me.
Realizing that this is serious he is going to be talking to her.
Whether she calms down or just no longer works curbside I don’t know but I do know that I cannot work in direct contact with her any longer.
Also I am on day 205 of my sobriety.
I was drinking very hard in the summer of 2018.
Very hard.
And I was not a good mom.
I put a man before my child.
Flash forward to now not drinking.
And I keep having images of that summer.
Which was driving me nuts as I was so far passed missing that man I could not figure it out.
Until I did.
T came home and I asked him to come sit with me on the couch.
Pretty sure he thought he was in trouble but he wasn’t.
Me: T I want to apologize to you. In summer of 2018 I was not a good mom. Not a good mom at all. And you did not deserve that. I am so sorry buddy.
T: What are you talking about?
Me: When I was with J and drinking so much.
T: I don’t even remember that mom.
I cried.
He shook his head and wandered off.
And now those flashes of memories no longer come.
I am only remembering so I can mention it.
Well I think I have caught everyone up on the wonderful and wacky world that I live in.
I need to run out and start the car.
As you can see brutal cold.
Have a fabulous and warm Monday all.
©Feb. 8/21
Pictures are my own.

A little Surprise…..

Today is the day! I begin my personal grocery shopper roll. As of last night I had 10 orders to process today. Not knowing the size of orders I have no idea how long it is going to take me to get together. But I am so excited.

I knew that we were going to have a small blurb on our local news on-line presence as well as our Facebook page. There is a difference between knowing and scrolling your news feed and suddenly there your face (or half of it) on display for the whole world to see. I got a lot of ‘you’re famous now’ comments on Saturday.

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I really am hoping that having less customer contact/less being ‘on’ all the time is going to help me to revive my lagging mental energy. And I am being honest other than these few aches and pains (wrists and elbows not aching as much this morning) it is mentally that I am struggling.

Not struggling worried about depression I know that I am no where near where I have been in the past. I am medicated lol which sounds funny but I take my anti-depressants faithfully every morning. I know what abyss awaits me were I to quit taking them.

When I say I am struggling it is a general feeling of malaise. Struggling to read. Struggling to write. Struggling to stay connected with others. I have finally begun to walk the walk that I am talk. Setting up boundaries. Expectations of self. Taking responsibility for my actions.

I recently had to step back from a close friend. I love her to death but at the moment the excess of emotional overspill as well as not really knowing who this person is any more I moved a distance back. I had to. The toxicity surrounding her was seeping over into my life and I was stressing. This is boundary setting for me. I can no longer cheerlead for someone who actively works to undermine her worth and self. It is destructive to both of us. We still talk and I am always going to be here. I just need to let her find whatever it is she is looking for.

The other day I found myself in an uncomfortable situation. A sexual one. I was talking with a girl friend when someone made the comment ‘look at all the boobies.’ One boobies is such a stupid ass word. Not even sure who thought it up but ugh. That is aside from the point. I was incredulous. This person is someone with authority in the position they hold in their work place. And I felt ick. When I walked away I felt ick ick ick ick.

Now in the past I would have chuckled uncomfortably and never said anything.  But this time I could not let it pass. If I were to say nothing it makes me as complacent as all those people I have rallied against in my poetry. I would be a part of the problem. Me-a survivor of sexual abuse. And now I am going to be quiet?

In all honesty I went over it a few times in my head. Was I doing the right thing? I worried about what others would think about me if they find out I was the one to say something. Even as I am writing this I started to justify why I said something when I do not even need to. It was said. I felt uncomfortable and it was not the first time.

Before I would have said nothing. I would have let it go. Tucked my head down and been quiet. I cannot do that. And not be truthful to myself. To my ideals. So I stood up for myself. It was hard to say.

There is one bright silver lining in all of this tumult that I am going through. I have not felt overwhelmed. I have not felt a need to cry. Not that I have not been weepy but I have not been emotionally cryie. I know it is not a word I just made it up.

Well that took a rather meandering turn. This was just to be about my becoming a personal shopper for customers today and took a right turn through the maze of my mad mind. He he he he.

Thanks everyone for reading and putting up with my babbling streams of consciousness. I really do write the way that I talk. So if you run screaming from this peek inside the warped and wefted brain of Jay I really don’t blame you. However if you enjoy stick around the ride is just getting started.

Have a Marvelous Monday loves.

©Dec. 7/20