A little Surprise…..

Today is the day! I begin my personal grocery shopper roll. As of last night I had 10 orders to process today. Not knowing the size of orders I have no idea how long it is going to take me to get together. But I am so excited.

I knew that we were going to have a small blurb on our local news on-line presence as well as our Facebook page. There is a difference between knowing and scrolling your news feed and suddenly there your face (or half of it) on display for the whole world to see. I got a lot of ‘you’re famous now’ comments on Saturday.

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I really am hoping that having less customer contact/less being ‘on’ all the time is going to help me to revive my lagging mental energy. And I am being honest other than these few aches and pains (wrists and elbows not aching as much this morning) it is mentally that I am struggling.

Not struggling worried about depression I know that I am no where near where I have been in the past. I am medicated lol which sounds funny but I take my anti-depressants faithfully every morning. I know what abyss awaits me were I to quit taking them.

When I say I am struggling it is a general feeling of malaise. Struggling to read. Struggling to write. Struggling to stay connected with others. I have finally begun to walk the walk that I am talk. Setting up boundaries. Expectations of self. Taking responsibility for my actions.

I recently had to step back from a close friend. I love her to death but at the moment the excess of emotional overspill as well as not really knowing who this person is any more I moved a distance back. I had to. The toxicity surrounding her was seeping over into my life and I was stressing. This is boundary setting for me. I can no longer cheerlead for someone who actively works to undermine her worth and self. It is destructive to both of us. We still talk and I am always going to be here. I just need to let her find whatever it is she is looking for.

The other day I found myself in an uncomfortable situation. A sexual one. I was talking with a girl friend when someone made the comment ‘look at all the boobies.’ One boobies is such a stupid ass word. Not even sure who thought it up but ugh. That is aside from the point. I was incredulous. This person is someone with authority in the position they hold in their work place. And I felt ick. When I walked away I felt ick ick ick ick.

Now in the past I would have chuckled uncomfortably and never said anything.  But this time I could not let it pass. If I were to say nothing it makes me as complacent as all those people I have rallied against in my poetry. I would be a part of the problem. Me-a survivor of sexual abuse. And now I am going to be quiet?

In all honesty I went over it a few times in my head. Was I doing the right thing? I worried about what others would think about me if they find out I was the one to say something. Even as I am writing this I started to justify why I said something when I do not even need to. It was said. I felt uncomfortable and it was not the first time.

Before I would have said nothing. I would have let it go. Tucked my head down and been quiet. I cannot do that. And not be truthful to myself. To my ideals. So I stood up for myself. It was hard to say.

There is one bright silver lining in all of this tumult that I am going through. I have not felt overwhelmed. I have not felt a need to cry. Not that I have not been weepy but I have not been emotionally cryie. I know it is not a word I just made it up.

Well that took a rather meandering turn. This was just to be about my becoming a personal shopper for customers today and took a right turn through the maze of my mad mind. He he he he.

Thanks everyone for reading and putting up with my babbling streams of consciousness. I really do write the way that I talk. So if you run screaming from this peek inside the warped and wefted brain of Jay I really don’t blame you. However if you enjoy stick around the ride is just getting started.

Have a Marvelous Monday loves.

©Dec. 7/20

Winner Is…..

Of late I have totally been off my game.
Whiny.
Teary.
Frustrated.
Annoyed.
My list goes on and on.
All negative emotions.
It is like a dark cloud is hanging over my head.
And it has carried over into all aspects of my life.
Creativity-gone
Reading-a couple of pages and either I am falling asleep or feeling itchy.
Watching Law & Order because I cannot get interested in anything else.
Work-Irritable despite smiling and joking.
Home-Constant rearranging/discarding of things.
I have big plans to do things and get home from work…..
ideas/plans peter out.
This possibly is a cycle with me.
Never have I had difficulty with a big birthday.
20
30
40
27 bawled like a baby on my birthday and could not tell you why.
35 I needed change got pregnant and had T.
42 I fell apart. Kaboom number 2.
45 I fell apart Kaboom number 3.
Although this did begin the start of my new real life so not really a thing.
48 I am looking at things and know I need change but how?
Looking at this and realize that my biggest shift is in my 40’s.
Something to mull over for a later date.
I have a child I am raising.
Who at 12 still requires me full time to look after him despite what he may think.
T is all great at being ready to do this and do that like get a job but whines and fights with me when I ask him to do the dishes.
He is great at arguing with me.
I annoy him to no end because I am usually on the couch killing myself laughing as he stands in the kitchen telling me why he cannot do something.
And I love telling him how he so could have been done whatever it was I was asking of him and back playing Farming Sim with his friends.
But noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…..
My point being I am feeding and clothing said child.
Which necessitates work.
Never mind that I do like where I work.
And my wage.
And my holidays. Paid.
And my benefits. Shared cost inexpensive to say the least.
Every time I begin to write it fades away after a bit.
Not when I write poetry but short stories.
Have great ideas or at least I think they are great but my characters after a brief moment of non-stop barfing of self run off into the woods to play hide and go see or peek-a-boo don’t look behind you…..
In high school I wrote a novel.
Horrible thing but write it I did.
My characters spoke to me.
I lived and breathed them.
Now though not sure where they have all gone.
Anyhow let me get back on track here.
Change is needed.
Unsure how to go about changing or what exactly it is that needs change.
Last week my manager came to me with a question.
The company I work for at present does not have a shopping option where the customer orders pays for it and a shopper at the store does their shopping.
They come and pick it up.
Never have to enter store.
Never have to deal with line ups.
Our competitors do.
It was something that was looked at as a future endeavor.
Until Covid.
Until now.
How would I feel about doing the shopping and organizing of orders for a program like this.
Before the man was even half way through I was like oh yes.
Absolutely.
My wrists and elbows will have time to rest.
I will not be in a till with customers constantly flowing through.
My contact with customers will be when I am shopping the aisles or putting groceries into their vehicles.
I am getting paid to shop for other people.
This is a dream job.
I have always said if I could get a job as a personal shopper I would love to do that.
Love to do it.
And now I can.
Beginning next Monday our store is launching our own version.
Yesterday I spent my afternoon clearing out the space I will be working out of.
Once all the garbage and BBQ’s had been removed it proved to be rather roomy.
And I swept it up.
Asked to have cleaners wash the floor too.
I am beyond excited about this.
To start 3-4 days are going to be doing this role.
I have a feeling that it is going to be all 5 days for this is not only a matter of convenience but safety as well.
It gives peace of mind to our customers who are concerned about contact outside their bubble.
Which ever way it works out I am excited about the change that is coming and I believe that it will be exciting and fun.
Last week Monday and Tuesday I was feeling down.
Lost.
Sad.
Fast forward a week and I am feeling good.
Excited.
Happy.
What last week was morose and ick feelings have morphed into excitement and renewed energy.
Is it possible that the shift is within me?
That making constant daily use of my blue light is working and I am an idiot on the days that I forget to turn it on.
Whichever way one wants to look change has once more found me and I am coming out…..
A winner once again.
©Dec. 1/20
Picture is my own