Today has been one of those days that began with a storm and ended in sunshine. T and I went head to head this morning. Screaming. Crying. I told him to shut up. He tried to hit me. Unsuccessfully before you get up in arms. I easily batted his hands away as he was screaming at me not to touch him. I locked myself in my bedroom. Eventually things settled down.
I am not proud of either of our behaviors. However a friend told me that some times you need to assert your authority. Remind them who the boss is. I had forgotten about that. T apologized to me and our morning ended with my dropping him off at school. And trying to teach him some times tables on the way to school. He did not like my attempts even though I was trying to teach him some short cuts. I told him that in either grade 3 or grade 4 (positive it was grade 3) I use to be sent off to a quiet room off the library to do my times tables. I had some issues learning them as well. I still use short cuts I taught myself when I need to times some numbers.
Went to work intent on talking to my boss about my return to 8 hour shifts May 14th. However he was busy and I did not catch him before my shift started. So I forced him to talk to me on my 15 minute break. That I set my timer for. I wanted to know how he was feeling about me. What he thought and/or felt about my return. What we were planning to do.
He asked me how I felt I was doing. How I was doing. Not how the front was doing but me. And what did I do, I told him everything that I was noticing that was wrong. Again I need to learn how to not do these things. I need to step back and do my job. Just my job. Not manage but interact with the customers. Talk with people. I am uncertain if I should go and mention that I realize my error in listing out what I was seeing or if I should leave it alone.
We decided that I am going to work Customer Service and Cashier until the end of June. During this time I am going to decide whether or not I want to remain the Lead Supervisor. If I want to step down and be a supervisor. Or completely remove myself from the supervisory responsibility altogether and become full time Customer Service/Cashier. Still at same wage. Still with same benefits. Still with 40 hours a week. And no responsibility. None. Other than to come in and do my job.
While talking with my friend, I listed out all the pros. This here is the largest one, even though I have gone back to work my creative juices have been flowing. I am having ideas galore, some are funny, some are dark, but they are there. I have begun working on my first collection of short stories and poetry. I am excited. Last night I did not want to go to bed at 10 p.m. because I wanted to be writing. I woke up at 4 and thought about getting up to write but I had been in the middle of a great dream and decided that I wanted to try and recapture it.
Tonight I have had two ideas pop up and a third in play. My first batch is a little dark, okay a lot dark and warped. My comedic ideas are totally lighter. I think that once I get some of this darkness out of me, I will settle into a balance. This is the joy of writing short stories, I can write about everything and anything.
My evening has been good. I did not turn on the t.v. until around 6. I was home at 2. Although I did not do a full work out I did do my toning exercises. Supper was pork tenderloin sliced thin, 4 slices of cheese toast and salad. I was famished. As I was cooking I realized/spotted the above item on the floor. I picked it up and was about to throw it away when I realized what it was.
I had bought T a 6 pack of Powerade. It is one of the rings that hold the 6 together. He snipped it so that when it went into the garbage and eventually made it to the dump, that no animals could get tangled up in it. So I must be doing something right.
Okay, now I am so embarrassed. I was asking T where he had learned to cut the loops so as to save the animals. And he looks at me like I have grown 2 horns. Has no idea what I am talking about. I explain to him how birds can get tangled in them, smaller animals etc. He is shaking his head. So I ask why he is cutting the loops. So he can get the drink out. I could only stare at him. I told him I had been bragging about him all over the place. And now alas, I am wrong about his motives. Where oh where did I go wrong? (JK)
Strangled by the threads of expectation
pushed on one’s self
until they are choking
unable to articulate their screams,
because today nobody cares.
Pushed into the rubber room,
walls plush with velvet padding
tormented screams rent the air
as demons play games.
Games of love,
only to be shown that love is not for them.
Games of torture,
voices grinding in their ears
until they can take it no more.
Strangled by the threads of expectation
unable to bear
this less than perfect image.
***Pic via Pintrest***
Am not sure why but I feel as though I need to share this. I am in a really good place right now with my medication and having stopped drinking. I use my blue light daily which helps as well as taking my vitamin D. This was the start of my ‘crash’ as I call it in 2014. It is the one and only time that my depression sunk its claws so deeply into me that I needed time off to confront my demons. And confront them I did. This began a journey that ended up with where I am today and the road still unfurls before me.
Jay-lyn December 3/17