Illusion

Seen from afar
her golden strength
almost unbearable.
No wrong can she do.
No task she cannot complete.
Trying to right the wrongs of the world
striving to hide her weaknesses.
Never realizing 
what that anger 
that pain
ignored would do.
Crumpled in a ball on the floor
tears ceaselessly fall.
No one to comfort her.
No one to hold her tight
assuring her
it will be alright.
Instead
they turn away
perturbed by the sight.
Try as she might
the mask she wears 
crumbles all at once.
Pain so exquisite
it pierces her heart
her soul.
Trembling
alone
cracked image in the mirror.
This is a woman imploding.
One who can no longer play the game.
Lying on the floor
all cares
all worries gone.
Crimson river flowing.
The pain felt slowly
sweetly
fading away
until she is numb.
Death is not an option.
No succor for the damned.
He appears.
Promises all shall be well
then drags her down
to the depths of hell.
©July 17/19
Picture via Pinterest
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Untitled Poem #3

***Please note this is not indicative of how I am feeling/going through.***
Jibber
Jabber
voices in my head
calling
screaming
flames flare
scorching
am I finally dead?
Wafting
fleeing
hiding
pain
so much pain
head pounding
bloody
I opened a vein.
Crimson spray
paint the walls
maroon
warmth slowly fades.
Slowly
ever so slowly
I slide down the wall
life ebbing away.
Tears
slow warmth
glides over softened cheeks
staring
eyes glazed
darkness encroaching
midnight hour comes…..
goes….
I am so lost.
December 11/18
Picture is one of my own taken Summer 2017

Cleanse

Vile
blackened heart
blackened soul
teeth digging in
rending dreams
no child should have to run from.
Disguised
cloaked decent
only the tiny eyes
lips trembling with fear
for deep inside
they know
it will be their fault
never yours
see the monster beneath.
Dancing through the shadows
I stalk
desiring to rid myself
this world
those poor imps
from your tainted touch.
Death escapes
last breath
trials of blood
at my feet.
Eyes fading
glow extinguished
now
I can wash this sin away.
November 29/18

Sleep Alone

I see you
from the corner of my eye
lingering
hovering
so close
yet still so far.
Burning eyes
staring
gritty with dust
count the stars
count the sheep
please
oh please
let me sleep.
Ragged
exhausted
ready to fall down
release me from this cruel grip
of sleepless nights
tired days
insomnia
what a bitch.
All I want to do is sleep.
Nightmare beings
seen behind closed lids
hallucinations
or reality?
Let me sleep
let me rest
haunt me not
with your blooded presence.
Ghostly steps
clawed hand hooked in hair
demon sold
blasted in fire
beseeching
falling to my knees
screaming
let me go…..
please.
Whimpering
mewling
tears
shredded bleeding eyes
gouged with bitter dreams.
Let me go
let me be free
loosen your steel grip.
Allow
a moment of respite
before
talons spear
brain to soul
torture inflicted
monsters begone
release me
let me sleep alone.
November 23/18
Photo by Larm Rmah on Unsplash

Queens of the Crowd

I know what she is like
the little girl inside of me
when hurt
sad
in pain
she hides. 
I work so hard
to not be whiny.
I work so hard
to not be so needy.
I work so hard
to keep the smile of my face
but some days
it is harder than others.
This is the nature of my disease.
No excuses
not going to deny
depression
anxiety
they are the Queens of the crowd
I
merely the jester
on bended knee
forever in their sights.
Before I would not allow myself to feel
pills used to numb
to kill
what was going on inside of me.
I no longer do that.
I allow myself to feel.
Wearing my heart on my sleeve
giving my all
sometimes I am going to fall.
When I do
go kaboom that is
reach out
talk to me
hold me tight
let me know that I will be alright.
November 22/18

Scars

My story can be told
by the seams
scar tissue
wrapped around both wrists.
The first time
I could find no release
silent screams
tearing from a broken body.
It was easier to bleed
than give voice to the fear
the cause
the betrayal.
It became second nature
pain
alleviated by blood
dripping
scoring the floor beneath.
One day I will go to far.
What will they think
peering into this closet
a nest of rags
broken toys
a childhood long forgotten.
To find the blades I pilfered
some rusted through.
Each tells a tale
of pain
fear
abuse
eyes wide open
everyone else blinded
what does a girl do?
Not this time
my heart still beats on.
My anguish
grey mimosa
none shall see
the tears that I weep.
November 15/18

Vile Voices

I think
no I know
that you do not really understand
what my anxiety does to me.
I do not need you to hold my hand
I do not need a night time of chatting
but I do need
a good morning
a good night
maybe just a simple smile
for when I hear nothing
my heart begins to crumble.
I realize
that I am strong
independent
able to carry on.
What most do not realize
is the voice that hisses
bitches
rips me apart
telling me that
for some reason
I am just not good enough.
I am sorry to be so needy
to need assurance
I just need to be told
all will be okay.
I trust you
I love you
I know that you will not abuse
yet… 
please understand
for so long
I was debased
I was shattered
when those who loved me
turned away.
You need to realize
I am not always strong.
Every once in a while
I need to be held
be told
that you love me indeed
as I love you.
All I am asking
is for your understanding
of the vile voices in my head.
November  13/18