Lightening’s Agony

***Not indicative of the place I am right now. I am extremely happy and doing very very very well. 🙂 ***
Brilliant flashes
jagged streaks across the night sky
wind
ripping at my clothes.
I am freezing.
Standing on the water’s edge
I bleakly wonder
do I really want to drown?
Dark whorls
dance across the midnight depths
facet of life unsold
memories
bleak
black
overpowering agony
sink to the sand
head upon my chest.
Tears
life force flooding
rapt am I
with the emotions fleeing
anesthetized
despondent
I no longer know how to feel.
Trepidation
when I reached to take your hand
I begged you to understand
to not leave me senseless.
I allowed time
to ripen around
finally
clasping your fingers with mine.
Bewildered I was
when you tore free
anger blurring your face.
This monster
abasing me
I knew not who you were.
Wretched desire
I lay head on the sand
moon pregnant in the sky
chilling water
lapping at my face.
©Sept. 17/19
Picture is one of my own.
Taken at Matlock Beach.
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My Titan

Shadows
creep
crawl
infest the corners
dancing under the sheets
pulling on my toes
nibbling on my finger tips.
Monster under the bed
hear him roar
distant rumble
build up of thunder
rolling across the midnight sky
roiling clouds
covered by darkness
he lurks
he hunts
he will come for you.
Creep creep
hear the floor creak
under the covers
tears stuttered
hand over mouth
please
oh please
go by my room.
I hear the snick of the door knob turn
fear
gathers
acid burning my throat
unable to scream
unable to run
I close my eyes
willing myself away from here.
Shush.
Fingers in my hair.
Shush.
My body tightens with fear.
Shush.
Tears gather
mouth opened in silent howl
someone
anyone
help me.
Shush.
Nearly disappeared.
Hidden
kept safe
ignorance
in this case is bliss.
Not a detriment.
Sudden silence
rending
devouring
slice his soul
suck it from his body
consume the ill death that he was
as I peek up.
You save me.
My Monster.
My Friend.
My Fiend.
No fear.
No fear.
Always with me.
©Sept. 9/19
Picture via Pinterest

Illusion

Seen from afar
her golden strength
almost unbearable.
No wrong can she do.
No task she cannot complete.
Trying to right the wrongs of the world
striving to hide her weaknesses.
Never realizing 
what that anger 
that pain
ignored would do.
Crumpled in a ball on the floor
tears ceaselessly fall.
No one to comfort her.
No one to hold her tight
assuring her
it will be alright.
Instead
they turn away
perturbed by the sight.
Try as she might
the mask she wears 
crumbles all at once.
Pain so exquisite
it pierces her heart
her soul.
Trembling
alone
cracked image in the mirror.
This is a woman imploding.
One who can no longer play the game.
Lying on the floor
all cares
all worries gone.
Crimson river flowing.
The pain felt slowly
sweetly
fading away
until she is numb.
Death is not an option.
No succor for the damned.
He appears.
Promises all shall be well
then drags her down
to the depths of hell.
©July 17/19
Picture via Pinterest

Untitled Poem #3

***Please note this is not indicative of how I am feeling/going through.***
Jibber
Jabber
voices in my head
calling
screaming
flames flare
scorching
am I finally dead?
Wafting
fleeing
hiding
pain
so much pain
head pounding
bloody
I opened a vein.
Crimson spray
paint the walls
maroon
warmth slowly fades.
Slowly
ever so slowly
I slide down the wall
life ebbing away.
Tears
slow warmth
glides over softened cheeks
staring
eyes glazed
darkness encroaching
midnight hour comes…..
goes….
I am so lost.
December 11/18
Picture is one of my own taken Summer 2017

Cleanse

Vile
blackened heart
blackened soul
teeth digging in
rending dreams
no child should have to run from.
Disguised
cloaked decent
only the tiny eyes
lips trembling with fear
for deep inside
they know
it will be their fault
never yours
see the monster beneath.
Dancing through the shadows
I stalk
desiring to rid myself
this world
those poor imps
from your tainted touch.
Death escapes
last breath
trials of blood
at my feet.
Eyes fading
glow extinguished
now
I can wash this sin away.
November 29/18

Sleep Alone

I see you
from the corner of my eye
lingering
hovering
so close
yet still so far.
Burning eyes
staring
gritty with dust
count the stars
count the sheep
please
oh please
let me sleep.
Ragged
exhausted
ready to fall down
release me from this cruel grip
of sleepless nights
tired days
insomnia
what a bitch.
All I want to do is sleep.
Nightmare beings
seen behind closed lids
hallucinations
or reality?
Let me sleep
let me rest
haunt me not
with your blooded presence.
Ghostly steps
clawed hand hooked in hair
demon sold
blasted in fire
beseeching
falling to my knees
screaming
let me go…..
please.
Whimpering
mewling
tears
shredded bleeding eyes
gouged with bitter dreams.
Let me go
let me be free
loosen your steel grip.
Allow
a moment of respite
before
talons spear
brain to soul
torture inflicted
monsters begone
release me
let me sleep alone.
November 23/18
Photo by Larm Rmah on Unsplash

Queens of the Crowd

I know what she is like
the little girl inside of me
when hurt
sad
in pain
she hides. 
I work so hard
to not be whiny.
I work so hard
to not be so needy.
I work so hard
to keep the smile of my face
but some days
it is harder than others.
This is the nature of my disease.
No excuses
not going to deny
depression
anxiety
they are the Queens of the crowd
I
merely the jester
on bended knee
forever in their sights.
Before I would not allow myself to feel
pills used to numb
to kill
what was going on inside of me.
I no longer do that.
I allow myself to feel.
Wearing my heart on my sleeve
giving my all
sometimes I am going to fall.
When I do
go kaboom that is
reach out
talk to me
hold me tight
let me know that I will be alright.
November 22/18