Death’s Desire

The masks I wear
Beneath a face
None see
None realize
Is yet another masque
Fear
Ruler of this domain
Laughter maniacal
Sending chills
Down my back
Birthing
Insanity
Clutching at the bars
The door lockless
Handleless
No escape
Only hell beneath my feet
It is not easy
Day after day
To play this person I am not
Assuring all
Never again will I fall
Never again will I fail
Yet knowing
There is no net beneath my feet
No current upon which to rise
Blood let
Seeps red crimson
Pain is gone
For me at least
Yours is just beginning.

I am sorry

©Feb. 19/20
Picture is my own

Peer Behind the Curtain

*******Preface this is not how I am feeling at all. I was reading another blog this morning when the words written struck a cord. This poem is a result of that. Describing the time leading up to the Kaboom of 2017*****

Look
how can she know
what it feels like
to be trapped
to be ensnared
in sticky strands
black anguish
struggle for freedom.
Look
not at the cover
what is beneath
scarred
cracked
broken
each piece
a little out of line with each other.
Look
see her smile
her joy in life?
Look
peer through black mimosa
see the child sized woman
wracked with doubts
demons
cackling
dancing around
a wicked game of bully be
from which there is no escape.
Look and see
bottles lined up
alcohol
pills
bitter retreat
dulled numbness
run from the past
from memories brutal and true.
Enough tears
enough pain
enough of everything…..
a bottle later
the voice still screams
shaking
unable to see
crying
do not let anyone come near
do not let anyone hear
leave it be
death maybe the only way out.
Look
found
love within self
truth within self
myself 
in the herself I use to be.
©Jan. 28/20
Picture is my own.

I Aver….

****7 Days****
Whispers
Close
A sound unheard
Tremble
Lost
Blackened Demons
Fire set
Burn you at the stake
Diving
Delving
Shredding your brain
With deadly thoughts
Scored with poison
Bitter thorns embed
Tearing fragile flesh
Gnawing tender bones
Sucking emotioned marrow clean
Sunken
Dead eyed
Walking through life a shadow
Ever afraid
To face yourself.
To see the truth.
You are beauty.
You are faith.
You are love.
You my darling 
You are more than enough
Come close
Myself
Broken
Bruised
Place weary head to shoulder
Sleep now
You guarded me well
Rest 
I will guide us 
I will love us
I will live for us
This I promise.
©Dec. 18/19
Picture is my own

Lightening’s Agony

***Not indicative of the place I am right now. I am extremely happy and doing very very very well. 🙂 ***
Brilliant flashes
jagged streaks across the night sky
wind
ripping at my clothes.
I am freezing.
Standing on the water’s edge
I bleakly wonder
do I really want to drown?
Dark whorls
dance across the midnight depths
facet of life unsold
memories
bleak
black
overpowering agony
sink to the sand
head upon my chest.
Tears
life force flooding
rapt am I
with the emotions fleeing
anesthetized
despondent
I no longer know how to feel.
Trepidation
when I reached to take your hand
I begged you to understand
to not leave me senseless.
I allowed time
to ripen around
finally
clasping your fingers with mine.
Bewildered I was
when you tore free
anger blurring your face.
This monster
abasing me
I knew not who you were.
Wretched desire
I lay head on the sand
moon pregnant in the sky
chilling water
lapping at my face.
©Sept. 17/19
Picture is one of my own.
Taken at Matlock Beach.

My Titan

Shadows
creep
crawl
infest the corners
dancing under the sheets
pulling on my toes
nibbling on my finger tips.
Monster under the bed
hear him roar
distant rumble
build up of thunder
rolling across the midnight sky
roiling clouds
covered by darkness
he lurks
he hunts
he will come for you.
Creep creep
hear the floor creak
under the covers
tears stuttered
hand over mouth
please
oh please
go by my room.
I hear the snick of the door knob turn
fear
gathers
acid burning my throat
unable to scream
unable to run
I close my eyes
willing myself away from here.
Shush.
Fingers in my hair.
Shush.
My body tightens with fear.
Shush.
Tears gather
mouth opened in silent howl
someone
anyone
help me.
Shush.
Nearly disappeared.
Hidden
kept safe
ignorance
in this case is bliss.
Not a detriment.
Sudden silence
rending
devouring
slice his soul
suck it from his body
consume the ill death that he was
as I peek up.
You save me.
My Monster.
My Friend.
My Fiend.
No fear.
No fear.
Always with me.
©Sept. 9/19
Picture via Pinterest

Illusion

Seen from afar
her golden strength
almost unbearable.
No wrong can she do.
No task she cannot complete.
Trying to right the wrongs of the world
striving to hide her weaknesses.
Never realizing 
what that anger 
that pain
ignored would do.
Crumpled in a ball on the floor
tears ceaselessly fall.
No one to comfort her.
No one to hold her tight
assuring her
it will be alright.
Instead
they turn away
perturbed by the sight.
Try as she might
the mask she wears 
crumbles all at once.
Pain so exquisite
it pierces her heart
her soul.
Trembling
alone
cracked image in the mirror.
This is a woman imploding.
One who can no longer play the game.
Lying on the floor
all cares
all worries gone.
Crimson river flowing.
The pain felt slowly
sweetly
fading away
until she is numb.
Death is not an option.
No succor for the damned.
He appears.
Promises all shall be well
then drags her down
to the depths of hell.
©July 17/19
Picture via Pinterest

Untitled Poem #3

***Please note this is not indicative of how I am feeling/going through.***
Jibber
Jabber
voices in my head
calling
screaming
flames flare
scorching
am I finally dead?
Wafting
fleeing
hiding
pain
so much pain
head pounding
bloody
I opened a vein.
Crimson spray
paint the walls
maroon
warmth slowly fades.
Slowly
ever so slowly
I slide down the wall
life ebbing away.
Tears
slow warmth
glides over softened cheeks
staring
eyes glazed
darkness encroaching
midnight hour comes…..
goes….
I am so lost.
December 11/18
Picture is one of my own taken Summer 2017