Bleak & Black

I feel like my tears are a show of weakness.

I feel like my inability to control my emotions shows me how unstable I am.

I want to walk through life

Not immune to the cruelties

Not blind to the atrocities played out

But closed from the terror of my own heart.

From the pain that still cripples it.

From the battering it has taken.

Family.

Love.

Life.

I am not complaining.

I just do not want to hurt any more.

I do not want my heart to feel hope.

I do not want to look for care.

I do not want to look for love.

For too long I bared heart

And soul

Upon this tapestry of my life

Woven between fingers blooded

Threads digging

Criss crossing

My wrists

Tethering me to the loom.

I succumb to the darkness.

Allowing it to wrap me in its warmth.

Gentle arms I have felt before.

A grim memory.

A grim lover.

One of bleak comfort.

For now I feel no more.

©March 20/24

Plague

In the quiet
sitting with peace
tears fill these eyes
for there have been times
when I have been less
less than.....
the good mother I want to be.....
the friend I strive to be.....
the daughter I failed to be.....
the sister I cannot be.....
I drank.
I drugged.
I lost so much.
My child.
I let him down
so hard 
I am trying to reverse that shame
the guilt I feel
is ever present
even as I push it down.
I have struggled.
Past never truly leaves
its taint
touching all parts of life
bleeding 
carrying into
space of love 
blackening 
joy 
tearing at my soul
images 
dancing behind 
closed eyelids.
Smiles.....
false
painted over
I dream of times before.....
when I was still a little girl
before the ugliness
before the pain
before the shit that made me 
reigned down and destroyed.

©April 9/23