Scars

My story can be told
by the seams
scar tissue
wrapped around both wrists.
The first time
I could find no release
silent screams
tearing from a broken body.
It was easier to bleed
than give voice to the fear
the cause
the betrayal.
It became second nature
pain
alleviated by blood
dripping
scoring the floor beneath.
One day I will go to far.
What will they think
peering into this closet
a nest of rags
broken toys
a childhood long forgotten.
To find the blades I pilfered
some rusted through.
Each tells a tale
of pain
fear
abuse
eyes wide open
everyone else blinded
what does a girl do?
Not this time
my heart still beats on.
My anguish
grey mimosa
none shall see
the tears that I weep.
November 15/18
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Vile Voices

I think
no I know
that you do not really understand
what my anxiety does to me.
I do not need you to hold my hand
I do not need a night time of chatting
but I do need
a good morning
a good night
maybe just a simple smile
for when I hear nothing
my heart begins to crumble.
I realize
that I am strong
independent
able to carry on.
What most do not realize
is the voice that hisses
bitches
rips me apart
telling me that
for some reason
I am just not good enough.
I am sorry to be so needy
to need assurance
I just need to be told
all will be okay.
I trust you
I love you
I know that you will not abuse
yet… 
please understand
for so long
I was debased
I was shattered
when those who loved me
turned away.
You need to realize
I am not always strong.
Every once in a while
I need to be held
be told
that you love me indeed
as I love you.
All I am asking
is for your understanding
of the vile voices in my head.
November  13/18

Drowning in Brutality

Brutal
the screams in my head
voices
whispering
digging
stabbing
wearing away my base.
Reaching out
help me please
do not let me drown
you stand upon the pier
looking
watching as I go down.
Grasp not
the hand raised in fear
in hope
in desperation
fuck you
how could you let me go down?
Watch me bleed
watch me founder
watch me grasp
cling
reach for
the saving hand.
You let me drown
you let me die
you erased my from your life.
Never fear though
For I shall haunt
all your midnights.
November 8/18
Photo by nikko macaspac on Unsplash

Untitled Poem

I hear you.
Voices
whispering in my ear
taunting
disturbing
the aura
surrounding me.
Vicious.
I cringe
tongue lashing
striking
finding chinks in the armor.
I try so hard
not to scream in defeat.
Nails
talons
hook my soul
pulling forth
wraiths
dancing with the devil
tears shatter on my cheeks.
Bereaved
on my knees
unable to forget
head bent
submission
why oh god
why
can I not obliterate
the memories that I carry.
Prostrate
I lay upon the alter
blooded laments
anger stirring
rage
consuming.
Wanting nothing more
than to dismiss….
fear
pain
doubt
conjuring….
strength
time
belief.
I struggle to my knees.
Supplicant
hands raised
forehead bent
touching the cobbles
I cannot abate
let loose
fall free
of the person I am to be.
November 3/18
Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

Untitled Poem

Little girl
voice a silent whisper
those who should have protected
fell short.
Turned their blind eyes
away from the pain
thought that it would go away
the devastation they did cause
who cared
for they were not the ones
carrying the burden.
Screams resound
bounce from one wall
to the next
gripping my head
trying
determined
wishing
that these memories were dead.
I see
I remember
did you know you were in the room?
Guess when you are the only one
to feel
to remember
to live in anguish
everyone else can ignore
unless they stare down at you
make you feel like a whore.
Oct. 23/18
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Silent Times

I live in my head.
At times it can be
too much
too little
a constant stress for me.
I write words so beautiful
yet when I am called upon
there is no eloquence
no ability
to not stumble over my tongue.
I know it is intense.
Were you to have a glimpse
see within
roiling
tossing
the way sparks fly
not one thought
sticking to me
you may run in fear.
When I become too tired
unable to contain
I retreat into silence
shutting down
blocking everything out
for if I do not
insane I will be.
Oct. 22/18
Photo by Wei Ding on Unsplash

The End

***This is not an indication of how I am feeling. I got the first line and the rest flowed through.***

Tides of crimson
washing over
absolving the sins
that father visited upon me.
No matter the tears cried
pleas
begging
desperation
I was ignored
rejected
kept close by a man
who thought to rape
destroy
raze
my inner self
so I did only what I could.
Tendons shredded
veins split
watch the blade slice in
blood welling
tears flowing
this is how it ends.
Oct. 21/18
Photo by Stephany Lorena on Unsplash