Plague

In the quiet
sitting with peace
tears fill these eyes
for there have been times
when I have been less
less than.....
the good mother I want to be.....
the friend I strive to be.....
the daughter I failed to be.....
the sister I cannot be.....
I drank.
I drugged.
I lost so much.
My child.
I let him down
so hard 
I am trying to reverse that shame
the guilt I feel
is ever present
even as I push it down.
I have struggled.
Past never truly leaves
its taint
touching all parts of life
bleeding 
carrying into
space of love 
blackening 
joy 
tearing at my soul
images 
dancing behind 
closed eyelids.
Smiles.....
false
painted over
I dream of times before.....
when I was still a little girl
before the ugliness
before the pain
before the shit that made me 
reigned down and destroyed.

©April 9/23

Until Only I Remain

*** I am alright. My creativity for poetry seems to have returned. These are again my ability to recall those dark days of depression.

Pieces of me

siphoned off

shorn off

leaving

patchwork quilt

scars

broken dreams

lost within

a brewing mimosa

despair

pain

screams of

why?

What did I do?

When does it end?

Where does it end?

Never

the vile voice whispers

I will always remind

pathetic

stupid

no one loves you

until there will be nothing

there will be no one…..

but me.

Your bully’s voice

bringing to fruition all I predicted.

Shuddering in defeat

curled inward

that voice

shouting

screaming

blocking out all others

until he is right

all are gone but his voice

beating at me over and over and over

from within my own mind.

©Sept. 20/22