Today’s episode of ‘Let’s see if Jay can keep her cool…..’ is brought to you by…..me!
It has been awhile (okay a long time) since I have given an update as to what is going on with me and T.
The end of the year was difficult for T and I. We had a lot of rough mornings, yelling and screaming and that was just me. He ranted and cried and refused to leave the house. We have to find a balance for next year as I am just so unprepared to deal with this. As well, he is going to soon out weigh me so it will be harder to push him out the door. 🙂 The last time we battled, I ended up grabbing him by the back of the neck and frog marching him into the bathroom. Than dragged him out by his arm. All while he screamed ‘stop hurting me, you’re hurting me.’ This lead to a serious discussion on the way to school let me tell you.
Now for braggy mom to come out. T sailed onto Grade 5. With flying colors. My son is a mostly A student with a couple of B’s thrown in there. The subjects that were the lower grades, well not the ones that he found to be all that enjoyable. What I need to enforce this summer is reading so that he will be going into Grade 5 on par with his peers.
Me time, me time! I have been doing awesome. I am happy. I am confident. Yes, no doubt there are days when I have a little let down but they never last long. I am setting goals for myself and although I have yet to begin working on a single one, I have them. Work is going so amazing.
Stepping down absolutely was the best thing that I could have done. I am not the same person at all. The person who worried. Who controlled. Who followed all the rules. She is gone. I am responsible for T and myself. No one else. Nothing else. I am way more relaxed. I am making changes, ones that are good for me. Exercising. Eating well. I am not sure how it could get any better. Well I can but that is a long conversation for another time.
Now let us fast forward to today’s episode on ‘Can Jay keep her cool?’
First Act: Regular customer is getting ready to pay for his groceries. Pays the same way all the time. I told him the total and hit debit and told him to go ahead and insert. He looked at me sheepishly and said: I’m sorry, I stuck it in too early.’ I bit my tongue so hard to keep from laughing out loud.
Second Act: A lady stops in front of the counter. I ask her how I can help her. This is the following conversation.
‘How can I help you today?’
‘I want a ticket.’
‘What type of ticket are you wanting?’
‘A scratch ticket.’
‘What type of scratch ticket?’
‘I guess they are all scratch tickets aren’t they?’
I could only stand and stare at her.
‘I think I will take a crossword because I like words.’
Third Act: Phone is ringing and I answer it. I do my spiel ‘Thank you for calling blah blah blah blah. How may I help you?’
‘I need a price check.’
‘Okay, on what?’
***To save on space and too boring I will give a synopsis.***
The customer had been in our store and made a purchase for her neighbor of cream. Now when she got home, there was no cream. But she paid for it. And the cashier had given her back change. $15-16. I check with the cashier and no, cream was not left behind. Ask customer if she has her receipt and am told no.
‘M’aam, maybe you were not even charged for it.’
‘But I was. I gave her a $20 and she gave me back change. I just need to know the price so I can charge my neighbor.’
‘But you don’t have the cream?’ (Yes I realize none of my business.)
‘But I paid for it and now she needs to pay me back,’
I go and check for her and come back to phone.
‘Good so $4.00 I will charge her.’
She than hung up. Did not even ask me how we were going to fix this. Was so intent on getting her price that the fact she did not have the product seemed to have flown out the window. I would have loved to be a fly on that wall.
‘Yes Doris? You owe me $4.00.’
‘Where’s my cream?’
‘Well it never made it home with me. You still owe me $4.00 though for the cream.’
And so on and so forth. Shaking my head.
Act Four: Answering the phone, giving my spiel and realizing that a) there was no one there and b) the phone had not even rung. Thank goodness I have a great sense of humor with myself and laughed hard.
These are the type of days I have. They make great fodder for the imagination. Today’s though, they were too special to keep to myself. I love talking to people, and while there are those who would prefer to remain silent, the majority like to talk. Which leads me to this gem.
I was checking through a little old lady. She was about 90/92 I believe, she did tell me so that is how I know that it was in the 90’s. We were chatting away and I was explaining to her that sometimes I talk so much (shocker there) that I am not aware of what I am doing.
Case in point: I was chatting away with my customer and trying to scan a product. I kept moving it back and forth and finally looked down to see why I was not getting a beep. Well, it only works when you scan it with the laser, not over the deactivator. The customer and I roared.
By the time I was done, my little old lady was laughing so hard. I handed her back her change and wished her a good day.
She said to me: ‘You are good for my heart and soul. Thank you for making me laugh today.’
And that folks is how I am leaving it. I am good for the heart and soul.
So…….this will be causing some confusion for my most recent followers and those who journeyed with me for awhile are probably thinking ‘um what did she do now?’ It is well known that I fly all over the place and have the strangest thoughts and feelings. This though, this needed to be done.
I crashed hard this passed Winter. I will not reiterate all I went through, for those who would like to know there are multiple blogs written and posted under Depression. I had a drug addiction problem, I was depressed. I did not believe in myself and it all came to a head when I took 30+ pills on December 23rd.
For three months, I did not work. At a job. I worked at myself. Hard. I looked at what caused me to do this. I looked at what I needed to do to make sure that it never happened again. I looked at my life. At what I wanted and needed to do.
T is my number one priority. And being in charge at work left me little time for him. Even when we were together I was always thinking about what had to be done, how it could be done. Staff issues. You name it, I dealt with it. I was short changing him.
My writing. This is my passion. This is what I am meant to do. I have known since I was 6 years old, if not sooner, that I wanted to be a writer. And than life got in the way. I need to reclaim that.
My mental health. While not all issues were work related, my need to appease male authority figures and be perfect related to my past, but I was projecting it forward. And it was killing me.
When I went back I went back with an open mind. No responsibility. See how things went. And you know what? I loved it. The not being responsible part. The not having to manage people. Or follow up with issues. Or making sure this, that and the next thing were done. I go to work, I work, and I come home. With energy for T and my own desires. Hmmmmmmmmmm……..
The last couple of days, my blood pressure has been elevated. I have been playing scene after scene over in my head about telling my boss I was stepping down. And I knew it had to be now. There was no more waiting. I was making myself ill and irritable because I thought I needed to wait. I didn’t.
I discussed this all with T before hand. Some might think what the heck? Talking to a 9 3/4 year old and asking his opinion? Hell ya! This is his life being affected too and I think that as parents we sometimes forget that. I explained to him that my stepping down meant time in morning but would have to work a little later in evening. He looked at me and said, ‘mom I want more time.’ That decided me right than and there.
Let’s get back on track. Today I went to my boss and asked if he had time for me. Finally around 4ish or so he did. I went to his office and while I teared up a little I explained I needed to step aside. T needs me more and that is what matters. The picture at the very top is me right after I gave my notice of stepping down. The second one is of me this evening after I have told everyone I know that I had done it.
There are a few who think that I am going to regret this but they are wrong. T, my mental health and my writing, that is what is important now.
I finally did it! I finally put not only T but myself first and damn but does it feel amazing.
rippling and folding
into every part of me.
chains of horror
around my soul.
my bemused mind
as I let go.
I now understand the root of my addiction.
I feel too much. I love too much. I give too much.
And when it falls,
when beneath the burden of my too muchness
that backlash of pain is overwhelming.
I recall now
the tears, the rage, the everything
that comes from this all absorbing pain of…..
Not being enough.
Not believing enough.
From loving too much.
From giving everything.
From my own fantasies.
Silly girl that I can be.
Yet as I stand within this maelstrom of sorrow
I begin to understand my strength.
I do love.
I do give.
I do feel.
I do not need to hide from these emotions.
For within them is the true me
the girl who still dances with butterflies
and loves with all her heart.
The woman who can finally accept
the joy that comes from giving her all
rather than fights it.
***Inspiration for this came out of a conversation with a friend who had sent my the lyrics to the song that ends Pink Floyd’s The Wall. I have never listened to it, well I have but never paid attention to the lyrics. As we messaged back and forth and the album was explained to me the words just began to flow.***
I once was a woman who was lost
stumbling through the darkness
wrapped in shadows and vines
unable to break free from the morass.
Paths shrouded in mystery
pain, despair, hunger and thirst
as I clawed my way forward
thorns scratching at my sides.
A crown of brambles sits low upon my brow
pricking the fine skin
trails of blood smear along my face
tears that I can no longer cry.
When sunlight does finally appear
driving away the gloom
the malaise I have suffered
I gasp in the clean fresh air
and am healed again.
***Picture is mine taken August 29/17***
What should I do
when I see you?
For in your embrace I have found
warmth and delight,
a home which I hold onto so tight
for finally can I believe in love.
In sunshine and dance steps
on the flat of the beach
as warm water nibbles at our toes.
In laughter and desire
all rolled into one
as we cuddle before the fire.
I can release the darkness
that forever I have carried
and embrace the joy that I have found.