Waste/Safe Land

***This poem is a continuation from River Styx and Desert Red
Travelling the desert
a hundred days
I felt sand
scouring
flaying
devouring
flesh from my bones
molding
forming
another me.
Peddlar man
quiet
plodding along
but inherently
seeking oasis after oasis
as I needed rest.
he refused to answer
any
all
cajoling
questions.
Shaking his head
not in annoyance
more like a parent indulging their child.
We crested that last sandhill
my mouth fell open
a silent o
as before us
spread out
a verdant sea
tears spilling down my face.
Sept. 15/18
Photo by Robert Lukeman on Unsplash
Advertisements

Heart & Soul

Today’s episode of ‘Let’s see if Jay can keep her cool…..’ is brought to you by…..me!

It has been awhile (okay a long time) since I have given an update as to what is going on with me and T.

The end of the year was difficult for T and I. We had a lot of rough mornings, yelling and screaming and that was just me. He ranted and cried and refused to leave the house. We have to find a balance for next year as I am just so unprepared to deal with this. As well, he is going to soon out weigh me so it will be harder to push him out the door. 🙂 The last time we battled, I ended up grabbing him by the back of the neck and frog marching him into the bathroom. Than dragged him out by his arm. All while he screamed ‘stop hurting me, you’re hurting me.’ This lead to a serious discussion on the way to school let me tell you.

Now for braggy mom to come out. T sailed onto Grade 5. With flying colors. My son is a mostly A student with a couple of B’s thrown in there. The subjects that were the lower grades, well not the ones that he found to be all that enjoyable. What I need to enforce this summer is reading so that he will be going into Grade 5 on par with his peers.

Me time, me time! I have been doing awesome. I am happy. I am confident. Yes, no doubt there are days when I have a little let down but they never last long. I am setting goals for myself and although I have yet to begin working on a single one, I have them. Work is going so amazing.

Stepping down absolutely was the best thing that I could have done. I am not the same person at all. The person who worried. Who controlled. Who followed all the rules. She is gone. I am responsible for T and myself. No one else. Nothing else. I am way more relaxed. I am making changes, ones that are good for me. Exercising. Eating well. I am not sure how it could get any better. Well I can but that is a long conversation for another time.

Now let us fast forward to today’s episode on ‘Can Jay keep her cool?’

First Act: Regular customer is getting ready to pay for his groceries. Pays the same way all the time. I told him the total and hit debit and told him to go ahead and insert. He looked at me sheepishly and said: I’m sorry, I stuck it in too early.’ I bit my tongue so hard to keep from laughing out loud.

Second Act: A lady stops in front of the counter. I ask her how I can help her. This is the following conversation.

‘How can I help you today?’

‘I want a ticket.’

‘What type of ticket are you wanting?’

‘A scratch ticket.’

‘What type of scratch ticket?’

‘I guess they are all scratch tickets aren’t they?’

I could only stand and stare at her.

‘I think I will take a crossword because I like words.’

Third Act: Phone is ringing and I answer it. I do my spiel ‘Thank you for calling blah blah blah blah. How may I help you?’

‘I need a price check.’

‘Okay, on what?’

***To save on space and too boring I will give a synopsis.***

The customer had been in our store and made a purchase for her neighbor of cream. Now when she got home, there was no cream. But she paid for it. And the cashier had given her back change. $15-16. I check with the cashier and no, cream was not left behind. Ask customer if she has her receipt and am told no.

‘M’aam, maybe you were not even charged for it.’

‘But I was. I gave her a $20 and she gave me back change. I just need to know the price so I can charge my neighbor.’

‘But you don’t have the cream?’ (Yes I realize none of my business.)

‘But I paid for it and now she needs to pay me back,’

I go and check for her and come back to phone.

‘$3.99.’

‘Good so $4.00 I will charge her.’

She than hung up. Did not even ask me how we were going to fix this. Was so intent on getting her price that the fact she did not have the product seemed to have flown out the window. I would have loved to be a fly on that wall.

‘Yes Doris? You owe me $4.00.’

‘Where’s my cream?’

‘Well it never made it home with me. You still owe me $4.00 though for the cream.’

And so on and so forth. Shaking my head.

Act Four: Answering the phone, giving my spiel and realizing that a) there was no one there and b) the phone had not even rung. Thank goodness I have a great sense of humor with myself and laughed hard.

These are the type of days I have. They make great fodder for the imagination. Today’s though, they were too special to keep to myself. I love talking to people, and while there are those who would prefer to remain silent, the majority like to talk. Which leads me to this gem.

I was checking through a little old lady. She was about 90/92 I believe, she did tell me so that is how I know that it was in the 90’s. We were chatting away and I was explaining to her that sometimes I talk so much (shocker there) that I am not aware of what I am doing.

Case in point: I was chatting away with my customer and trying to scan a product. I kept moving it back and forth and finally looked down to see why I was not getting a beep. Well, it only works when you scan it with the laser, not over the deactivator. The customer and I roared.

By the time I was done, my little old lady was laughing so hard. I handed her back her change and wished her a good day.

She said to me: ‘You are good for my heart and soul. Thank you for making me laugh today.’

And that folks is how I am leaving it. I am good for the heart and soul.

I did it!!!!

img_20180524_2021272738248193699032543.jpg

So…….this will be causing some confusion for my most recent followers and those who journeyed with me for awhile are probably thinking ‘um what did she do now?’ It is well known that I fly all over the place and have the strangest thoughts and feelings. This though, this needed to be done.

I crashed hard this passed Winter. I will not reiterate all I went through, for those who would like to know there are multiple blogs written and posted under Depression. I had a drug addiction problem, I was depressed. I did not believe in myself and it all came to a head when I took 30+ pills on December 23rd.

For three months, I did not work. At a job. I worked at myself. Hard. I looked at what caused me to do this. I looked at what I needed to do to make sure that it never happened again. I looked at my life. At what I wanted and needed to do.

T is my number one priority. And being in charge at work left me little time for him. Even when we were together I was always thinking about what had to be done, how it could be done. Staff issues. You name it, I dealt with it. I was short changing him.

My writing. This is my passion. This is what I am meant to do. I have known since I was 6 years old, if not sooner, that I wanted to be a writer. And than life got in the way. I need to reclaim that.

My mental health. While not all issues were work related, my need to appease male authority figures and be perfect related to my past, but I was projecting it forward. And it was killing me.

When I went back I went back with an open mind. No responsibility. See how things went. And you know what? I loved it. The not being responsible part. The not having to manage people. Or follow up with issues. Or making sure this, that and the next thing were done. I go to work, I work, and I come home. With energy for T and my own desires. Hmmmmmmmmmm……..

The last couple of days, my blood pressure has been elevated. I have been playing scene after scene over in my head about telling my boss I was stepping down. And I knew it had to be now. There was no more waiting. I was making myself ill and irritable because I thought I needed to wait. I didn’t.

I discussed this all with T before hand. Some might think what the heck? Talking to a 9 3/4 year old and asking his opinion? Hell ya! This is his life being affected too and I think that as parents we sometimes forget that. I explained to him that my stepping down meant time in morning but would have to work a little later in evening. He looked at me and said, ‘mom I want more time.’ That decided me right than and there.

Let’s get back on track. Today I went to my boss and asked if he had time for me. Finally around 4ish or so he did. I went to his office and while I teared up a little I explained I needed to step aside. T needs me more and that is what matters. The picture at the very top is me right after I gave my notice of stepping down. The second one is of me this evening after I have told everyone I know that I had done it.

There are a few who think that I am going to regret this but they are wrong. T, my mental health and my writing, that is what is important now.

I finally did it! I finally put not only T but myself first and damn but does it feel amazing.

 

 

A Year in Review Part I

Yesterday was December 9th. A year ago I quit smoking. At the time I was deep in the grips of a depressive episode that I would not seek medical attention for until February 2017. I was still drinking heavily and my body was trying to get my attention in so many ways, to alert me to the fact that there was something very very wrong with me. I was sluggish. Unhappy. Smoking like a chimney. T was unhappy. My work was suffering. I was getting cold after cold. My body screaming for me to realize what was going on. My brain though, so adept at pretending that I am not depressed, continued to delude me that all was fine. I would just consume more alcohol. I would watch television all the time. My home was not as clean as it is now. I was not cleaning the cat litter daily.
I had fallen on the Tuesday evening. Ended up giving myself whip lash. On Thursday I was in so much pain that I went to the Quick Care Clinic. Learned that I was going to have to take a few days to let it heal so I could do my job. And than they took my blood pressure. 160/95. My heart stopped beating for a second as I went omfg what is going on? And than and there I decided that as soon as I finished my last pack that that was it, I was quitting. Did I maybe drag it out a little? Yes. But I smoked my last cigarette on the eve of December 8th and woke up on December 9th a nonsmoker. I used the patch. For two weeks. The two weeks running up to Christmas.
I was still drinking. But I did not light a cigarette. I may have been a little snappish. I cried when I was at home alone, a lot. Day by day I went, and I worked and I moved away from the lure of nicoteine. After Christmas, I worked a few days and had a seven day break. During this time, I did not wear my patch as I did not go anywhere. T and me we hung out and really did nothing much. And the first day back to work, I forgot to put my patch on. I worried that I was going to have the urge but I did not. I think the realization that I was heading directly for a stroke, which are prevelant in my family, made me sit up and take notice.
Plus there is T. I want to be here to see him become a young man. I want to see his dreams come true. I want to see him fall in love and have a life he loves. Would I like grandchildren I am sure I will but at the moment I want to enjoy this time with him.
When I was 14 years old, I went through a bout of depression that lead to me trying to hurt myself. Turns out that there are two things that kept me alive at that time. 1) I have a really wicked imagination. And all I could see in my mind’s eye was my mom and my brother standing over my grave while my coffin was lowered into it, crying and asking each other why. My brother was 7 years old and like hell was I going to traumatize him like that. I was suppose to protect him from pain and not cause it. And my mom did not deserve that heartache no matter how mad I was with her. How I thought that she could not understand me. 2) I am the world’s biggest wimp, omfg! It hurt, it hurt more than the pain and rage inside of me. And I did not even cut myself that deeply.
Flash forward, here I am, 44 years old, 30 years later and I had a choice to make. And I chose to quit smoking. I chose my love for T and my desire to be here for as long as I can.
During this time period K3 began to harrangue me about writing. That I needed to start a blog and how awesome it was. I hemmed and hawed about it before I decided to check it out.
I began writing about myself and T. As I began to come out of my depression, I wrote about that and my anxiety. I relearned how to be happy. The worst of it, was how much it hurt to realize that it had been so long since I had been happy that I was actually a little frightened of it. I began to write and share my poetry. And it has been wonderful.
I entitled this A Year in Review but this is only the first part. I am thankful for the journey that began a year ago, a journey that I look forward to with a joy and eagerness that sometimes catches me by surprise. I need to put it into perspective for myself before sharing.
Most of all, I am thankful for all of you who have decided you like my quirks and writings,  I appreciate all of you. And I hope you enjoy this journey along with me as much as I am.

Pain & Joy

Pain

rippling and folding

into every part of me.

Wrapping

chains of horror

around my soul.

Warping

my bemused mind

as I let go.

I now understand the root of my addiction.

I feel too much. I love too much. I give too much.

And when it falls,

when beneath the burden of my too muchness

it disintegrates,

that backlash of pain is overwhelming.

I recall now

the tears, the rage, the everything

that comes from this all absorbing pain of…..

Failure.

Not being enough.

Not believing enough.

From loving too much.

From giving everything.

From my own fantasies.

Silly girl that I can be.

Yet as I stand within this maelstrom of sorrow

I begin to understand my strength.

I do love.

I do give.

I do feel.

I do not need to hide from these emotions.

For within them is the true me

the girl who still dances with butterflies

and loves with all her heart.

The woman who can finally accept

the joy that comes from giving her all

and embraces,

rather than fights it.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Oct. 30/17

 

Lost

***Inspiration for this came out of a conversation with a friend who had sent my the lyrics to the song that ends Pink Floyd’s The Wall. I have never listened to it, well I have but never paid attention to the lyrics. As we messaged back and forth and the album was explained to me the words just began to flow.***

I once was a woman who was lost

stumbling through the darkness

wrapped in shadows and vines

unable to break free from the morass.

Paths shrouded in mystery

pain, despair, hunger and thirst

as I clawed my way forward

thorns scratching at my sides.

A crown of brambles sits low upon my brow

pricking the fine skin

trails of blood smear along my face

tears that I can no longer cry.

When sunlight does finally appear

driving away the gloom

the fog

the malaise I have suffered

I gasp in the clean fresh air

and am healed again.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

September 24/17

 

Joy

***Picture is mine taken August 29/17***

What should I do

when I see you?

For in your embrace I have found

warmth and delight,

a home which I hold onto so tight

for finally can I believe in love.

In sunshine and dance steps

on the flat of the beach

as warm water nibbles at our toes.

In laughter and desire

all rolled into one

as we cuddle before the fire.

Finally,

I can release the darkness

that forever I have carried

and embrace the joy that I have found.

 

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

September 24/17