Blessings……

So many facets
so many needs
all wrapped up in one package
that defies understanding.
But do I need you to understand
if I am being me?
Babygirl 
sweet
sassy
crawls for Daddy
when made to beg
loves to be cuddled
loves to be held…..
Independent
fiery
take on the world
stand on my own two feet
needing help from no one…..
Mother
strong
loving
teaching right from wrong
watching with delight
as my child grows.
Child
sweet girl
hidden within
she only comes out
when safety is found
most of the time
she does not appear.
Woman
beautiful
emotional
longing for love
longing for companionship
walking this path alone
now and forever more.
How have I integrated 
all these parts of me?
Not easily.
Not without exposing
darkness of self.
Exploring each side.
Exploring each pain.
Each fear
each desire
examined
a lesson
and life goes on…..
I am a better being
for learning myself this way.
©Feb. 2/20
Picture is my own

New Year…..New Me…..New Decade….New Everything

I watched the sun rise
faint pink blush
golden pulses fill the sky
hues of purple
sense of serenity
sense of peace
finally here
in my happy place.
I struggled.
I abused myself.
I tried to hide.
I am not that little girl.
I am not that frightened teenager.
I am not that beaten/destroyed woman.
No longer afraid…..
of what life has to offer.
To dream.
To love.
To chase what I want.
To be me…..
Writer.
Mother.
Daughter.
Sister.
There is more to me
than these four facets…..
there is adoration
there is pride
there is determination…..
I leave behind me
a decade/life time
of pain
of anger/rage
of despair
of thoughts no longer there.
I begin this New Year
this New Decade
strong
beautiful
and solely
100 %
Me.
©Dec. 31/19
Picture is my own

It Might be Me Time

I decided that I was going to do something nice for myself as well as helping out the ex so I took holidays from Dec. 27-Jan 5th. I have never done this. As I said in part was to help ex as it is his week and Tember is still out of school. Well Tember has decided he is going to his best friend’s. Which means I am alone for 7 days.

Which lead me to do some calculations. It has been well over a year since I have been alone for a stretch of time. And I am not sure what to do with myself.

Sure I will enjoy my ability to run around apartment stark naked but that will last all of thirty seconds and I will be freezing.
I can watch what I want. Already do that.
And then I realized…..I am going to have some serious me time. To read. To write. To sleep in? We all know that won’t happen.

It will be my time. To work with myself for myself. Sounds odd but an up coming post will make that statement make sense.

And to run around naked from dusk til dawn…..in my dreams.

Dec. 20/19
Picture is my own. Was burning incense and smoke was hanging in air. Snapped a few shots and played around. I like how it turned out.

New Reality

*****As of Dec. 23rd I am going to have been pill free for two years. Truth is my life began that day. I look forward to continued growth and acceptance of my faults and watch with wonder and excitement as a woman rebuilding herself. My poetry is going to be a reflection of that. I won’t post this every day but I am in count down until my 2 year anniversary. 12 more days to go.*****
Tidal wave
breaking over my head
tossing
tumbling
dragging me down
no where to go
vision clouding
pain
all encompassing
no break
no change
day after day
my heart bleeds.
Challenge is acceptance.
Accepting my faults.
My sorrows.
My past.
Choosing forward march.
Choosing life.
Choosing to let go
to return to the wonder I was
before……
Depression became a way.
Addiction was how I coped.
Love was a chip to barter
body used to in slick desperation
needing to be……
someone I was not.
Someone I could hate
pour all my venom into
making myself murky
compliant
ignoring the truth
because it was easier to deal with.
Time came
climax roared
to its final destination.
Live or die.
My only choices.
I chose to live
for myself
for me…..
©Dec. 11/19
Picture is my own

Mistaken I am not

Count the mistakes
One
Two
Three
I do not have enough fingers
Nor toes
To count all my mistakes
Few are regrettable
Mistakes are how you learn and grow
So embrace them I do
Learn from them I shall
Never
Never ever
Will the regrets pass these lips
For though a lesson in life
When faced with my own idiocy
It is better to forget
Mistakes though
That is life
Throwing you a curve ball
Which leads to a choice:
Catch it or move out of the way.
Always catch
That is my motto
Even if my fingers sting
And tears gather in my eyes
Moving out of the way
That is no longer an option
Mistakes
Sometimes funny
Sometimes sad
Most times fixable
When not
Rumination is deep
Pondering how to learn
Even as my face burns
From embarrassment
No longer am I utterly shamed
By the mistakes I have made
Let’s face it
I’m only 47
There will be a lot more
And when they come
I will grow and learn
For I really enjoy
The person I am becoming.

© Nov. 12/19
Picture is my own

Lost and Found…..Again

It has happened again. I lost myself. Well I did not really loose myself so much as I was ignoring myself.

I suppose it is hard to describe, the ignorance I push. When it was with mom I ran away, stuck my head in the sand, wasted an entire summer because I was ashamed of my behaviour. I had guilt. And I had anger. And it all came to a head. The thing is though it all came down to forgiveness. I forgave mom because I know now that had she known nothing would have stopped her from protecting me. Where once I thought maybe there was a slight knowledge now I know that is not true. So when I say that I need to forgive mom I only mean I needed to let go of my expectations. You cannot expect someone else to act the way you would without having gone through your experience.

This is going to be all over the place. I will probably read once and then post. I need to forgive me. I need to say Jay it is okay.

Last year when things happened I crawled and not for myself. I crawled. I whimpered. I begged. I made believe. I should have packed all my things up and left the first day. But I did not. Am not sure why for when I awoke and recalled that he had cheated, I felt relief. Thank god I dodged that bullet. But I did not want to let go. I can say it is not the man that I was afraid of losing it was how he treated me. And now my realization is sickeningly, it was how my father was. Smarmy. Confident. Sucks you in. Hell now that I look back I should have shut him off after the first time we met.

However and I am not making excuses I was in a raw place. I had finally faced it all. Faced my pain. Faced my rage. Faced the reason why I was slowly killing myself with pills. I was moving into a place of security. A place where I could love myself. But I needed to know that I was lovable.

Problem is I am a fixer. Or was a fixer. In that I want to make it all right for everyone. So I attracted men who needed to be fixed. Hmmmmmm I wonder where that came from. With the knowledge that I have now, I understand. It is not an awesome truth to behold but there it is.

1. Pain and fear are really the controlling emotions.
2. Forgiving oneself is hard to do.
3. Being honest with oneself is the hardest thing you will ever do. You think you are honest? Stop and really look at yourself. Shut down the voice that is always with you. Shut down the preconceived notions and listen. That voice…..the tiny one that is pipping up in the corner, that is the voice that you do not want to face. That is the voice that lays it all out brutally. You have no where to run.
4. There are many outs. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. Food. These do nothing to help. It is an empty hole that cannot be fed.
5. Happiness is a choice. Oh I know how trite that sounds. I know beyond a doubt I have lost at least three quarters of my readers right here. I am a woman who lives with depression. I live in fear that one day I am going to be so far sunk into my depression that I can never return. I am forever analyzing my behaviour. My everything. Do you know that is like? (If you do let me know)
6. As above happiness is something that I can choose. Because happiness is an emotion depression is a disease. Oh my god as I typed that this weight lifted from my shoulders. I can be happy. It is my right to allow myself to be happy. I am not dependent on what others think. I am not dependent on how others see me. I am me. How I see me that is important.
7. It is hard to face myself. To listen. To really hear. I do not want to face how I am. How I have been molded. How I always go after the same type of men. How I would rather place a mask over my face then admit the truth.

I stand in front of the mirror. I look at the woman gazing back. I realize time has come to say: ‘Jay it is okay. So you made a mistake. So you stayed when you know you should have run. You should have packed up that first day but pride made you stay. Woman it is time to let go. Your hurt no longer stems from the act but the wounded pride.’

I am done. I have written what must occur. I have to let it go. I was an idiot. I made a mistake. We all do. Make mistakes I mean. I have unfollwed. I have stopped everything that I see on Facebook. I cannot completely cut him out for without him I would not be at the place I am. However I am now at peace. I have forgiven myself.

©Oct. 13/19
Picture is my own.

No More……

Time
rolls forward
never backward
for if it did
all who regret
who dismay
would want to try to change
the mistakes of their pasts.
Are they truly mistakes?
I don’t know about you
but me
my mistakes
they are what have molded me
what have changed me
what have made me the woman I am…..
Yet I am not only my mistakes.
I am my strength.
I am my dreams.
I am my truth.
My desires.
I am me.
Missing…..
forgotten…..
strength……
truth…..
me…..
A butterfly
erupting from its cocoon
bursting upward
caught within the halestrome
free finally……
Belief is a many faceted thing
when lost
laying broken at ones feet
head hung
tears crying.
No more.
No more loss.
No more grief.
No more……
No more
is my new mantra
positive
freeing
for no more
shall I fall at anyone’s feet
I am my truth
my healing…..
myself.
March 11/19