New Year…..New Me…..New Decade….New Everything

I watched the sun rise
faint pink blush
golden pulses fill the sky
hues of purple
sense of serenity
sense of peace
finally here
in my happy place.
I struggled.
I abused myself.
I tried to hide.
I am not that little girl.
I am not that frightened teenager.
I am not that beaten/destroyed woman.
No longer afraid…..
of what life has to offer.
To dream.
To love.
To chase what I want.
To be me…..
Writer.
Mother.
Daughter.
Sister.
There is more to me
than these four facets…..
there is adoration
there is pride
there is determination…..
I leave behind me
a decade/life time
of pain
of anger/rage
of despair
of thoughts no longer there.
I begin this New Year
this New Decade
strong
beautiful
and solely
100 %
Me.
©Dec. 31/19
Picture is my own

It Might be Me Time

I decided that I was going to do something nice for myself as well as helping out the ex so I took holidays from Dec. 27-Jan 5th. I have never done this. As I said in part was to help ex as it is his week and Tember is still out of school. Well Tember has decided he is going to his best friend’s. Which means I am alone for 7 days.

Which lead me to do some calculations. It has been well over a year since I have been alone for a stretch of time. And I am not sure what to do with myself.

Sure I will enjoy my ability to run around apartment stark naked but that will last all of thirty seconds and I will be freezing.
I can watch what I want. Already do that.
And then I realized…..I am going to have some serious me time. To read. To write. To sleep in? We all know that won’t happen.

It will be my time. To work with myself for myself. Sounds odd but an up coming post will make that statement make sense.

And to run around naked from dusk til dawn…..in my dreams.

Dec. 20/19
Picture is my own. Was burning incense and smoke was hanging in air. Snapped a few shots and played around. I like how it turned out.

New Reality

*****As of Dec. 23rd I am going to have been pill free for two years. Truth is my life began that day. I look forward to continued growth and acceptance of my faults and watch with wonder and excitement as a woman rebuilding herself. My poetry is going to be a reflection of that. I won’t post this every day but I am in count down until my 2 year anniversary. 12 more days to go.*****
Tidal wave
breaking over my head
tossing
tumbling
dragging me down
no where to go
vision clouding
pain
all encompassing
no break
no change
day after day
my heart bleeds.
Challenge is acceptance.
Accepting my faults.
My sorrows.
My past.
Choosing forward march.
Choosing life.
Choosing to let go
to return to the wonder I was
before……
Depression became a way.
Addiction was how I coped.
Love was a chip to barter
body used to in slick desperation
needing to be……
someone I was not.
Someone I could hate
pour all my venom into
making myself murky
compliant
ignoring the truth
because it was easier to deal with.
Time came
climax roared
to its final destination.
Live or die.
My only choices.
I chose to live
for myself
for me…..
©Dec. 11/19
Picture is my own

Mistaken I am not

Count the mistakes
One
Two
Three
I do not have enough fingers
Nor toes
To count all my mistakes
Few are regrettable
Mistakes are how you learn and grow
So embrace them I do
Learn from them I shall
Never
Never ever
Will the regrets pass these lips
For though a lesson in life
When faced with my own idiocy
It is better to forget
Mistakes though
That is life
Throwing you a curve ball
Which leads to a choice:
Catch it or move out of the way.
Always catch
That is my motto
Even if my fingers sting
And tears gather in my eyes
Moving out of the way
That is no longer an option
Mistakes
Sometimes funny
Sometimes sad
Most times fixable
When not
Rumination is deep
Pondering how to learn
Even as my face burns
From embarrassment
No longer am I utterly shamed
By the mistakes I have made
Let’s face it
I’m only 47
There will be a lot more
And when they come
I will grow and learn
For I really enjoy
The person I am becoming.

© Nov. 12/19
Picture is my own

Lost and Found…..Again

It has happened again. I lost myself. Well I did not really loose myself so much as I was ignoring myself.

I suppose it is hard to describe, the ignorance I push. When it was with mom I ran away, stuck my head in the sand, wasted an entire summer because I was ashamed of my behaviour. I had guilt. And I had anger. And it all came to a head. The thing is though it all came down to forgiveness. I forgave mom because I know now that had she known nothing would have stopped her from protecting me. Where once I thought maybe there was a slight knowledge now I know that is not true. So when I say that I need to forgive mom I only mean I needed to let go of my expectations. You cannot expect someone else to act the way you would without having gone through your experience.

This is going to be all over the place. I will probably read once and then post. I need to forgive me. I need to say Jay it is okay.

Last year when things happened I crawled and not for myself. I crawled. I whimpered. I begged. I made believe. I should have packed all my things up and left the first day. But I did not. Am not sure why for when I awoke and recalled that he had cheated, I felt relief. Thank god I dodged that bullet. But I did not want to let go. I can say it is not the man that I was afraid of losing it was how he treated me. And now my realization is sickeningly, it was how my father was. Smarmy. Confident. Sucks you in. Hell now that I look back I should have shut him off after the first time we met.

However and I am not making excuses I was in a raw place. I had finally faced it all. Faced my pain. Faced my rage. Faced the reason why I was slowly killing myself with pills. I was moving into a place of security. A place where I could love myself. But I needed to know that I was lovable.

Problem is I am a fixer. Or was a fixer. In that I want to make it all right for everyone. So I attracted men who needed to be fixed. Hmmmmmm I wonder where that came from. With the knowledge that I have now, I understand. It is not an awesome truth to behold but there it is.

1. Pain and fear are really the controlling emotions.
2. Forgiving oneself is hard to do.
3. Being honest with oneself is the hardest thing you will ever do. You think you are honest? Stop and really look at yourself. Shut down the voice that is always with you. Shut down the preconceived notions and listen. That voice…..the tiny one that is pipping up in the corner, that is the voice that you do not want to face. That is the voice that lays it all out brutally. You have no where to run.
4. There are many outs. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. Food. These do nothing to help. It is an empty hole that cannot be fed.
5. Happiness is a choice. Oh I know how trite that sounds. I know beyond a doubt I have lost at least three quarters of my readers right here. I am a woman who lives with depression. I live in fear that one day I am going to be so far sunk into my depression that I can never return. I am forever analyzing my behaviour. My everything. Do you know that is like? (If you do let me know)
6. As above happiness is something that I can choose. Because happiness is an emotion depression is a disease. Oh my god as I typed that this weight lifted from my shoulders. I can be happy. It is my right to allow myself to be happy. I am not dependent on what others think. I am not dependent on how others see me. I am me. How I see me that is important.
7. It is hard to face myself. To listen. To really hear. I do not want to face how I am. How I have been molded. How I always go after the same type of men. How I would rather place a mask over my face then admit the truth.

I stand in front of the mirror. I look at the woman gazing back. I realize time has come to say: ‘Jay it is okay. So you made a mistake. So you stayed when you know you should have run. You should have packed up that first day but pride made you stay. Woman it is time to let go. Your hurt no longer stems from the act but the wounded pride.’

I am done. I have written what must occur. I have to let it go. I was an idiot. I made a mistake. We all do. Make mistakes I mean. I have unfollwed. I have stopped everything that I see on Facebook. I cannot completely cut him out for without him I would not be at the place I am. However I am now at peace. I have forgiven myself.

©Oct. 13/19
Picture is my own.

No More……

Time
rolls forward
never backward
for if it did
all who regret
who dismay
would want to try to change
the mistakes of their pasts.
Are they truly mistakes?
I don’t know about you
but me
my mistakes
they are what have molded me
what have changed me
what have made me the woman I am…..
Yet I am not only my mistakes.
I am my strength.
I am my dreams.
I am my truth.
My desires.
I am me.
Missing…..
forgotten…..
strength……
truth…..
me…..
A butterfly
erupting from its cocoon
bursting upward
caught within the halestrome
free finally……
Belief is a many faceted thing
when lost
laying broken at ones feet
head hung
tears crying.
No more.
No more loss.
No more grief.
No more……
No more
is my new mantra
positive
freeing
for no more
shall I fall at anyone’s feet
I am my truth
my healing…..
myself.
March 11/19

Saturday January 26/19

T and me are hanging out. On a Saturday night. Okay late afternoon but whatever.
I have been watching (okay binging on) Wentworth. Precursor to Orange is the New Black. That one is next on my watch list. T is extremely interested in the show and well considering all the shit that one can find on Youtube I am not about to block him from watching. And he is watching with me. Sitting on the couch next to me. He has his blanket and favorite pillow. He has settled in for the duration. There are 6 seasons. He is in the living room with me. His Xbox is turned off and shut down. He is sitting here asking me questions.
Last night the Ex and me were texting. It has been decided that the Xbox is no longer going to be welcome at the Ex’s. He liked having T hang out with him and do other things than gaming. I get that. I still have not given him permission to play with his friends and he has not. There is no sneaking. He plays Farming Simulator 2019 and watches Youtube. He plays with his lego. He wants to hang out with me. He wants to hang out with his dad.Thinking that we might have stumbled onto something here.
I am a little afraid though. T is not acting like surly boy. He is being my sweet child. Hanging out with me. Playing with his cars and lego. He put the dishes away while I was washing the others. He is talking to me. Non-stop which I cannot complain about. A) I am a chatterbox and he takes after me. B) He is in the living room hanging out with me.
However as much as he is like me there are aspects of his father coming through. I watched season one by myself. T is coming in on season two. And the questions he is asking. Nonstop. Now we are watching the same episodes together. Therefore I know as much as he does. ‘Mom why is she bleeding?’ ‘Mom what happened to the girl with the foaming mouth?’ ‘Mom……mom……..mom…….’ When the Ex and me were together Sunday was recoup and movie day. Chicken day if we had extra money. We would be watching a movie and he would be asking me questions about what was going on. Seriously? I have watched what you have watched how can I know what is going on? I am not able to foresee what is coming.
T believes he is a comedian. He also thinks that I am funny. Was giving him the mom glare (not really) and he was giggling away. So I did it again. Was told to stop so Lucky would not get off his lap. Lucky has been driving me insane. Always on top of me. I bribed him not to move with getting him a drink of Pepsi. However I decided to do dishes so he had to get up and put away the other dishes. Lucky was not impressed at all with either of us.
T stood at the kitchen sink putting away clean ones as I am washing others. We talked. A lot.
He is not impressed with my reason for liking Canada. I asked him why? I mean I was born here pretty sure I like my country. Maybe not wanting to live in the coldest province in all of Canada but it is my country. He informs me that liking Canada because marijuanna has been legalized is not a reason to like it. Oh boy. Now I am in for it.
We had a discussion about marijuanna. We had a discussion about the fact he is telling his father things about me. He tells me dad does not care. I told him once more that like Vegas…..what happens in my home stays in my home…..what happens in his father’s home stays in his father’s home. He never tells me anything. What am I doing that makes me so interesting to T that he needs to tell his dad?????? Oh and I discovered that he is talking to his friends about us. LOL I mean to be expected right? Getting older and needs people to confide in who are not related to him.
It is funny how many unlearned traits T has. An unlearned trait is something that  is prevelant in your family but you never know how you began to do it. Mine was I use to punch the Ex in the arm when I was proven right/said something funny. He told me not to. Asked me not to. I had no idea where I got this weird thing I did. Until I stayed with mom and grandma when T was premature. Mom had come down asking if grandma had seen her black sheet. She could not find anywhere. Grandma starts to chortle. Says to mom ‘you mean the one you have hanging up to blackout light?’ and than she punched me. In the arm.
Now for T. We are sitting here chatting away when a car pulls up. Our parking spot is 2nd last and visitor parking comes next. We hear the tires crunching over the snow. He is off the couch in a flash and peeking out the blinds. I laughed so hard. Sent mom a message telling her about it. Asked who it reminded her of. First answer was Mrs. Kravitz from Bewitched. (Had to explain that to T) Her second response? Is it someone famous? Me staring incredulously at my phone wtf? Really????? I message back um no you and grandma. Mom came back with: ‘I know that! Uncle and Aunt do too!’ If you knew it why did you not say?????
I realize I have been all over the place here with T’s actions and comments. But truth be told were you sitting next to me on the couch or talking to me on the phone….this would be our conversation. One thing leads to another and while they all make sense in my mind maybe not yours.
Today has been a good day. T has hung with me. T has hung out with me. Really that is all that matters.
Addendum: I allowed T to game 1 hour with his friend tonight. 1 hour. At 3 minutes to the hour I reminded him. Bedroom door slammed shut. Replying to message realize it is 9:19 so I go to tell him to get off. I opened the door and said to him ‘T…..’ realized he was already watching Youtube. Told him I was proud of him for listening to me. He asked me to leave his room. I did after again telling him how proud of him I was. 🙂