A Year in Review Part I

Yesterday was December 9th. A year ago I quit smoking. At the time I was deep in the grips of a depressive episode that I would not seek medical attention for until February 2017. I was still drinking heavily and my body was trying to get my attention in so many ways, to alert me to the fact that there was something very very wrong with me. I was sluggish. Unhappy. Smoking like a chimney. T was unhappy. My work was suffering. I was getting cold after cold. My body screaming for me to realize what was going on. My brain though, so adept at pretending that I am not depressed, continued to delude me that all was fine. I would just consume more alcohol. I would watch television all the time. My home was not as clean as it is now. I was not cleaning the cat litter daily.
I had fallen on the Tuesday evening. Ended up giving myself whip lash. On Thursday I was in so much pain that I went to the Quick Care Clinic. Learned that I was going to have to take a few days to let it heal so I could do my job. And than they took my blood pressure. 160/95. My heart stopped beating for a second as I went omfg what is going on? And than and there I decided that as soon as I finished my last pack that that was it, I was quitting. Did I maybe drag it out a little? Yes. But I smoked my last cigarette on the eve of December 8th and woke up on December 9th a nonsmoker. I used the patch. For two weeks. The two weeks running up to Christmas.
I was still drinking. But I did not light a cigarette. I may have been a little snappish. I cried when I was at home alone, a lot. Day by day I went, and I worked and I moved away from the lure of nicoteine. After Christmas, I worked a few days and had a seven day break. During this time, I did not wear my patch as I did not go anywhere. T and me we hung out and really did nothing much. And the first day back to work, I forgot to put my patch on. I worried that I was going to have the urge but I did not. I think the realization that I was heading directly for a stroke, which are prevelant in my family, made me sit up and take notice.
Plus there is T. I want to be here to see him become a young man. I want to see his dreams come true. I want to see him fall in love and have a life he loves. Would I like grandchildren I am sure I will but at the moment I want to enjoy this time with him.
When I was 14 years old, I went through a bout of depression that lead to me trying to hurt myself. Turns out that there are two things that kept me alive at that time. 1) I have a really wicked imagination. And all I could see in my mind’s eye was my mom and my brother standing over my grave while my coffin was lowered into it, crying and asking each other why. My brother was 7 years old and like hell was I going to traumatize him like that. I was suppose to protect him from pain and not cause it. And my mom did not deserve that heartache no matter how mad I was with her. How I thought that she could not understand me. 2) I am the world’s biggest wimp, omfg! It hurt, it hurt more than the pain and rage inside of me. And I did not even cut myself that deeply.
Flash forward, here I am, 44 years old, 30 years later and I had a choice to make. And I chose to quit smoking. I chose my love for T and my desire to be here for as long as I can.
During this time period K3 began to harrangue me about writing. That I needed to start a blog and how awesome it was. I hemmed and hawed about it before I decided to check it out.
I began writing about myself and T. As I began to come out of my depression, I wrote about that and my anxiety. I relearned how to be happy. The worst of it, was how much it hurt to realize that it had been so long since I had been happy that I was actually a little frightened of it. I began to write and share my poetry. And it has been wonderful.
I entitled this A Year in Review but this is only the first part. I am thankful for the journey that began a year ago, a journey that I look forward to with a joy and eagerness that sometimes catches me by surprise. I need to put it into perspective for myself before sharing.
Most of all, I am thankful for all of you who have decided you like my quirks and writings,  I appreciate all of you. And I hope you enjoy this journey along with me as much as I am.
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My True Career

This is not truly a conversation with myself but a friend this morning. We were talking about my post from last evening and he was congratulating me on how I had handled the situation. That most would have shied away from touching on such a difficult subject with a prepubescent child.

I responded with:

There was no point in pulling any punches. With all that kids these days are seeing, hearing, watching and reading, how so much violence and pain is sensationalized and we become inured to it. I will not be party to making my child complacent. He needs to be horrified by violence, pained by the trials of the world that we are living in. (I added in a little more to clarify and paint a picture of what I meant)

It is my job to show him that the world is not always going to be kind but his kindness and his goodness will make a difference.

That is my job as his mom.

 

 

Relationship Goals

 

Relationship goals:

  1. Find a guy who makes me laugh.
  2. Find a guy who talks to me.
  3. Find a guy who listens.
  4. Find a guy who respects me.
  5. Find a guy who encourages me in my hobbies even when he does not understand them.
  6. Find a guy who encourages my passion(s).
  7. Find a guy who when I impose limits; accepts them without arguing.
  8. Find a guy who will hug me when I am sad.
  9. Find a guy who will celebrate my successes and failures. (Failures lead to future successes)
  10. Find a guy who will hold me while I ugly cry, barf into a bucket, or any other issue that makes me feel like shit.

These are my goals. Not for everyone I know. And really folks I used the term guy because I like men. These rules can apply every which way. (Except children and animals but that really should not need to be stated.)

This is a pretty steep set of goals a man must face if he wants to move beyond the friend zone with me. However I know what my worth is now. After years of setting my wants and needs to the side, I now realize where I stand.

And if my frog never arrives to be kissed, reverting to said Prince status, I will still live my life to the fullest, inspired and loved by those who do find their way into this story of mine.

 

Method to my madness part 2….

Procrastination. Avoiding doing a task that needs to be accomplished. And today I did a very good job of procrastinating. 

If y’all recall I was going to clean house today. And I did. For 8 hours. With a brief stop to drive T  to his dad’s. And to eat. 

I (with T’s help) moved my bed around making my room look larger. Moved in the one bookcase and it works fine. Got rid of the small bedside table I had and moved my amma’s table my grandfather had refinished so history into my room. 

Moved the living room around. T.V. now moved over and was able to repurpose old bedside table as a stand for the tower. I did run into a wee problem when after unplugging and untangling all the wires for the computer I could not get the speakers to work. Resolved by a friend who told me to see if they had been muted. They had been.

The living room looks bigger as does the kitchen now that the table is in my room. 

I ache. I utilized more of my storage space. I hung up a few items that I have had sorta floating around. And once more a tiny step into my world….the one I deserve and have earned. 😊

Method to my Madness

I have decided that rather than being a hibernating, unmoving lump on the couch this winter, that I will give myself a project. One that I need to get done but admit to being rather daunted by.

I am also the Queen of Procrastination now that my grandma has gone to the great coffee shop in the sky, and I will find a multitude of ways in which to delay said project.

  1. I will move all my furniture, vacuum and reorganize the living room set up. Exactly the same way that it is now because well I have a baseboard heater and my internet cable runs through a small hole in the wall and I cannot move the table from there as the computer is on it. (I am old fashioned, still have a desktop. Mom is more up to date than me with her laptop.)
  2. I will strip and remake my bed despite having only done that a few days ago.
  3. I will stand in front of my closet, scratching my head and staring at the clothing that hangs in there. There is nothing to purge as I did that a few weeks back.
  4. I will clean the bathroom. Not as horrid as it sounds, but not a wonderful job. Especially since I have a 9 year old boy who loves to pee all over the toilet. Seriously how hard is it to aim? You just point and pee? No?
  5. I will stick my head into T’s room and retreat. I have him keeping it tidy, he is dealing with his clothes his way and I can see the floor. I do not need to venture into the Den of 9 year old boy smells and I don’t even want to know what those are.
  6. I will move my books from one book case to the other.
  7. Move all the knick knacks from one bookshelf to another.
  8. Rearrange books and knick knacks so I can take one bookcase and repurpose it into a shelving unit for clothing in my bedroom! Wohoooooooooo I am smrt!
  9. Drag bookshelf to bedroom and rearrange clothing to my liking.
  10. Drag t.v. from my room into the storage closet. I am tired of sharing space with it.
  11. Hmmmmmmmm okay, oh wait, wait, let us see who has messaged me in the last little bit while I had my music blaring and doing my amazing reorganization of the house whilst not procrastinating.

This will take me all of today. That leaves me with another 4 months of winter to try and procrastinate through. But now I cannot. For I have a plan. A gigantic totally makes no sense but it will motivate the hell out of me. I am announcing it to the world. LOL okay, so really only to those of you who read my blog and family and friends who don’t. Or don’t admit to anyways.

I have a lot of poetry. Not my early stuff that we all know in a dumbass moment of who knows what, I burned, but there is a lot of it floating around my apartment. Stuffed away in coiled books. I have poetry as well sitting in my email that I have written over the last three years. Than there are all the poems that I have written and posted here.

It is a lot. And I need to streamline and organize it all. For myself and because I am going to start to put together a body of work and well………I am not going to get ahead of myself. Suffice it to say that the main body of my winter project is getting all my poetry in one place and organized into categories. Once that is done I can look to where I want to go from there.

So, yeah me, not being slothful and being held accountable by well myself. For having told y’all means that I cannot slip it off to the side. Now I actually have to do it. After all there really is a method to my madness. 🙂

Are we in love?2

Are we in love?

Every day I ask myself this
as I look at your picture.

Are we in love?

What I feel,
it sits on the back shelf
dusty and tired
like an antique candlestick;
as everyone forgets how it lead the way.
Burnished bright,
it longs to shine
but I cannot bring it forth
for I cannot make a claim
at this time.
My heart it has been attacked
time and time again
until never shall I allow it free
for fear of the pain it will bring to me.
I love you.
I adore you.
But the words will not be spoken.
Not from my lips
to your ears,
for I could not shoulder dark desolation
when you did not return the favor.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen
November 9/17

Winter’s Embrace

I have come so far
on feet of ice
and with heart
encased.

So tired of this burden.
I want to put it down
to rest for but a moment
before I continue forward.

I am afraid of you
afraid of what you offer.
For once before I sought comfort
only to be turned away.

How can you hold your hand out?
You know nothing of my past.
Nothing of pain,
the likes of which I carry.

I wish I could trust
I wish I could know
if what you offered
would melt my heart and soul?

I want to feel spring’s caress.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen
November 7/17