Yesterday I took T to his dad’s and stayed to have supper with him, L (his fiancee for those who have forgotten), the boys and the ex-in-laws. It was a very nice visit. As I listened to the plans L had for their new home they are growing together I felt a moment of envy.
I look around at all the things the Ex has done with L. I look at the home that they made together. And I realize it makes me sad that we did not have the same time of relationship. We coasted together and that is why we are now ex’s.
But as I looked around, and that moment pierced my heart, it was followed immediately with ‘I am so happy the the Ex has found someone who makes him happy and wants/enjoys the same things that he does.’ I truly am.
This morning I was sitting on the couch having coffee when the ‘commercial’ on Prime for Thirteen Lives came on. I have seen this promo many times so as I was watching imagine my surprise when I started to cry. I glanced over the wall of butterflies with my wolves and Northern Lights. With my Sunset over the pier (picture not mine it was purchased from a photography at Matlock Beach-cannot remember name) and this thought went through my head:
I am finally getting the life I want.
I have been a daughter. A sister. A girl friend. A wife. A mother. A friend. An Employee.
I burst into hard tears and even as I write this I am crying.
I lost myself in all these identities to run from who I was. Using drugs. Using alcohol. All to run. Run. Run.
I am no longer running.
I am embracing who I am. Crazy. Wild. Loving. A child of nature. A woman of Summer. Rebirth at spring. The casual death of fall. The deep slumber of winter. They are all parts of me that I am discovering. Integrating. And who will come out in the end?
Stick around another 40 years to find out. 🙂