It’s My Life

Had to move to opposite wall as tapestry did not fit with the wire there. Did not shrink smaller so you can kinda picture with the butterflies.

Yesterday I took T to his dad’s and stayed to have supper with him, L (his fiancee for those who have forgotten), the boys and the ex-in-laws. It was a very nice visit. As I listened to the plans L had for their new home they are growing together I felt a moment of envy.

I look around at all the things the Ex has done with L. I look at the home that they made together. And I realize it makes me sad that we did not have the same time of relationship. We coasted together and that is why we are now ex’s.

But as I looked around, and that moment pierced my heart, it was followed immediately with ‘I am so happy the the Ex has found someone who makes him happy and wants/enjoys the same things that he does.’ I truly am.

This morning I was sitting on the couch having coffee when the ‘commercial’ on Prime for Thirteen Lives came on. I have seen this promo many times so as I was watching imagine my surprise when I started to cry. I glanced over the wall of butterflies with my wolves and Northern Lights. With my Sunset over the pier (picture not mine it was purchased from a photography at Matlock Beach-cannot remember name) and this thought went through my head:

I am finally getting the life I want.

I have been a daughter. A sister. A girl friend. A wife. A mother. A friend. An Employee.

I burst into hard tears and even as I write this I am crying.

I lost myself in all these identities to run from who I was. Using drugs. Using alcohol. All to run. Run. Run.

I am no longer running.

I am embracing who I am. Crazy. Wild. Loving. A child of nature. A woman of Summer. Rebirth at spring. The casual death of fall. The deep slumber of winter. They are all parts of me that I am discovering. Integrating. And who will come out in the end?

Stick around another 40 years to find out. 🙂

Sept. 3/22

35.5 Hours to Go

Tomorrow is a big day. For me. It is total change of the guard for me.

At 8:05 p.m. Monday evening I will enter my 5th decade of life.

I am turning 50 and have to say that it is a real struggle. As much as I love my birthday I am having some real issues this year.

Not sure as to what if anything T has planned. The Ex has gotten me a gift card for Amazon so will be making some purchases. Other than that mom is at the lake with the uncle who hates me so will not hear from her until late as he will ensure that they do not arrive home early enough. And yes mom he does hate me look at his behaviour towards me and you will also see it.

Happy Birthday to me.

Aug. 28/22

Aug. 29 @ 8:05 p.m. I really will be 50.