Help?

Can you help me?
I need to excise these feelings.
I need to eradicate this love.
I need to eliminate my heart
will you show me how?
Like ‘Insensitive’
that song keeps playing in my mind
I wonder was I to pass the time?
Many a morning
an evening too
I watched you grow smaller
in the rear view.
Had I known
the last time there
would be my last
I would have savored the moment more
those few precious seconds
I was wrapped in your arms.
Ties that bind
shaking my head
to clear
memories I still hold dear
remembrances of your scent
the heavy feel of your arm pulling me close
as my head rested
listening to your heartbeat.
That steady thrum
helped me to sleep
many a night
when monsters tortured my dreams.
Now alone
the monsters are free to roam
there is no protector
no white knight
saving me
with a vicious uppercut
and double edged sword.
Please…..
fight for me
slay dragons for me
keep me safe
why do we run
when really we both need to be?
Speak clear
tell me true
should I get over you?
I cannot.
I know….
I know that I am building a fantasy
but
never have you told me not to.
All I want to know
all I need to know
is…….
do you love me still?
 
January 17/19
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Untitled Poem Daily Word #14

I am not even sure what to say.
I do not want to feel this way.
Believe me I am not trying to lay more on your plate
I honestly just need you to understand.
Love
trust
I believed in you
I wanted you
want you
when you told me you loved me
I wonder
did you mean true?
I cannot let the images go
tears
a constant pressure behind my eyes
all I want
is to be back in your arms.
Oh my god
I cannot stop
I cry every night
because I miss you so
whether or not you miss me
I still do not know.
At first I thought it was an obsession
but it is not
for images of you strike me
memories of us
lay me bare
I am sorry
I love you so
forgive me please
I am trying to let you go.
I do not want to.
I know I have to.
This intricate dance we do
one step forward
three back
is a seduction of the mind
of the senses.
Do you know
how little it would take
on your behalf
to make me stay?
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you……
I will miss you until the end.
January 16/19

Untitled Poem Daily Word #13

Let me lay
in your arms
one more time
before we say good-bye….
I promise
I won’t cry.
I long for you.
I compare others to you.
I am just a fool.
I watch the crowd pass before me
eyes searching
for the one who is not there.
I listen to the traffic outside my window
wishing it was you I could hear.
I know
(shoulder shrug)
you do not want me…..
damn maybe you do…..
we do not know
how to restart again.
There is no plan
no design
I would like to know
is there a possibility?
I suppose
if you did
(have a plan)
you would reach out
on bended knee
begging me please
not to walk away from you.
Alas
this fantasy I see
this love that I feel
is it the same for you?
I am so sorry.
I cry.
I shudder
sobs tearing through me.
I am on my knees
making you uncomfortable
because…..
I make you feel.
I make you miss
the love we shared.
Time….. 
slow moving
fast moving
ebbing away. 
I need to know
so I can finally let go
if it is never meant to be.
January 15/19

Ignore

Dreams of you……
I rose with tears in my eyes
pillow soaked 
for images I was sure I had buried
are raging through my head.
I want to be so angry.
I want to scream
rail
storm
revile you to all I know
but I cannot.
I want to hide.
Memories
strong 
good
us together
dance passed.
Cowering behind the door
hiding from the monsters of our past
I cannot go on.
I cannot….. 
I cannot…..
I cannot…..
Summer’s sweet blush
a love once true
that could have been us.
Heart wrecked
shredded 
torn
destroyed 
in one callous act.
Today I wish I could say goodbye.
Instead 
a physical ache
grips my body tight
wracking me
shattering my bones
while I scream at the night.
Everyone wonders
why I cannot let go
why I still love you so.
How do I explain
that you relit the passion
that had been missing from my life?
I miss your arms.
I have forgotten the taste of your lips.
When next you see me
gaze upon me fondly
quietly ignoring the tears.
January 14/19
Photo by Meghan Holmes on Unsplash

Untitled Relationship Poem #4

Sadness.
Inevitable.
A cloak of darkness
a mantle
blankets me
entering my heart
shredding my emotions
making me cry.
Tears fall from blinded  eyes.
In the corner I stand
eyes furtive
settling on no one
calling no attention to myself.
I wonder how I can be so lonely
in a room full of people.
I move
a shadow
brief stirring of air
as I pass
leaving the room .
None notice.
I have made no impression.
I am not the one you are looking for
when your eyes rove around the room.
I am not the one.
Never was I the one.
You played with me
toyed with me
adoration shining from my eyes
unable to see
but a brief stop was I
you never meant to stay.
Tears fall
crumpled in a heap
loneliness assaulting 
black bottomless pain
ripping me apart.
January 13/19

Untitled Poem Daily Word #12

I awoke this morning
from a beautiful dream
of me and you 
laying together 
building a future 
for ourselves
that can now no longer be true.
Tears
stream
seep
soak the pillow beneath me
as I lay 
my hand outstretched to that cold place beside
where once you did lay.
Every time I believe…..
I believe I have shuttered my heart
against the pain
the anguish
the sudden slam of memories
I discover 
I am wrong.
My heart
thawing beneath your love.
You shattered
destroyed
obliterated
the marble cage I had built
melted the barriers of ice between bars
reaching in
making me believe
in true love again.
I keep writing the same love song
humming it along
hoping to stem the flow of tears
weariness
pain
that I feel.
When does it end?
I do not even know.
I ask of you
when does it end?
I awoke before you could answer
tears shimmering 
unchecked
unfallen
in the corner of your eyes
as you reached for me
making my heart bleed again.
 
January 5/19

Settled Truth

The….. 
oh 
my fucking god…..
pain 
ripping my soul
my being
in two.
I sit
alone 
late at night
blackness
lit by blue glow
radiating from the t.v.
Anguish 
undone.
Pull me close
lungs collapse
it hurts to breath
tears steak down my cheeks
I am finally alone
finally able to
let my feelings run.
Pain
curling in on myself
memories
drowning images in alcohol
sodden
lost time
let me blackout
let me block out 
the history…..
please….. 
please…..
let me forget.
No matter….. 
how many
men
women
I take to my bed
the reminders of you
the taste
the touch
hover out of reach.
Make me feel
lost
alone
aside
undesired
I am sorry 
I became so cold.
Did I though?
Shut you out?
Always made to feel
I am the issue
everyone else
darlings of trade
watching me weep.
Wrapped in white
feather soft snow
a cloak 
hiding me 
hiding you
lost in time 
I will never find.
Climbing mountains
picking away
chisling so I can be okay
you know naught
insurmountable
these walls we build
keeping each other out
keeping all at arm’s length
easier to pretend
to ignore
the settled truth.
 
January 4/19