Just Me

I sat down with her
that voice in my head
a conversation we had to have
for it seemed
she was awakening
calling my name
freaking me out
truth be told
because she whispers in my ear:
‘You and you alone can guide your destiny’
I am the one in control.
I am the one who guides internal dialogue.
I am the one who can listen.
I am the one who can shut it down.
There is a twinge of fear though…..
The voices are back
filling my head
conversation over conversation
there is no freedom
zone in (too close shearing sceams)
zone out (blank and mindless smile)
all do I do not have to admit
the voices are mine.
I fear to delve too deep.
I fear what is coming to light.
Hold me close
dispel the shadow
still my tears
warm embrace
I fear I am going crazy.
As trite as it may seem
I gauge my sanity daily:
Am I normal today?
Am I not?
Is it a sad day?
Truth is addiction is my undoing.
That is why the voices have been so still
for liquid gold
soothes burning soul
quenching desire to hide
allowing hurts to subside
beneath a hazy ideal
I can be just who I am
no more
no less
just me.
©August 22/19
Picture is one of my own
Matlock Beach Manitoba 2017
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Haunted Heart

Yearning
fingers reaching
bells chiming
message arrives
breath catches
is it true
does he want you?
Hide shy smiles
eyes bright with laughter
warmth arising
arms pulling you close
if this is a dream
please do not let it end.
Awakening
alone once more
figment of your imagination
a tale woven
to keep the darkness at bay.
Plod through each day
grey
unappealing
alone
heartache ever constant
is there no cure?
Drizzling rain
stand
getting soaked through
tears cannot be seen
mixed with the pouring from the sky.
Love songs on repeat
endless declarations
places to be
places to go
places to meet your lover at will.
Silence lingers long on the tongue
whispers heard 
made to come undone
wrapped within scarlet ribbons
loveless
lifeless
alone……
©August 16/19
Picture found on Pinterest

Word of the Day Challenge #49-Untitled Poem

***Please note this is not indicative of how I feel at this time.****

Lone single tear
sidles down the side of my nose
slips the curve of my chin
drips to the table before me.
Never looking up
never seeing the pity
a yawning blackness
falling into it headfirst
never ending nullifying bliss.
Chiseled granite
cracked smile on lips
oozing through
sadness
pain
anguish
held tight
a patchwork quilt
security blanket
a way to keep everyone out.
Wretched I am.
Agony dances across nerve endings
breath caught
panic abridges
cannot catch air
this is where I will fail.
There is no sanity
there is no wealth
a thing of the past.
©August 14/19
Picture is one of my own
taken at Matlock Beach Manitoba 2017

Word of the Day Challenge #48-Untitled Poem

When I was a little girl
I was taught how I was to be…..
how to smile
how to cook
how to curtsy…..
to a man
bat my eyes
squeal with delight
fawning
make him come hither and yon.
I was told to hold my tongue
to keep a civil voice in my head
no one cared to know my thoughts
no one cared if I even had ideas
I was to be another pretty face.
Groomed I was
that is what they call it now
a gentle sounding word
for so repulsive an act.
I am no longer blinded
falling apart
scared of what is inside
I am of she
she is of me
we are together
stronger than apart.
Two halves coming home.
Scalding tears
wash away the sins of this child
scour clean
the besmirching of innocence
give my life back to me.
Black leather
silk lace
danger stalks the shadows
feel the curve of my knife.
I stand up
glassy smile
foot upon your spine
time and time again
revenge shall play.
Upon your flesh
your soul
until you scream
beseeching
for me to stop.
Hysterical fears
magma rage
I am tired of burning down the house
it is time to admit
it is time to cut free…..
I ain’t no lady
a venging killer I be.
©Aug. 13/19
Picture via Pinterest

Pay The Piper

Hidden souls
vile dreams
never seen
parts of me
no one wants to know.
An evil resides
dark blackness
rooted deep within
try as I might to cast it off
nightly still it spins.
Nightmare beings
memories of past 
memories of pain
memories of….. 
screaming in vain.
Watching with secret eyes
torment
small child locked within…..
How dare anyone try to harm me?
Slitted eyes
crawl the room
piercing each facade
seeing the truth
denied by many
child killers all.
A glimpse of me
peripheral vision dancing in the glare
turn to face
head on
the demon girl.
I am not there.
Peer into the gloom
fear begins to etch itself on your face
in your heart
in your mind
time has come to pay the piper
and I will decide how.
Howl in frustration
lash of the knife
pin pricks appear
ghost like.
Spin around
around
around
until you fall
now comes the time to desecrate you all.
Death shall be slow
cruel in its time
crushing you with broken dreams
never shall you rise.
©August 10/19
Picture via Pinterest

Monstrosity

Family secrets
blood kept
never acknowledged
point the finger
prime the poison
blame the victim
embrace…….
Voices raised
torment laced words
screamed in defiance
while blind eyes are turned
ignoring
the scene before them.
Hands raised
cringing from the blows
sneak back into the corner
once there
I shall no longer fear
disappearing into the dark.
Empty seat at the table
nary a place set
it has become apparent…..
I am invisible. 
No one wants to hear
no one wants to acknowledge
damage done
not so easy to shovel away
hiding behind falsity
chiselled smiles on their lips.
I am the elephant in the room.
Forgiveness is in short supply.
Thoughts run amok.
Watching through the garden gate…..
My life.
My memories.
My pain.
Dismissed
forgotten……
never acknowledged.
©August 6/19
Picture via Pinterest

Obliteration

***Once again please note that this is not how I am feeling at this time.***
As a child
I never understood
the bloodshed 
the tearing of my heart
the breaking of my innocence
stolen 
gut wrenching pain
I carried within.
I have spent so much time
so many years
bowing to others
forgetting who I am
what I want
subjugating myself.
I wrapped the chains
cinched tight
threw away the key…..
There is no going forward.
There is no going back.
There is only the black void.
Within my core
a subtle whisper
groaning
undermining the peace
the harmony I have found
reaching skeletal hand out
entangled in my soul
my hair
wrapped in a hug so tight.
I cannot release myself from this danger.
I cannot……
still the words I hear
the chants
nightmarescapes
forced to confront night after night
the arrogance
the chilling reality…..
No one cared.
No one cares.
I chip away
(not I but I)
eroding the solid foundation
stood upon
it flows from beneath
until…..
there is nothing.
©August 5/19
Picture found via Pinterest