Little Asshole

T came back from his dad’s yesterday evening. 8:23 p.m. Good thing I had gone up to unlock the door already otherwise T would have bounced off it and the banging would begin. He sounds like a herd of elephants passing by when he bangs on that door.
It started off innocently enough. We were chatting. I asked if he had had a good time with his dad and what had they done. What did he have for dinner. Those types of things. He was sitting next to me when I received a pop up notification that I had received a message on Skype. And T caught the name on the notification. And the interrogation begins.
T was 7 when the implosion of my marriage happend. I was not nice. I was not brave enough nor strong enough to tell the Ex that I wanted out of the marriage and to hold firm on it. Instead in my warped way of thinking, I decided I had to do something that would make him hate me. Hating me would mean that he would let go. It was not the smartest nor the right way to do things. I have apologized to him. However T is beginning to ask questions. I am not sure what the Ex has all told him so I am hedging things as he does not need to know the adult issues.
Yesterday T got a little belligerent as he was talking to me. I was trying to explain that no the way that I had ended our marriage had not been the right way. That I no longer loved his dad. That we were both by far happier apart than together. T shut me down after a bit which I was fine with. He was not being his usual self. He was irritable and mouthy. When he went to bed he demanded that I waken him at 5:45 so he could shower. I explained that that was not going to happen as 5-6 a.m. is my time to exercise and get myself ready for the day.
I woke at 4:50 this morning. Than laid there for the full 10 minutes until my alarm went off. I did not want to get up this morning. I am still suffering from the hour jump ahead that occured on the weekend. Pushed myself out of bed and made it! That is right I made my bed as soon as I got out of it. I am sure that mom is having a chuckle right now as she has been trying to get me to make my bed since I was 6. Bathroom. Brush teeth. Read my dream affirmation on the mirror. Stand there with the toothbrush in my hand pointing it at my reflection, specks of toothpaste in the corner of my mouth and hitting the mirror as I say my own affirmations.
Worked out. Worked up a sweat which really pleases me. It means that I am doing the right things. Also I can tell I am getting stronger. Sent the girls their good morning gifs. I was rocking my morning. And it was not even 6 a.m. yet.
After my shower I went in and woke T up. 6 a.m. on the nose as we had discussed the night before when he went to bed. Well I am not sure what happened but the beast that appeared last week, the one that I said was becoming rare, had returned once more. Standing in front of his closet, kicking the box, slamming the hangers around. He cannot find his pants. It was my fault as I had hung them up. I personally was flabbergasted because I knew that we had hung 4 pairs of sweats up last week. He had been for a sleepover all weekend and picked up on Sunday so  he had the same bloody clothes on.
I got frustrated. I did not yell but my voice did become a little louder. I walked into the room and looked behind the jacket and low and behold what do I find? But the 2 hangers holding a total of four pairs of sweats. Now I am frustrated. T has been telling me off because I did not wake him up when he wanted to get up. He had no clothing. I stomped into the bathroom and turned the shower off. Told him that he could turn his own shower on and I was not talking to him any longer. I closed my bedroom door and took several deep breaths.
After showering he was still in a foul mood. Water was discovered all over the bathroom floor which I wanted cleaned up. T got more mouthy and I snapped. No Youtube. What was wrong with him? I was not going to put up with this attitude. All I wanted was for him to realize that the shower curtain needs to be tucked into the bathtub so water does not get on the floor. Take responsibility and please clean the water up.
When I came out from cleaning the water up I was still stewing. T was sitting on the couch and he was crying. I stood looking at him trying to fathom what was going on. I even kept asking over and over what the problem was. T told me at one point that I was yelling. I explained that I was not yelling that I was speaking sternly to him. That there were repercussions for his acting this way. He looked at me and told me that I was ruining his happiness.
This was not my boy. This was not the child who left here on Sunday. I sat on the floor and wiped the tears from his eyes. I told him that I was not responsible for his happiness. That yes there were things that I could do to help him, but he had to find his own happiness. I could not do that for him. It took me how many years to realize true happiness. I am talking about the happiness that imbibes your days with good thoughts and feelings. Where you can see the good rather than the bad. I told T that he needed to learn this now because I did not want him to be 45 years old before he found his true happiness.
As I was explaining this to him I was crying as well. My heart hurts because I know that T is hurting. I know that this acting out has something to do with the passed two days of his not being with me. I forgot you see, how T is when exposed to his dad for an extended time period. I do not want to be one of those ex’s who tears the father of their child down but I am so frustrated. I would love though to be a fly on the wall when T was there so I could see and hear what was going on. Because I have to tell you, having the beast return is not a fun thing.
Despite all signs to the contrary, with tears in my eyes, I told T that I was happy. That we had a life together. A routine. I want him to be happy.
Now he is sitting on the couch watching t.v.  I know. I said no Youtube and yet here we are. I also know that when T acts like this that it is not me. This is not an indication that I am doing anything wrong. I am not failing as a parent.
T and me have been talking. And he tells me about all the plans that he and his dad have for the summer. The Ex also text to let me know he was off Friday so he would take T. An extra day together. Today T informs me that his friend is coming over Friday. I became a little annoyed. I did what I should not have done. I said that I had thought that the reason his dad was taking Friday off was to spend extra time with T. I was assured that they would be.
I need to prepare myself now. As I was typing this I suddenly realized what was going on. T had expectations/ideas of what spending the time with his dad would mean. More time hanging out together. Reality is something very different. So when T comes back to me he is billigerant  and upset because things have not gone to plan. Hmmmmmm I wonder where that trait comes from. And than we have to have a melt down. It is almost as though T is pushing my buttons to see if he can set me off. Wonder if he thinks that if I get angry that it means I care more?
At 9 T is begining to understand that there are disappointments that occur in life. Things are not always going to be the same all the time. But there is a time when things do need to be the same all the time, to be consistent, and that is being there for your child. For standing next to them even when they do not want you to. It took me a long time to realize that as well. Lately I have been having flashbacks to when I was drinking and how I treated T. I am going to have to deal with that eventually.
What I do for now, is provide him with the consitency that he craves. I will follow through when I tell him that we are going to do something or go somewhere. I will be his mom. Not his friend, his mom. We have time enough to be friends when he is older. For now he needs a mom to love and guide him. To provide boundaries while still allowing him to grow and learn. And to call him out when he acts like a little asshole. 😉

Conquering Queen

Yesterday I received a text from the Ex indicating that his S.O. (significant other) was not working and that T could stay the night there. At first I was annoyed. I think I erased my text two before coming up with ‘Whatever T would like is fine with me.’ The reason that I put the choice in T’s hands is that this is his dad’s week with him. So he would see him before work last night and before school this morning. The first time in a long time. And I already knew what the answer would be. I did not hear back so text the Ex after awhile to check on T’s response.  And he said yes, he wanted to stay at his dad’s.
When I saw that single word response to my text my heart ached and I stifled a sob.
Even though the Ex and me share custody of T I have become use to having him here every night. We have a routine. And I get to see him every single day. So not seeing him last night was a kick in the pants. I had planned to see him. I was waiting to hear about his day. Now I had to reorganize my thoughts. Tears welled in my eyes, and there was pain. I decided that I would do the dishes thinking that if I had something to concentrate on it would not pain me so much.
As I stood at the sink, tears overcame me. My eyesight blurred and I gave into the sadness for a minute. And than I did what I do best now I talked to myself.
‘Jay you can feel sad but you need to get use to this. You need to get use to having one week where you are not going to have T. You won’t see him. This is normal. You have become greedy given that you are seeing him every day. Obviously he is going to want to stay at his dad’s, after all it is his week with him.’
I am not saying that I was feeling 100% better but I calmed down. And by the time that I was done the dishes and back on the couch, I had settled. I had come to peace with myself. Or so I thought.
Today as I am exercising I am looking at myself and critically. I am not liking what I see. There are small tweaks here and there that I could make. Where I was a year ago to where I am today is a huge difference. I am not drinking. I am not taking pills. I am working out. I am writing. But today I was not being nice to myself. I looked the wrong way at myself and decided that that was it, no more pizza. No more sweets. I text a friend and said over and over that I knew my thoughts were insane.
And as we text I realize I was being hypercritical of myself. Subconsciously something was at work and I think that I have figured it out.
I was sad yesterday and even though I did not consciously think it, I wondered what I had done wrong. Why did T not want to come spend the night here? Where had I failed that he would stay at his dad’s even when his dad is not home?  I had no control in that situation at all because I had given it all over to T and his decsion.
And my feelings were hurt. I really had thought that T was going to want to come and spend the night here with me. And because I could not admit that to myself the highly critical freak me rose to the occassion. I pushed down what I was feeling. I had cried but I did not say outloud  that I was hurt. Because that was wrong. I should not feel that way.
I am allowed to have feelings. In acknowledging this the critic in me, who was trying to skew my thinking and pull me back into an obsession with my body image, has been kicked to the curb.
This is a huge step for me. Admitting I am allowed to have feelings. Admitting that yes, I was hurt that T chose to stay at his dad’s last night but I understand why he made that choice. T is going to hurt me over and over again. That is what children do. The broader world at large does not exist for them. They are the center of their world and the immediate family is in their orbit. I will never tell T about how much it hurt. I did feel like he was picking his dad over me.
And he was because it is his dad’s week with him.  Just like he would chose to come home to me if this was my week.
Once more T has taught me a lesson. And in doing so he has helped me. I have a body image problem that I am acknowledging for the first time ever. I realized this because I stuffed the emotions down and than looked at myself for little things that I could criticize and than concentrate on fixing. That I could control. Perfect. Nothing is perfect, least of all me. And slowly but surely, all those parts of me, the ones that are not healthy, are becoming absorbed within me.
I saw very quickly what I was doing. This did not take me a week to figure out, a month, hell it did not even take me 24 hours to realize what I was doing and put an end to it. Each time I catch myself exhibiting behaviour that can trip me up I conquer it. That is not to say that it will not appear elsewhere but it is the catching it that is important here. Once caught I can change the way that I think and slowly but surely eliminate the behaviours that can harm me.


Haunted kisses
moonlit eyes of wonder
trembling caresses
a virgin ripe for the taking.
Offered to the gods
forsaken by her people
left to wander lifeless vistas
as though she is the criminal
the one found to be lacking.
Terror and delight
should not,
could not
co-exist together
in one person
at all times.
But that is what she does.
A contradiction
from every angle
to becoming
every man’s angel.
Jay-lyn Doerksen
Feb. 16/18

Madness Refused

***Picture downloaded from Facebook. Work is credited to @treeowl
Tis madness that has grappled my mind
wrestling to submission
the good
the wonder of life
to a black void of nothingness.
Wrapping me in black strands of goo
sticky holding tight
the evil
the abuse I survived
will not chain my mind for long.
Gasping in great breaths of air
crystal clear,
crisp in my lungs
expel the tar
that sinks in,
like an anchor
on my soul.
Rip free from the cocoon
that has stifled my voice
hidden it
refused it
for oh so long;
and on trembling wings
spattered with paint
from all spectrums of color
I will soar above
reclaiming myself once more.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
Feb. 9/18


opaque shadows
skitting across my consciousness,
a scene caught from the corner of my mind.
Wondering if what I see,
what I remember
is the truth?
The fear,
the constant refusal of my mind
to acknowledge what I cannot find,
memories of a time long past.
Black holes exist
and the memories I do carry
are stories repeated
until they have become a steady verse.
Over the edge of the abyss I peer
seeking comfort
seeking the bottom where one cannot exist
holding onto the hope
that things can become
steady and true
and no longer will I have to fear
the ghosts that haunt me.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
 January 29/18


Every once in awhile
that tiny voice appears
whispering assurances
in my ear
that one cup would be enough.
Just pour a little bit
sip it fast
so no one will see.
Feel the rush through my veins
as I embrace
sweet oblivion.
I thrust fingers through my eyes
gouging for that voice;
I want to rid myself of torment
abrade the thirst
that itches beneath the surface.
It is agony,
the curse visited by forefathers
upon the innocence of life
breaking our spirits,
with spirits.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
January 21/18

Win or Lose

With quiet disregard
I leave it all behind
floating away
so the pain
no longer can hold.
Tears unfallen
litter my lashes
a tiny sneer
adorns my lips,
blackness welling up
ready to eat.
Huddled in the corner
easing away from the scare
death would be far easier
than staying here.
Fighting for a life
for a dream
that I have had since a child
maybe I will win
maybe I will lose
but at least I will have tried.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
January 18/18