Dearly Behated

Dearly beloved
we have all gathered here today…..
Oh wait
you did not gather?
How then do you come to be here?
Smart.
Yes
you thought you were so smart
none would realize
seduction of the mother
grooming of the daughter
slaughter of their souls.
Snake in the grass
fatal venom
(not poisonous)
a slow black death
consuming one
draining one
devouring beauty
radiance
perverting
sweet innocence.
Ah yes
called you I did 
fool that you were
you came
running as it were.
Each friend
scored
seared
ate away a small part of me
self worth
belief of self
me……
Love came to me
bottled
rolled
snorted
how else to escape the howling demons
seated
place of prominence
forefront of all thoughts
pernicious bastards
devouring my heart.
Sit you down
clamp down on your tongue
screaming is not allowed 
watch watch watch
the knife is waiting
make a sound.
The first time you sold (soiled) me
beaten before and after
made to deal
with heartache
with screaming agony
with piercing horror
became the cobblestone
laid upon the grid of guilt
of a pathway leading us to here
the ultimate….
All roads end here
upon the crossroads of choice
where now you shall face
you shall bear
demons of hate
feasting upon your fear
your pain.
Dearly beloved
gather here we did 
not for beauty 
not for love
for resolution
of a burning of rage.
©June 18/19
Picture via Pinterest
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Savage Grace

With each sadistic dart
 a chiseling of my heart
tears turned to dark ash
staining my soul
dark desires begin to roam.
Feed the need..
Feed the hunger.
Feed the ache.
Torture becomes love
hate becomes adoration
voices whiplash
stinging rage
all shall be made to pay.
Thought I was a doll.
Thought I was a toy.
Thought I could be used
I could be abused.
Thought I would never retaliate
would never fight back.
How wrong you were
as I stand above thee
blade stinging
blood
slow streams of death
coloring your flesh crimson gold.
I am not a timid voice
lost to your primal urges
this is where I shine
when home comes to roost
the death of your carnal sins
©June 1519
Picture via Pinterest

Protector

Once more
a fool I have been
allowing my heart
my hopes
to arise
to fill me
moron that I am.
One would think
nay
one who is smart
would know
to ignore the stubborn heart
those emotions
the feelings
remembering pain
anguish
when the heart broke anew
again
(and again
and again.)
Sitting here
sight blurred
veil of tears
aching
realizing
I have played my foolish game.
Allowing you behind the curtain
allowing you to see me
the one
hidden behind the public facade
none know the secrets I hide.
You made me
(make me)
feel safe.
I opened
(open)
myself to you.
Foolish woman I be.
Time has come
to be undone
to lock
throw away the key
protect myself
from…..
me.
©June 13/19
Picture via Pinterest

Addict

Warm sensations
smoky
smooth scent
coats my tongue
no longer feeling
no longer seeing
hidden deep within the bottle
it helps to keep the demons away.
Whirling
swirling
memories
ugly
destroying
screams unbidden rent the night
curled within
absorbing blow after blow
rocked with a new reality
I wish I never had to feel.
Easier to run
to hide myself away
than to face what is seen
what is on the surface
for the world to see
to judge
without knowing my hidden history.
I sit
saddened by my lack of strength
for the bottle calls my name
day in
day out
promising to wipe it all out
to erase the pain.
It only takes one sip.
Tempt me do
tempt me not
tempt me in ways
I cannot escape.
Forever the Addict.
©June 12/19
Picture via Pinterest

Day…..After Day

High above
stars paint the sky
dead pricks of light
incapable of producing wish fulfillment
no matter how much one hopes.
Fingers crossed
toes too
luck must come to me…..
I never broke a mirror.
I never walked beneath a ladder.
I found a four leaf clover.
Magic…..
right?
I loath to give up
to admit to defeat
that reality is the truth
there is no wonder left to discover.
No dancing under the waves.
No dancing above the clouds.
Grey
bleak
empty life
day…..
after day…..
after day.
Skies once colored rose and gold
a world full of joy
of beauty
I danced then
I spun dreams
believing
wanting the fairy tale ending.
Grey dust
empty husk
broken
shattered
day…..
after day…..
after day…..
til death do me part.
©June 10/19
Picture via Pinterest

Ka-booooooom!

***Please note this is not indicative to how I am feeling now. I am cursed (blessed)  living with depression. I have a wealth of emotions and feelings remembered.***
 
What do you see?
What I want you to…..
smiles
laughter
concern
advice
happiness
pretty picture painted.
All a lie.
Alone
giving into the voices
calling my name
threatening me
breaking free from the cage
I bound them in.
No longer sedated
shrill
sharp tones
ring through my head
pain
screaming
I will never forget.
Help me.
Horror
etched upon my face.
Tears
silent tracks drip drip.
Fear
curling inward fetal position.
Tired
can no longer move.
I give up.
No longer can I keep up
public facade
private reality
are about to collide.
©June 7/19
Picture via Pinterest

Stormed Fate

Sea storms
water raging
broiling with cold
lightening crackles across the sky
thunder roars
clapping
breaking over the water
reverberating
felt through to my core.
Tumultuous
waves crash
crackle
tossing me around.
I am lost
within the black depths
no sunlight reaching
I am stagnating
help me please.
Straining
I swim for the surface
ignoring
words
wailing
pain
fear
I will survive
I swear I will get there.
I have gone backward
in a time when I was meant to go forward
vicious slurs
nasty gossip
everyone seems to know
more about me than I do.
I once broke free
stood tall
claimed my past
no longer allowing it to define me.
Yet…..
I find myself
battling the same demons
battling the same nightmares
screaming in silence
mouth rent open
no one will help me
no one will save me.
Sink slowly…..
oblivion.
I give up.
There is no saving. 
There is no savior.
There is nothing.
I am gone.
Good bye.
©May 28/19