I use to pride myself on not being a liar. That I always told the truth. But I realize that I don’t. I realize that a lot of the times I say what people want to hear rather that what I actually think. Why are we programmed to hide our thoughts and feelings?
I was going through an old notebook and found some items that I wrote. It appears to be a list of some sort defining my beliefs on certain emotions and behaviour.
Never Lie: To lie means I am scared of the reaction of others. Yet when I lie, it will snowball rapidly until I am found out.
To lie is to give false comfort.
If I start lying to others, it makes it easier to lie to myself. I need to be honest when I look in the mirror.
Confidence: The belief in oneself. To acknowledge that I am good. I do not need to go out of my way to showcase my talents and abilities. They can speak for themself. Whether at work or in my private life.
Toxic People: People who try to tear me down, make me disbelieve myself. People who make it all about themselves. These are people that I need to avoid. I do not need to allow them any access to my life or inner self. I protect myself.
Forgiveness: The ability to let go of past hurts. I carried mine around, extra baggage that needed to be looked at, examined and put away. I need to forgive myself for being so harsh. For the abuse I put my body through. I need to forgive myself for ignoring the voice that was screaming in my head for so long.
Trust: in this list I found I defined trust as allowing someone into my life and hold nothing back from them.
I feel that trust for me is now different. I am not sure how though.
Betrayl: in this list I defined betrayl as making a promise and than not following through on it. Thus breaking the trust between myself and the other person. There can be no friendship once a betrayl occurs.
Friendship: Friendship is a two way street, each giving and receiving. There needs to be trust, faith and no fear that I am going to be judged when I really need to reach out. When there are problems (real or perceived) an open discourse must take place to enable the lines of communication to remain open.
I am not sure what I was going through at the time. I do not even know when I wrote this list out. Yet it is even more relevant to me now. Within this journey I am on, I need to redesign the way I view things. I need to make myself responsible for my thoughts and emotions. I need to take ownership.