Pensive Musings

Not sure what it is that has set me off of late.
Whether it is the colder weather and lack of sunlight or a general malaise of sorts I wish I knew.
I keep track of my moods with Daylio.
An app that counts my sober days (106 days) for me as well.
I have gone from Rad to Good to Ok (still good).
Nothing has changed in my activities.
I just do not know.
Friday began alright.
After my vent fest off to work I went and it was going to be a good day.
Was expecting it to be busy as it was start of weekend.
Was not expecting how busy.
Toodled about my day (I was in the lobby) when one of my regulars comes in.
Asked how she was doing blah blah blah when she asked me if I had heard.
Heard?
480 new cases.
93 in our area.
As of Monday we are in Code Orange.
No real difference to me.
Wear a mask in all indoor public places.
Check.
Do not associate with people outside your family home.
Check.
Limit your shopping trips.
Check.
Things that are not affected or changing
Send child to school.
Check (see Powerful Enemy)
Go to work.
Check.
Smile.
Check.
Provide optimism and cheery outlook.
Check.
I was off yesterday but V was working.
Got a few messages from her.
Front end was getting slammed.
Huge orders.
$500-700 range.
I tentatively offered my services and she relayed the message to my supervisor.
I had immediate buyers remorse.
They never did call me in.
I had a three hour nap.
Oh yes I should of course mention that T is at his bud’s for a sleep over.
Was suppose to be Friday-Saturday but as always with those two it became a whole weekend sleep over.
He is due home today around 12.
Three hour nap.
Obviously I needed it however I did a break down of mood when I woke up.
Was I sleeping to escape or sleeping because I was tired?
I am coming up on my three year anniversary.
Three years ago I broke free from my pill addiction.
Three years ago I faced my demons and I won.
Three years that I have been happy.
Is a subconscious part of me worrying/waiting for this to collapse?
Waiting to see if my depression is lurking closer to the light than I am aware of?
To say I am hypersensitive about this issue is an understatement.
I am a healthy woman.
I am happy.
My son is amazing.
In spite of me?
Because of me?
LOL it is a bit of both.
So why am I feeling this…..melancholy?
That would be the word for it.
A feeling of sadness with no discernible cause.
As with all things I am sure this will pass.
That my mood will elevate back to its regular state of Rad and life will be a bowl of mangoes ripe and ready.
Until then I will go with the flow and accept whatever emotions come over me.
So if you happen to see me crying into my coffee do not worry…..
In 20 minutes I will be smiling.
Β©Nov. 1/20
Picture is my own

Author: Jay-lyn Doerksen

A single hard working mom of a soon to be teenage son. A poet and story teller I have wanted to write since I was a child. This space is where I share stories about myself and my life and the creative poetry that stirs my soul. My hope is you will pull up a chair and a cup of coffee delving into the world that I offer and you find simple enjoyment for a few moments. Welcome to The Wonderful & Wacky World of One Single Mom

17 thoughts on “Pensive Musings”

    1. Thank you so much. I appreciate everyone reaching out. It is one of those conundrums I struggle with. Usually feeling like this precipitated a big change. Huh both of which lead me to not drinking. But I chose not to drink before….sorry I meander in rl too. Anyhow 1) when I got pregnant with son. A few weeks before I was restless. Itchy. Drinking more. 2) was 2017 when I went kaboom. So neither of those is going to be happening again so something else. I am sorry Jenna I so ramble on and on. πŸ˜˜πŸ’œπŸ€“

      Like

      1. I ramble when there are things in my head and heart that I haven’t got straight yet. Somewhere along the rambling things get worked out.
        I found the darker days has been a challenge for me already. I need to try to find ways of offset that during the cold months…or I will be miserable company for Ben.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. My thought is that it may be due to the change in the weather. This can really affect your mood. Then again, you could be burned out from work. Ever consider a change? Looking for a new job while you still have one is the best way! You are a writer, maybe you could work from home! Just a thought, and learning something new is so exciting and inspiring 😊

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.