Untitled Poem #3

***Please note this is not indicative of how I am feeling/going through.***
Jibber
Jabber
voices in my head
calling
screaming
flames flare
scorching
am I finally dead?
Wafting
fleeing
hiding
pain
so much pain
head pounding
bloody
I opened a vein.
Crimson spray
paint the walls
maroon
warmth slowly fades.
Slowly
ever so slowly
I slide down the wall
life ebbing away.
Tears
slow warmth
glides over softened cheeks
staring
eyes glazed
darkness encroaching
midnight hour comes…..
goes….
I am so lost.
December 11/18
Picture is one of my own taken Summer 2017
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Freedom Found

Cold shadows
undulate down the wall
slithering
skittering
making me cower.
I shrink down
pull my knees close
head tucked in
hiding
hoping I will be unsighted
glanced over
ghost that I am.
Frost
bitter
drowning when all come near
ravens fly
calling my name
subduing chilling screams.
Wrath
plummeting to my
demise
destruction
sudden wings explode
flapping
spiralling
soaring
feeling warmth….
sunlight.
Ice melts
water flows
freedom has been found
with belief of myself.
December 9/18

Cleanse

Vile
blackened heart
blackened soul
teeth digging in
rending dreams
no child should have to run from.
Disguised
cloaked decent
only the tiny eyes
lips trembling with fear
for deep inside
they know
it will be their fault
never yours
see the monster beneath.
Dancing through the shadows
I stalk
desiring to rid myself
this world
those poor imps
from your tainted touch.
Death escapes
last breath
trials of blood
at my feet.
Eyes fading
glow extinguished
now
I can wash this sin away.
November 29/18

Sleep Alone

I see you
from the corner of my eye
lingering
hovering
so close
yet still so far.
Burning eyes
staring
gritty with dust
count the stars
count the sheep
please
oh please
let me sleep.
Ragged
exhausted
ready to fall down
release me from this cruel grip
of sleepless nights
tired days
insomnia
what a bitch.
All I want to do is sleep.
Nightmare beings
seen behind closed lids
hallucinations
or reality?
Let me sleep
let me rest
haunt me not
with your blooded presence.
Ghostly steps
clawed hand hooked in hair
demon sold
blasted in fire
beseeching
falling to my knees
screaming
let me go…..
please.
Whimpering
mewling
tears
shredded bleeding eyes
gouged with bitter dreams.
Let me go
let me be free
loosen your steel grip.
Allow
a moment of respite
before
talons spear
brain to soul
torture inflicted
monsters begone
release me
let me sleep alone.
November 23/18
Photo by Larm Rmah on Unsplash

Untitled Poem #9

Heavy
head lolls down
tears
none left
eyes so dry.
Pain
roiling through
screaming void
black engulfing
soul shriveling
I want to make it stop.
My being
fire singed
trust broken
never to……
sweet succor
slip beneath the dark waves
in the monochrome
world I abide.
Blood red
sizzling from my veins
twining
around my frame.
Finally
silence in my ears
no more voices
no more pain
no more anything.
November 25/18
Photo by Tiko Giorgadze on Unsplash

Untitled Poem #8

There is a lump in my throat
panic filling my body.
I cannot breathe.
Were you to see me
you would never know
the thoughts rearing through my head.
There was no good morning.
No hello.
No good night.
Immediately that voice
sneering with derision
begins to babble in my ear
how I could have fucked up
between last night
this morning
this afternoon?
(when has it every worked?)
I close my eyes
to erase
to cease
to freeze
the voices inside my head.
Deep breathe.
Neither help
to collapse the pit
forming in my stomach.
Logically
I do know that I am a fool.
Emotionally
the voice hisses
reaping
gorging
breeding
on my fear
my worries
my tears
self-doubt making me crawl
within my own skin.
I remain quiet
not wanting you to know
suffering the dark voices
tears slowly seeping
from the corner of my eyes.
***I originally wrote this September 6/18.
I reworked it today to include the Word of the Day Challenge
Dubious.***
Photo by MMPR on Unsplash

Queens of the Crowd

I know what she is like
the little girl inside of me
when hurt
sad
in pain
she hides. 
I work so hard
to not be whiny.
I work so hard
to not be so needy.
I work so hard
to keep the smile of my face
but some days
it is harder than others.
This is the nature of my disease.
No excuses
not going to deny
depression
anxiety
they are the Queens of the crowd
I
merely the jester
on bended knee
forever in their sights.
Before I would not allow myself to feel
pills used to numb
to kill
what was going on inside of me.
I no longer do that.
I allow myself to feel.
Wearing my heart on my sleeve
giving my all
sometimes I am going to fall.
When I do
go kaboom that is
reach out
talk to me
hold me tight
let me know that I will be alright.
November 22/18