Untitled Word of the Day Poem #18

***I am in no way feeling this way. It is based on remembrance of last year’s depression time.***
Feelings of weariness
Sunk deep in the grey mimosa
My lips are moving
Though I cannot hear a sound. 
Crackles
Flames formed at my feet
Tenacious
Claws sink deep
Clown’s mask
Hides the bitter smile
Puffy eyes
Vacancy unable to hide
That is not me
The me hidden within
Sore
Bruised
Battered
Scorched cheeks
I fall to my knees
Head hung low
Wishing for death’s peace. 
 
Feb. 13/19
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Broken Hope

***Please note this is not how I am feeling at this time.***
I am broken.
Fragile heart
listless soul
lost 
broken
destroyed.
I am broken.
Tears
crystal shatters
falling at my feet
no longer does it pain me
for there is nothing
a black void
where once there was hope.
I am broken.
Cold I have become
realizing there is no love
not a shred to be found
within this being.
I am broken.
Survivor
a past so bleak
so brutal
that I hide from it
only forward will I go.
I am broken.
Gathering
tethering
some semblance
of reality.
I am broken
but know
I should never give up hope.
February 12/19

Happy Anniversary to Me

Good morning all.

Today is going to be a little different. Over in Facebook land I have been doing a countdown to today. Have caused not a little bit of confusion over there as I am right now. With all that goes on over a year long period changes within yourself (myself) can create a completely different person.

On December 23/17 I could have killed myself. Not intentionally but I had gotten to such a point in my life where I was trying so hard to block out the voices in my head. The ones telling me that no one cared. No one had time for me and my petty problems. So I downed handful after handful of pills that day. At one point, while at work, I took over 30 pills. To subdue the voices, to make me stop feeling. The higher I got, the less I worried.

I spent pretty much the entire year of 2017 in a depressive state. I was drinking heavily. Taking pills. How I did my job at work, as a mother, a friend, I do not know. And it is not like I did not try to stop taking the pills. But they were my out. My crutch when things got really hard to handle.

I should have realized as I became more reclusive, cut off people that I spoke to on a regular basis that something was wrong. Did part of me realize? Most likely but that voice in my head kept talking, kept telling me all the wonderfully wrong things about myself. My girls, they tried to reach out to me, they tried but I could not let them see me like that. They did though, cause I have some of the best girl friends on the planet bar none.

I ended up in the hospital that night. Was put on leave the very next day. I could not stop crying. I could not stop apologizing. Once more I had fucked everything up.

What happened to me last year was what I call my kaboom! I fell down. And let me tell you I fell hard. All those balls I was juggling came crashing down on my head. One after the other. When I woke up on the 24th, I had a massive bruise on my arm, my forehead hurt and there was a bruise and my tailbone. As you read this you are probably wondering what the hell I had done.

I literally fell down. I had pulled myself up off the floor (I had been hiding under the desk so I would not be on camera) and tried to sit on the chair.  Which rolled away from me and I hit the floor while cracking my head and arm on the desk. I had been trying to make myself throw up which did not work. I was in a horrific condition. How I still have a job I do not know.

At the hospital that night, I sat in the waiting room with two friends to see the doctor. I was not considered to be an urgent care so it was almost five hours before I was called to be taken to a room. I had a variety of tests done. Bloodwork. Urine. Heart. The concern was I could have damaged my kidneys. My heart was racing overtime. Never mind that I was groggy and really just wanted to sleep.

It was after midnight, Christmas Eve, by the time I got home. The friend who drove me to get my car followed me home and went through my cupboards. To ensure that I had no more pills. I threw out everything I had when I got up later. Not the pills I had been taking but Advil, PMS meds, if it was something that could be consumed and possibly get me high, I threw it away.

My Ex came through in a big way. He supported me. Not once did he call into question my ability to mother. Not once did he point a finger at me or make me feel that what had happened was wrong. He had been through this once before with me, but this time when I hit my rock bottom, I hit it hard.

Poor T. He was so lost and feeling like he had to make me feel better. I look at him now (I mean the poor kid has witnessed not one but two depressive episodes with me) and I fear that I have caused some damage. He does not like to be away from his dad or me for too long. He will only go on sleepovers to his best friend’s home, no where else. He gets anxious and has ridged rules which cannot be compromised. I need to tell him in advance if something is going to change in his normal routine. I did that to him and I do not know how to fix it.

I was abused by my father. I knew this. My mom knew this. My brother well he knows without knowing. I charged him. I went to court and testified against him. I chose not to follow through when enough evidence was found to go to trial. Than I spent the next 20 years or so until his death, fluctuating between wanting him in my life and wishing that he was dead. I shoved everything down.

In previous posts (from the start of the year) I have detailed my account of what happened. The voice that was on repeat in my head, was his. He told me as a child I ruined everything. I was made to feel small, belittled and abused. I kept all of this inside where it ate away at the fiber of my being.

I began counselling. I admitted that I had very little recall of my childhood. I remember select things, like my brother’s birth and my reaction. However I mean a little terrorist had just moved into the family (ha ha ha) who the hell would forget that? But my life except for certain things, before the age of about 12, is a foggy blur. Memory wise.

My counsellor explained that this was not unusual in abuse cases. That my brain was hiding from me what it felt I could not handle. I was not to go poking around trying to recall anything because well my brain would not let me. I was worried too, that I was making everything up, that none of this had happened. My fears were put to rest again by my counsellor when we discussed this. Never mind the fact that I could recall my statement to the police nigh on 30 years later.

The worst for me was a cycle of three days. Three days were I was slammed with memories that froze me. That made me scream. Quite honestly, I had one memory that actually made me scream in terror and pain when it hit me. I felt like a black hole had opened up and swallowed me. I doubled over with emotional pain, pulled my knees up and was in the fetal position screaming and crying.

The other two memories were bad but not as bad as the first one. The first one is when I realized/remembered/learned that I had been younger than 12 when this abuse started. That is the one that ripped a hole in me. The other two left me shaking and in flight mode as adrenaline coursed through my body. And while they were just as horrid, by day 3 I was nearly comatose. I was going through the motions. I was a robot. I was raw. And in pain.

Now let us fast forward to today. I have been pill free for a year. I am stronger than I have ever been in my entire life. I believe in myself and that fucking voice well it is gone. I have made peace with myself. I am confident and I believe (lol Eminem song every time I say that statement ‘I believe’ I hear him in my head) that I am worth it. I am worth time, care, love and a happy life. I am worthy to live this life. The chains of my past which had shackled me, held me down, they are gone.

I am in a really great space. I have learned to trust and love. I have learned who I can count on. Who is there for me even when I am at my most ugly. I have learned how to accept my emotions, my pain, my fears, to let myself feel them and deal with them, not hide from them. I have learned how to care for the small girl inside of me, who was so hurt and harmed, we have become one again.

So, happy anniversary to me. I am so very very proud of myself.

 

Sweet Serenity

Floating through my mind
half forgotten melody
childhood memory
I close my eyes
I breath in deep
listening to that song.
When first did I hear it?
this lull-a-bye?
Soothing my fears
chasing away my anxiety
wrapping me in the warmth of love.
I sit
knees drawn 
tears tracking my cheeks
working so hard
to not be
silly
ugly
desperate
I really do miss you.
Late at night
I awaken
lacking the warmth of your body
next to mine.
I startle from nightmares.
I wake
hour after hour
missing your arms
missing your touch
pillow sodden with tears.
I long for you
yearn
desire your truth.
Hero
villain
not sure which role to play.
I love you
what more should I say?
Could I say?
I wanted….
fairy tale love
swept off my feet
sparks between our eyes.
Sweet serenity
lull-a-bye
soothing my soul
my heartache
bringing me to balance once more.
December 19/18

Untitled Poem #3

***Please note this is not indicative of how I am feeling/going through.***
Jibber
Jabber
voices in my head
calling
screaming
flames flare
scorching
am I finally dead?
Wafting
fleeing
hiding
pain
so much pain
head pounding
bloody
I opened a vein.
Crimson spray
paint the walls
maroon
warmth slowly fades.
Slowly
ever so slowly
I slide down the wall
life ebbing away.
Tears
slow warmth
glides over softened cheeks
staring
eyes glazed
darkness encroaching
midnight hour comes…..
goes….
I am so lost.
December 11/18
Picture is one of my own taken Summer 2017

Freedom Found

Cold shadows
undulate down the wall
slithering
skittering
making me cower.
I shrink down
pull my knees close
head tucked in
hiding
hoping I will be unsighted
glanced over
ghost that I am.
Frost
bitter
drowning when all come near
ravens fly
calling my name
subduing chilling screams.
Wrath
plummeting to my
demise
destruction
sudden wings explode
flapping
spiralling
soaring
feeling warmth….
sunlight.
Ice melts
water flows
freedom has been found
with belief of myself.
December 9/18

Cleanse

Vile
blackened heart
blackened soul
teeth digging in
rending dreams
no child should have to run from.
Disguised
cloaked decent
only the tiny eyes
lips trembling with fear
for deep inside
they know
it will be their fault
never yours
see the monster beneath.
Dancing through the shadows
I stalk
desiring to rid myself
this world
those poor imps
from your tainted touch.
Death escapes
last breath
trials of blood
at my feet.
Eyes fading
glow extinguished
now
I can wash this sin away.
November 29/18