Silent Times

I live in my head.
At times it can be
too much
too little
a constant stress for me.
I write words so beautiful
yet when I am called upon
there is no eloquence
no ability
to not stumble over my tongue.
I know it is intense.
Were you to have a glimpse
see within
roiling
tossing
the way sparks fly
not one thought
sticking to me
you may run in fear.
When I become too tired
unable to contain
I retreat into silence
shutting down
blocking everything out
for if I do not
insane I will be.
Oct. 22/18
Photo by Wei Ding on Unsplash
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Plain Jane

***This is the start of a story poem. I really enjoyed writing it.***

Pretty colors
dance along the walls
eyes following
tracing
seeing insanity written.
Vivid
brilliant
blinding
bewildering
the list goes on.
Emotions I feel
when the pills run out
and the little girl comes out to play.
Locked in a cell
thinking I have no escape
’til along came my other half
the badass bitch.
Compared to me
Plain Jane.
With the wave of her hand
the lock clicks free
I am able to follow
ready to run through the night.
I feel myself fading
as I become a part of Badass Jane
knowing
I was in for some fun.
Sept. 6/18

Shunned

Spirals of fear
spin through my mind
hypnotizing
enamoring me
so that I do not see the monster
creeping close.
I feel his hot putrid breath
caress my neck
hackles raising
my hand tightening
I had sworn this would not happen again.
Slimy
filth encrusted lips
brush my ear
shrill scream wrenched from my body.
Whirling
I bring the sword down
cleaving the monster in two
puff
gone
in a flash of smoke
it had never been there.
Nightmare
same
night after night
wishing I could find respite
knowing that it will never find me
eternally I shall be shunned.
Sept. 6/18

Emotional Abuse

I wonder
do you feel regret?
You tore away
eroded
destroyed
my self-esteem
my self-worth
made me feel so less
that I could not see the truth.
I say I am sorry
all the time
preventative measures
for when I do wrong.
Unconditional love
does it really exist?
I am so afraid
for the only love I have known
came with strings attached.
Compliment me
I cannot accept
will turn it aside with
‘a yes but…..’
Terrified
that I once more
will be abandoned
deserted
discarded
I erect walls
that grappling hooks cannot breach.
Emotional abuse….
you made me doubt
you made me fear
you made me worthless.
Today
I take it back.
My reality.
No fear.
For I am worth it.
September 24/18
Photo by Alex Wigan on Unsplash

Bitch

God she is a bitch.
Hurtful
mean
spiteful
digging nails into my mind
soul
heart
draining me
as she whispers
‘none shall be yours.’
If I could kill her
excise her
rip her
away from me
I would.
What hurts the most?
Not the things that she says
it is the voice she speaks in
tearing
wearing
eroding my confidence.
It is my voice.
MY VOICE.
Whispering vile words
making me doubt
until I want to scream
drive her out
wrest control
let me be me again.
Whipped
face in the corner
tears track down my cheeks.
Broken.
I am broken.
She won this round.
Destroying me.
My shame lasts not long
arise I shall
coming back with strength’s desire
kicking that bitch
making her scramble
taking back what is mine.
Oct. 1/18

Chaos

Chaos.
Beautiful colors
gold
mauve
crimson
dance around my arching body.
Weaving my fingers
colored trendles pulled near
I make a tether
a leash
to keep me close
to Chaos.
With Chaos
I find reason
I find understanding
I find truth.
With Chaos
I cry
I rage
I forgive.
Chaos
rainbow colors
twisting
tying
pulling me close.
A lover of color and light.
Sept. 29/18
Photo by Petra Brýdlová on Unsplash

Silver Tears

Everyone thought that they knew her.
Her story
her beginnings
her middle
but none dreamed of her end.
A beauty
like Helen of Troy
men at her feet
showering her in adoration
jewels
money
yet never love.
Slate grey sky
matching stormy eyes
if only they knew
if only they had paid attention
if only she had told them.
Wretched blackness
clings to her soul
reminding her of the past
the abuse
the agony
but on her lips
an enigmatic smile plays
dazzling her lovers.
Under moonlit sky
she wept
silver tears of pain.
Oct. 5/18
Photo by Blake Cheek on Unsplash