Flight of Furies

Walk the halls
head kept down
ignoring the reflected images.
Taunting
each one a different facet
a different aspect of me.
One screams
silent in her terror
eyes wide
hands held out to shield
ward off
dangers coming at all sides.
One watches
bleeding black eyes
lips disappearing into a rictus smile
resigned
forgotten
leans through the frame
reaching for me.
One rages
fire
flame
destruction flies from fingertips
never calmed
never quieted
even as tears gather in my eyes.
End of the line.
No where for me to run.
No where for me to hide.
Steps falter
as I look up
seeing images of me
dancing in the prisms of the mirror.
One
two
three
stop looking at me.
Three
four
five
spy the missile on the ground.
Six
seven
eight
stand up straight.
Nine
ten
let fly
shattering the images
glass spewing around
down on me
as each aspect
black
grey
red
stream towards me
even as I flee.
©Oct. 22/19
Picture via Pinterest

Truth’s Ballad

How battered
how bruised
how broken
must I be
that I view everything you say
under scrutiny.
Thoughts
always twisted
expectant of the worst
never expecting the good.
Cannot believe the hurt
stifled for so long
brewing
bursting through my skin.
Death worms
boring outward
escaping with their vile shards
stomped beneath my boot
as they fall.
No one loves you.
I am loved.
You are ugly.
I see my beauty.
It comes from within.
No one wants to hear your pain.
I am surrounded by those
who share my pain
hold my hand
hug me tight
let me cry.
You are shallow
selfish
insignificant in this world.
I am me.
I am imperfect.
I have shattered.
I have remade myself.
I am learning to listen
finally
to the most important person of all…..
myself.
Clothed in color
standing upon cliff’s edge
within my hands
ashes of…..
the horror of my past
the fear that tried to bind me
the voice
wailing in fear
in shame
in pain
no longer caged
no longer tongueless
soars
released to the skies
song upon the bird’s wings.

©Oct. 16/19
Picture is my own

Two become One…..

Winter
shrouds the ground
covering all in sleeping death
memories stored
forgiveness withheld
oh damn you poor woman.
Life attacks
in so many ways
how can you be sure
which lesson you should learn?
It is easy to differentiate.
At least it is for me.
I run
I hide
I try so hard
not to face the voice in my head.
I turn my eyes
I duck my head
I am weak
I am
I cannot
I will not
oh shit
hear it comes again…..
the voice
whispering
chiding
making me see.
Truth is not easy to face
to see.
It is painful.
Rip back the scab.
Rip back the veil.
It is time…..
amalgamate me.

©Oct. 13/19
Picture is my own

Lost and Found…..Again

It has happened again. I lost myself. Well I did not really loose myself so much as I was ignoring myself.

I suppose it is hard to describe, the ignorance I push. When it was with mom I ran away, stuck my head in the sand, wasted an entire summer because I was ashamed of my behaviour. I had guilt. And I had anger. And it all came to a head. The thing is though it all came down to forgiveness. I forgave mom because I know now that had she known nothing would have stopped her from protecting me. Where once I thought maybe there was a slight knowledge now I know that is not true. So when I say that I need to forgive mom I only mean I needed to let go of my expectations. You cannot expect someone else to act the way you would without having gone through your experience.

This is going to be all over the place. I will probably read once and then post. I need to forgive me. I need to say Jay it is okay.

Last year when things happened I crawled and not for myself. I crawled. I whimpered. I begged. I made believe. I should have packed all my things up and left the first day. But I did not. Am not sure why for when I awoke and recalled that he had cheated, I felt relief. Thank god I dodged that bullet. But I did not want to let go. I can say it is not the man that I was afraid of losing it was how he treated me. And now my realization is sickeningly, it was how my father was. Smarmy. Confident. Sucks you in. Hell now that I look back I should have shut him off after the first time we met.

However and I am not making excuses I was in a raw place. I had finally faced it all. Faced my pain. Faced my rage. Faced the reason why I was slowly killing myself with pills. I was moving into a place of security. A place where I could love myself. But I needed to know that I was lovable.

Problem is I am a fixer. Or was a fixer. In that I want to make it all right for everyone. So I attracted men who needed to be fixed. Hmmmmmm I wonder where that came from. With the knowledge that I have now, I understand. It is not an awesome truth to behold but there it is.

1. Pain and fear are really the controlling emotions.
2. Forgiving oneself is hard to do.
3. Being honest with oneself is the hardest thing you will ever do. You think you are honest? Stop and really look at yourself. Shut down the voice that is always with you. Shut down the preconceived notions and listen. That voice…..the tiny one that is pipping up in the corner, that is the voice that you do not want to face. That is the voice that lays it all out brutally. You have no where to run.
4. There are many outs. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. Food. These do nothing to help. It is an empty hole that cannot be fed.
5. Happiness is a choice. Oh I know how trite that sounds. I know beyond a doubt I have lost at least three quarters of my readers right here. I am a woman who lives with depression. I live in fear that one day I am going to be so far sunk into my depression that I can never return. I am forever analyzing my behaviour. My everything. Do you know that is like? (If you do let me know)
6. As above happiness is something that I can choose. Because happiness is an emotion depression is a disease. Oh my god as I typed that this weight lifted from my shoulders. I can be happy. It is my right to allow myself to be happy. I am not dependent on what others think. I am not dependent on how others see me. I am me. How I see me that is important.
7. It is hard to face myself. To listen. To really hear. I do not want to face how I am. How I have been molded. How I always go after the same type of men. How I would rather place a mask over my face then admit the truth.

I stand in front of the mirror. I look at the woman gazing back. I realize time has come to say: ‘Jay it is okay. So you made a mistake. So you stayed when you know you should have run. You should have packed up that first day but pride made you stay. Woman it is time to let go. Your hurt no longer stems from the act but the wounded pride.’

I am done. I have written what must occur. I have to let it go. I was an idiot. I made a mistake. We all do. Make mistakes I mean. I have unfollwed. I have stopped everything that I see on Facebook. I cannot completely cut him out for without him I would not be at the place I am. However I am now at peace. I have forgiven myself.

©Oct. 13/19
Picture is my own.

Word of the Day Challenge #67-Untitled Poem

I am afraid.
None would think
to look at me
that there could reside
in my being
a fear so deep
a fear so intense
it causes me to overthink
to over analyze
with no definitive answer.
When the words cease to whisper
when the lines will not write
dread begins to rise
is it happening again
am I falling down the rabbit hole
unable to see
how much damage I am doing
but I am not
doing damage that is.
I walk the fine line
betwixt
normality
freakiness
murky needs hidden
please
I do not want to fall
I do not want to crawl at your feet.
I fret
I frown
I gnaw on my thoughts
unable to hold them clear
nervous I am
that insanity is calling my name.
Plastered smile
cheers
drink in hand
falling down
let me drown
that is all I am asking.
©Oct. 11/19
Picture via Pinterest

Word of the Day Challenge #63-Untitled Poem

***Not indicative of how I am feeling now.***
Indecision
pain settled deep
left to decide on my own
whether or not
I want to go on.
Look at me
Look at her 
(voices whisper in my ear)
Can you see the stain
ripe on my soul?
Black
rotten
making me ache
with pain
with fear
with anger
that no one seems to care.
Locked deep within
taking care to stay
simmer below the line of consciousness
stray thoughts
bubbling to the surface
never mind my tears
as I provide solace to myself.
Claw marks upon my arms
face
neck
I work to destroy the daemon within.
Subtle
words run through my mind
‘destroy
demean
damage’
a never ending cycle of remorse.
My pain
my anguish
my blackened rage
knowledge I now have
these are my weapons
watch out
I am coming to take my life back.
©Sept. 23/19
Picture via Pinterest

Risen Anew

Under autumn’s foliage
crimson reds
charcoal oranges
browns crushed to gold.
Crisp air
frost covered grass
shattered glass
crinkles beneath my feet.
Breath comes out
vapour in the air
simple chill
the type that stings
when one first stirs.
Apple pink cheeks
scented lips on mine
taste the last golden rays of summer
peaks of time
send me up
send me down
now though I know the difference.
Grim tidings
autumn use to bring
sullen days
grey clouds
simmering overhead.
I felt broken down
battered
lifting my head
a chore that seemed insurmountable.
Time clicked by
snail’s pace
crushed beneath a burden of blackness
crawl I did
through day and night
knees blooded
hands scraped
I no longer cared.
Here I lay
so my epithet began
soul shattered
life lost
wait no
I do not want to go.
Surge of fire.
Rage.
No more shall I be this puppet
danced upon the strings of the past
time has come
let go.
Rising
strength from head to toe
phoenixed ash
glory a robe I wear
for I am woman
for I am finally myself
listen to my voice roar.
©Sept. 22/19
Picture via Pinterest