Illusion

Seen from afar
her golden strength
almost unbearable.
No wrong can she do.
No task she cannot complete.
Trying to right the wrongs of the world
striving to hide her weaknesses.
Never realizing 
what that anger 
that pain
ignored would do.
Crumpled in a ball on the floor
tears ceaselessly fall.
No one to comfort her.
No one to hold her tight
assuring her
it will be alright.
Instead
they turn away
perturbed by the sight.
Try as she might
the mask she wears 
crumbles all at once.
Pain so exquisite
it pierces her heart
her soul.
Trembling
alone
cracked image in the mirror.
This is a woman imploding.
One who can no longer play the game.
Lying on the floor
all cares
all worries gone.
Crimson river flowing.
The pain felt slowly
sweetly
fading away
until she is numb.
Death is not an option.
No succor for the damned.
He appears.
Promises all shall be well
then drags her down
to the depths of hell.
©July 17/19
Picture via Pinterest
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Word of the Day Challenge #42-Untitled Poem

***Please note that this poem is not indicative of how I am feeling today. I am in an extremely good place in life.***

Hush little baby
Don’t say a word
Mama’s gonna……
Mama’s gone.
No one left save me.
Voices howl in my head
concentrated 
telling me 
how useless
unloved
unwanted I am.
Hush little lady
Don’t say a word
Papa’s gonna…..
Dead as dust. 
Forgotten.
Blighted stain on family name.
Slew the dragon I did
with his death.
Hush little woman
Don’t say a word
Here’s a man
come to…..
There is no man
come to care for me.
Placating the demons
galloping
hooting 
screaming
tentacles entwined
heart ashatter
mind broken.
Hush hush…..
Forgotten innocence.
Sweet sister
Demon lover
don’t make a mess.
Keep your thoughts.
Keep your reality.
I will forge mine own.
subdued 
monsters sleep
a conscious moment for me.
©July 16/19
Picture via Pinterest

Word of the Day Challenge #41-Untitled Poem

I stood before you
heart in my hand
asking for intimacy.
I stood before you
tears on my cheeks
needing to be held.
I stood before you
head bowed
unable to look into your eyes
dreading to ask for more.
I stood before you 
and you threw me down.
I wanted to be held
to be caressed
to feel your breath on my neck.
I wanted your hands
to roam my body with tenderness.
I needed your strength
to hold the demons at bay.
I wanted you
all you did was take.
You said that you loved me.
You said that you understood.
You said that you would always be there.
My knight in shining armour does not exist
rowdy demons I must slay alone…..
as they pierce
as they scream
as they gouge deep within.
I needed to be held 
while my heart bled.
I needed you to hear 
my tortured fears.
I needed for you 
to be there for me
instead 
you walked away.
©July 15/19
Picture via Pinterest

Healing Self

Carving a path
eking out a space
a place
that I can call my own
where I can sing my songs
where I can dance with abandon
where I can finally be me.
Cowering within
so long
never a moment’s peace
little girl wailing
screaming
where no one can hear
except for me.
Hungry
wanting to consume the pain
agony
torturous
writhing on the floor
desperate to escape the chains binding.
Voices rise up
pointing their fingers
reading me their wants
their desires
which
should they be at cross purpose to my own
shall be placed first.
Desperate to escape
using any measure found
alcohol
drugs
knife held to my veins
needing to let the venom out.
You found me
struggling
alone
on that street corner
the one between Hell and Hope.
I found safety.
You nurtured me.
You fed me.
You healed the physical
yet are unable to breach the walls
of my mental psyche.
Walls built
tough to tear down
never do I let others in.
You…..
you have found a way in
you have found a way to peace
you have given me my wants
my needs.
You have taught me how to heal myself
never shall I forget this.
 
©June 22/19
Picture via Pinterest

Ka-booooooom!

***Please note this is not indicative to how I am feeling now. I am cursed (blessed)  living with depression. I have a wealth of emotions and feelings remembered.***
 
What do you see?
What I want you to…..
smiles
laughter
concern
advice
happiness
pretty picture painted.
All a lie.
Alone
giving into the voices
calling my name
threatening me
breaking free from the cage
I bound them in.
No longer sedated
shrill
sharp tones
ring through my head
pain
screaming
I will never forget.
Help me.
Horror
etched upon my face.
Tears
silent tracks drip drip.
Fear
curling inward fetal position.
Tired
can no longer move.
I give up.
No longer can I keep up
public facade
private reality
are about to collide.
©June 7/19
Picture via Pinterest

Patience

You know I am here.
Sitting.
Waiting.
Patient. 
A time will come 
when you shall falter
and I…..
well
I will jump in.
Dark desire
I dance under your  skin.
Twisted need
I am the fire in your eyes.
Wanton thirst
I am the blemish on your soul.
Your self-hatred.
Your doubt.
Your history.
I am the one…..
Me…..
I hold the key to you
only though
if you let me out to play.
Black rage
bottled up
close to boiling point
growl in dismay
you know
oh yes you do
you know I will get out.
Ah 
here we go again.
You drink.
You get drunk
You allow me a peek
small glimmer
taste dew tinged air
before you reclaim
take back
your inner space.
I am…..
Nightmares made real.
Riding.
Surfing.
Bumping into your barrier.
I could thump away
kick
scream
try to escape
only to heighten
tighten
your grip on me.
There is no substitute for patience.
With patience comes complacency.
With complacency comes a weakening.
With weakening I shall…..
Terrorize.
Torment.
Torture.
With weakening
I shall break free
never fear 
I am always waiting here.
©June 2/19

Stormed Fate

Sea storms
water raging
broiling with cold
lightening crackles across the sky
thunder roars
clapping
breaking over the water
reverberating
felt through to my core.
Tumultuous
waves crash
crackle
tossing me around.
I am lost
within the black depths
no sunlight reaching
I am stagnating
help me please.
Straining
I swim for the surface
ignoring
words
wailing
pain
fear
I will survive
I swear I will get there.
I have gone backward
in a time when I was meant to go forward
vicious slurs
nasty gossip
everyone seems to know
more about me than I do.
I once broke free
stood tall
claimed my past
no longer allowing it to define me.
Yet…..
I find myself
battling the same demons
battling the same nightmares
screaming in silence
mouth rent open
no one will help me
no one will save me.
Sink slowly…..
oblivion.
I give up.
There is no saving. 
There is no savior.
There is nothing.
I am gone.
Good bye.
©May 28/19