Home Alone Again

Well my social anxiety got the best of me Christmas Day. Went to the ex’s for 2 was home by 3:30 or so. T stayed at his dad’s and will be home today some time.

When we made the original plans it was suppose to be family for the first little bit. Which I could totally handle. Ex-in-laws no problem. T and I talked sbout it and I wanted to be gone by 6 when I assumed most people would begin to arrive.

The Ex did not come into the house while we unwrapped gifts. No thank you for his gift. And he did not bother to get T or me a thing. We got cash. Next year I will hand him unwrapped no card cash. Always nice to realize you still are an after thought.

At 3 the first of his guests arrived. T wandered off. L was still getting ready and I stood in the kitchen awkwardly. Went out to the shop and introduced myself to the couple out there.

Hovered in the back of the shop feeling really uncomfortable. My heart began to pound in my chest and a lump formed in my throat. This was not my thing. Tears began to form and I struggled to control myself.

Ex came over and asked if I was ok. Told him my social anxiety was getting the best of me, and he phtt me. I hesitated a few more moments before making my decision.

I asked T to come outside with me. Trying to control my intense desire to cry I ask him if he would like to stay the night. Of course he did. But was concerned I was lying to him. I was not I needed to be out of there.

I apologized to L and said had it just been family I would be okay. But people I don’t know. No support for myself to help control the anxiety. She hugged me tight and told me she loved me. That she absolutely understood given her daughter was ‘hiding’ in the house.

When I got home mom asked a few questions but I said not a lot. My joint finally kicked in, the one I smoked in car when I got home. Music blaring. And I relaxed a bit. Around 5 or so I decided to go for a soak. Added in my bubbles and relaxed.

Like usual the heat and the unwinding had me closing my eyes and just floating.

When I came out of my wee sleep I felt better. I have a pillow in the tub that supports neck and head. I will not slide down and drown I promise.

Bath pillow

I bought myself my own gifts this year. Mom got me a couple. And Tember created the beautiful rose that is my picture. In welding class. All in all it was a wonderful day save for the minor blip.

My Oracle and Tarot cards
My box of crystals.
Me and T before the roaring fire. Courtesy of YouTube. 😁😁😁😁

Dec. 27/22

Pained Expression

snow diamonds
under milky moon
air so cold
breath hangs
crystal for a moment
before fading away.
shadows creep
wailing winds
skeletal branches reach skyward
mournful melody
wolf’s howl
eerie counterpoint.
one foot
other to follow
stray path
forked roads
I go
not for riches
not for love
nor desire
I look for self
one lost
unto childhood
on goes the wretched list.
I am not proud
part of me though they are.
Today I try to compose
fragmented soul
one whole
I will become
never again to kneel.
©July 13/20
Picture via Pinterest
%d bloggers like this: