Day: February 2, 2020

Blessings……

So many facets
so many needs
all wrapped up in one package
that defies understanding.
But do I need you to understand
if I am being me?
Babygirl 
sweet
sassy
crawls for Daddy
when made to beg
loves to be cuddled
loves to be held…..
Independent
fiery
take on the world
stand on my own two feet
needing help from no one…..
Mother
strong
loving
teaching right from wrong
watching with delight
as my child grows.
Child
sweet girl
hidden within
she only comes out
when safety is found
most of the time
she does not appear.
Woman
beautiful
emotional
longing for love
longing for companionship
walking this path alone
now and forever more.
How have I integrated 
all these parts of me?
Not easily.
Not without exposing
darkness of self.
Exploring each side.
Exploring each pain.
Each fear
each desire
examined
a lesson
and life goes on…..
I am a better being
for learning myself this way.
©Feb. 2/20
Picture is my own

To Be Counted…..

Twisted
dark gloom
shadows gather in corners
tears shed
become rambling roses
thorns jabbing
blood welling
it has all come again.
Circle upon circle
hell upon hell
looking with desperation
screaming with terror
there is no way out
no steps
no chinks in the wall
stand
looking up
wanting to be there
no here…..
in the depths of misery
in the depths of pain
in the depths of self-hatred.
Body used to tempt
drugs to defend
alcohol to bury the memories
driving myself forward
to forget a past
to forget the tortures I faced.
Falling
falling
falling
heart racing
tears falling
non-stop
cannot see
I only know I need this hurting to stop.
Looking back today
upon the journey I have taken
the road that I am still moving forward on
the emotions I feel
allow myself to feel
accepting help from others
accepting that I am important
accepting that I am worthy of love.
The steps taken
long since 
I have stopped counting.
I continue to move along this life of mine
only now
I can enjoy this trip I am on.
©Feb. 2/20
Picture is my own